Glorify MO in the Dance: Get your Scarf on B*tch!
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory! Are you girls ready? Do you have your scarves? I’m going to teach you all how to dance, hallelujah for heaven!
Maria: Yes! We all brought an assortment of coloured scarves just for the occasion!
Dad: Well me oh my! I think, well I just thought wait, it’s just after dinner. Is it possible we could all die from indigestion? But the Lord said to go ahead, ha! I think he wants to see you girls naked, and dancing to glorify me.
Sara: Amen we can’t wait Dad.
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
Sara: There coming Dad, Dora is fixing their tropical outfits upstairs so they’ll be ready for you. Dancing for us big teens, and the little teens too! Ha.
Dad: Oh my Sara! To think you would be so slack and so inconsiderate as to not have when ready by the minute I had specifically ordered. Golly! Now I’ll have to wait for them to get ready and come downstairs, and I’m thinking well I told Sara the time they needed to be ready for me, and the least she could’ve done is had them ready on time.
Maria: Oh my! Bad Sara.
Sara: Lord forgive me and my slackness!
Dad: Well as punishment Sara you will dance for me privately after! Ha. Alf you don’t mind right? Alf doesn’t mind, hell, Maria doesn’t mind either right? Alf I’m stealing your wife tonight, ha!
Sara: Ooh I can’t wait Dad; I’ll gladly serve my punishment!
Alf: Actually Dad I do mi…
Dad: (cuts him off quickly) Aha! Look here’s Dora with the girls. Praise God! Let’s get started girls! Why, if by the end of tonight I haven’t taught you all to dance seductively I’ll resign from my post and throw away this crown. Hell if I can’t teach you how to dance for me I’m not fit to be king.
Fam: Oh my!
Dad: Dora you’re my guinea pig! You’ll help me show these amateurs how to dance.
Dora: I used to dance professionally in clubs!
Maria: Now, now Dora how dare you be so damn proud! Jesus gave you dancing skills, it has nothing to do with your time in the clubs.
Dora: What now?
Maria: Don’t take praise for what the Master hast given you!
Fam: Uhhh….
Dora: (totally confused) I’m so sorry my Queen, I shall from henceforth be humble!
Dad: O-kay then! Come hither Dora. Now everyone follow Dora. First you carefully remove all articles of clothing. That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body.
Fam: HA!
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. (Finishes putting the scarves on Dora and Fam girls finish putting on their “scarf-wear” as well) Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
Fam: Wow Dad you sure did! All our girls look like a breath of heaven!
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
Alf: Whatever you say sir!
(Alf sets up cameras)
Dad: Oh my, you all look so beautiful and right heavenly I hope I can contain my joy, the little man inside! Ha!
Fam: (winks at Dad’s …)
Dad: Now simply twirl around girls, move your hips from side to side. Gyrate, pulsate with God’s energy. Sexual Jesus energy, hallelujah!
(Girls begin “gyrating” all over the room as Alf films)
Dad: Oh my look at Techi and Davida go! Oh my, oh boy! Golly goodness that is so heavenly. Mmmm!
Misty: (Currently too sick to dance) I agree I LOVE watching the girls dance!
Dad: Amen! Ah! Look at Maria! Just look!
Misty: Mmmmm! Mama is SO gorgeous!
Dad: Oh my! Oh no! ALF! ALF! OH! OH! Stop the filming, stop the filming. Oh my, oh no! One of Davida’s scarves has fallen off. Come here Davida; let me readjust that for you.
Davida: But Grandpa, my scarf didn’t fall off!
Sara: Don’t contradict Grandpa hunny!
Fam: Oh no what a rebellious child!
Dad: Come here NOW Davida, before I loose my patience. Your pelvic scarf needs to be adjusted!
(Dad “adjusts” Davida’s scarf)
Dad: ALF! ALF! Where are you? ALF!
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ha! For a minute I didn’t see you hiding behind the camera! We may commence filming Alf, man the camera!
