Sara's Confessions - PCLOOH

Sara’s Confessions—PCLOOH
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)

Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!

Dad: What honey?

Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?

Misty: Yes honey bun!

(5 minutes later)

Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!

Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)

(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)

Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!

Fam: Ha!

Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.

(Sara begins to cry softly)

Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”

Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.

Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.

(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)

Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!

Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.

Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!

Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?

Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!

Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.

Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?

Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?

Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!

Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!

(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!

Mad Dad