The Pork Sausage - Alf's Nearly Fatal Mistake

The Pork Sausage-
Alf’s Nearly Fatal Mistake


Alf: Hi everyone, I’m home with the shopping!

Sara: Oh hi honey! So good to have you back! The kids have been waiting for you because they’re so excited to help you put all the groceries away.

Kids: Oh goodie, U. Alf is home!

Alf: Well then lets get unpacking! I got everything that was on the shopping list! Would you kids like to see my handy dandy little shopper’s list, so you know what we got?

Kids: Yes

Alf’s Shopping List:

1. 2 stems of celery
2. Big barrel of honey (for Maria’s tea concoctions)
3. 4 cans of beans
4. 1 kilo of lemons (for lemonade)
5. Eggs (for Dad’s coffee eggnog)
6. Chicken Soup (for Misty who’s sick)
7. Heads of Asparagus
8. Aspirins (for everyone in the home)
9. Al Capone Cigars (for Dad to use as air freshener after potty breaks)
10. 1 Large Pork Sausage

Dito: U. Alf, what’s a pork sausage?

Alf: It’s a large piece of delicious meat. It’s actually made from pigs, kind of like hot dogs actually. I got it for Gem to use in the one-pot meal tonight.

Dito: Okay!

Later on that Evening at the Dinner Table…

Dad: Hallelujah folks! My, me oh my! It’s time to eat once again! Dito, would you be a gentleman and pull out a chair for our Queen? As I always say, little legs are made for light work-ha!

Maria: Smells like Gem’s cooking up yet another one-pot meal.

Dad: Oh boy I can’t wait! It reminds me of when my mother used to cook up these excellent stews when I was only a boy. Ah! There that’s just the way I like to see it. Me at the head of the table, with the Queen on my right hand, and the Prince on my left, and the little Princess next to the Prince. And then the rest of you servants of the Most High gathered around us. Hallelujah for Heaven!!

Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?

Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.

Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!

Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, let them hear! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious! I don’t ever want to see or hear of you putting others at risk because of your own carelessness.

Gem: (Sniffles) Yes Dad I’m very sorry!

(Gem sets pot down on hot pad)

Dad: (Opens lid of the pot) What are we having tonight Gem?

Gem: (Proudly) It’s a one-pot meal Dad, I made it myself!

Dad: Oh boy it smells delicious! What’s in it?

Gem: Beans, celery, some old flour, cornstarch, refried beef, fermented yeast and grains, heads of asparagus, stale potatoes, and a pork sausage.

Dad: WHAT??

Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!

Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??

Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!

Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.

Gem: Alf bought the pork sausage this afternoon for the stew. It wasn’t on the recipe, but he said he had it as a kid and that it really adds flavour and tastes good.

Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?

Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)

Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.

Alf: I’m so sorry Dad! I had pork sausages a lot as a kid and it never made me sick! I thought it would be a nice edition to the meal!

Dad: Who ever asked you son? Mama gives Sara the recipes for the cooks. She always makes sure they’re packed with healthy, wholesome ingredients. What makes you think you have a right to change what our Queen has ordained in this house? Oh boy my face is so red in righteous anger!

Maria: It’s very saddening and sobering to think that Alf would make such a dangerous mistake!

Fam: Amen!

Dad: Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?

Alf: No sir!

Maria: What are we going to eat for dinner now?

Dad: Oh boy I hadn’t even thought of that. I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!

Maria: Wow Dad! When I came down for dinner I certainly wasn’t expecting you to have such a powerful and sobering talk!

Dad: Me neither! But the Lord comes through me every single time! Ha. Gem, could you bring out some of the Green Tea with honey flavouring please?

Gem: Yes sir!

Maria: Remember to say ‘hot pot’, or ‘coming through’!

Gem: Yes Ma’am.

Fam: Hallelujah, what an inspiring dinner talk Dad!

Dad: What’d you folks learn from tonight?

Fam: (Munching on food) Never eat pork sausages!

Dad: (Chews) Yes amen!

Sara: And always yell ‘hot pot’ when holding something that is dangerously hot.

Dad: Oh my! Oh my gosh! It almost slipped my mind. I almost forgot to mention that when drinking tea, the only way you can know if it’s cold enough is by holding your pinkie finger in it for about 1 minute. If you can do that without getting burned, it’s safe to drink.

Fam: Amen, good pointer!

Dad: Hallelujah! This dinner turned out to be a wonderful learning experience for all. Is your home serving pork sausages for dinner? Have you been walking around with hot objects? Let me tell you folks end it now. Or else your good ol’ Papa Lion will be there to roar the living daylights out of you. Hallelujah!