(Filming continues as Dad and Misty openly gawk at the “heavenly dancers”)
A good few hours later…
Dad: Oh my it’s 9:00pm! It’s damn well past everyone’s bedtime. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Heck I sure enjoyed it!
Fam: Yes Dad that was so much fun!
Dad: So did you all learn how to dance? Did I teach you good? Aren’t I a good teacher folks?
Fam: the best!
Dad: Well scarves away and off to bed! And Sara your coming upstairs with me, keep your scarves on hunny! Ah praise be to God, will have to do this again sometime soon. Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? I can teach you. Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
In The King's Tent - Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Introduction
Maria: After a night of heavy drinking and lovemaking in Dad’s tent, he suddenly became filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in strong and yet very strange tongues. I quickly whipped out my handy Dictaphone so that none of our King’s seeds would fall to the ground…
In the King’s Tent--Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane! That’d shut em up pretty quick! Ha! Oh my I feel so infused in the Spirit! When I was making love to Teeny and Corny, I envisioned these very beautiful females, clothed in gypsy-like garb! I almost wonder if the Lord is trying to get through to me? Honey, please pass me another bottle of sherry!
Maria: Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?
Dad: (Roooooooooooooooooar) Do you presume to give the King orders in his own tent? My goodness me!
Maria: (Scared witless) Oh I’m sorry! Here it is Dad!
Dad: Amen, that’s my girl! It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”! Oh! Oh my Lord! Honey do you see that?
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
Maria: Anyways… you saw?
Dad: Ha! I got so angered with James lack of concern and care for you that it almost slipped my time. Hell! I almost forgot. Did you or did you not see that Majestic sight? That Gypsy King. Oh Mama it was so majestic and heavenly. He was sitting right there, and he was clothed in rags and filthy garments. He looked so regal, just like a Gypsy King. Oh my! He’s talking to me, I think he’s trying to speak.
Maria: What is his name? Does he have a name? What’s his name?
Dad: (The following is a translation of the gibberish tongues that flowed like liquid shit out of our King’s mouth) My name is Abrahim. I am a Gypsy. No, I am a Gypsy King. I was killed on the same night of my wedding to my third wife as we fucked like rabbits in our tent. David, David. You are the now the King, you must lead my Gypsy people, the literal scum of the earth. For me David, for I am Abrahim.
(Dad continues this time in English)
Hallelujiah! Halleujiah! Oh my, oh gracious I’m blubbering like an old man. Pass me some tissue Maria. Oh gracious!
Maria: That was such a powerful message, and you were speaking in tongues the whole time.
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
Maria: Honey while you were prophesying in tongues, I could’ve sworn I saw you change forms, you literally morphed into King Abrahim, it’s like for a second you weren’t yourself anymore.
Dad: Damn right! Why the hell would I be able to speak so easily, and so freely in a tongue I have never ever heard if it was me still talking? It was Jesus talking through him, talking through me. Hallelujah! Well folks sorry to cut this tape short, I feel on the verge of passing out. But I’m sure you folks got something out of this heavenly vision, the Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Maria: Amen Dad you’re so talented. Mmm you’re just so inspired, you’re a prophet, and you’re a King.
Dad: You better believe it- ha! Now Maria summon Corny and Teeny back in my tent at once. This Gypsy King’s about to get it on!
...To be continued…?
Maria: After a night of heavy drinking and lovemaking in Dad’s tent, he suddenly became filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in strong and yet very strange tongues. I quickly whipped out my handy Dictaphone so that none of our King’s seeds would fall to the ground…
In the King’s Tent--Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane! That’d shut em up pretty quick! Ha! Oh my I feel so infused in the Spirit! When I was making love to Teeny and Corny, I envisioned these very beautiful females, clothed in gypsy-like garb! I almost wonder if the Lord is trying to get through to me? Honey, please pass me another bottle of sherry!
Maria: Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?
Dad: (Roooooooooooooooooar) Do you presume to give the King orders in his own tent? My goodness me!
Maria: (Scared witless) Oh I’m sorry! Here it is Dad!
Dad: Amen, that’s my girl! It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”! Oh! Oh my Lord! Honey do you see that?
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
Maria: Anyways… you saw?
Dad: Ha! I got so angered with James lack of concern and care for you that it almost slipped my time. Hell! I almost forgot. Did you or did you not see that Majestic sight? That Gypsy King. Oh Mama it was so majestic and heavenly. He was sitting right there, and he was clothed in rags and filthy garments. He looked so regal, just like a Gypsy King. Oh my! He’s talking to me, I think he’s trying to speak.
Maria: What is his name? Does he have a name? What’s his name?
Dad: (The following is a translation of the gibberish tongues that flowed like liquid shit out of our King’s mouth) My name is Abrahim. I am a Gypsy. No, I am a Gypsy King. I was killed on the same night of my wedding to my third wife as we fucked like rabbits in our tent. David, David. You are the now the King, you must lead my Gypsy people, the literal scum of the earth. For me David, for I am Abrahim.
(Dad continues this time in English)
Hallelujiah! Halleujiah! Oh my, oh gracious I’m blubbering like an old man. Pass me some tissue Maria. Oh gracious!
Maria: That was such a powerful message, and you were speaking in tongues the whole time.
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
Maria: Honey while you were prophesying in tongues, I could’ve sworn I saw you change forms, you literally morphed into King Abrahim, it’s like for a second you weren’t yourself anymore.
Dad: Damn right! Why the hell would I be able to speak so easily, and so freely in a tongue I have never ever heard if it was me still talking? It was Jesus talking through him, talking through me. Hallelujah! Well folks sorry to cut this tape short, I feel on the verge of passing out. But I’m sure you folks got something out of this heavenly vision, the Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Maria: Amen Dad you’re so talented. Mmm you’re just so inspired, you’re a prophet, and you’re a King.
Dad: You better believe it- ha! Now Maria summon Corny and Teeny back in my tent at once. This Gypsy King’s about to get it on!
...To be continued…?
drummm roollllllll
And now folks here are some of the newer letters.
Jesus fuck you.
--Sara Queen of Childcare
Jesus fuck you.
--Sara Queen of Childcare
Bye, Bye, Birdie -- Dad's Jewels on Death and Dying
Bye, Bye, Birdie—Dad’s Jewels on Death and Dying
John and Alf: Hi everyone! We’re back with the shopping!
Dito: Oh goodie! U. Alf did you bring me any presents?
Sara: Now David! Oh my! To think you would ask such a question. Alf doesn’t go shopping just for you.
Alf: That’s true David! But, today I did happen to get you a little something. It’s a gift for you and Davida from Grandpa and Mommy.
Dito: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see it!
(Alf reaches down and lifts a big cage onto the table)
Sara: Oh my, what do you think could be in there, kids?
(Loud squawks come from cage)
Sara: Oh my! Oh gracious me, have you kids guessed what’s inside there yet?
Davida: It sounds like birds!
Alf: Yes! Dad thought it would be a wonderful present to the children to get them two beautiful parakeets! He also said it would teach them about responsibility and taking care of things. Do you kids like them?
Dito: Oh boy, oh boy! They’re so pretty!
Sara: Let’s bring the cage down to the nursery.
(A few minutes later)
Sara: Ah it’s perfect. I have the birds set up perfectly kids. There’s a nice high voltage neon bulb in the cage to keep the birdies warm. Then I put some fresh whole-grain oats and yeast, and a healthy honey and ginger drink in their feeders. That way they’ll get all the nutrients they need. I also made sure to cover all the air holes in the cage, so that the birdies don’t catch a cold. Oh look, here’s Grandpa!
Kids: Hi Dad, thanks so much for the birdies!
Dad: Ha! Well I’m glad you like them. I see Sara has got them set up nice and comfortable, just like a little bit of Heaven on earth, hallelujah! You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god dam evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals. Glory to God! I guess it’s just one of the many talents I’ve been blessed with.
Sara: Amen, that’s a wonderful story Dad!
Dito: Daddy, will you please show us then how to talk to the birdies in their speech?
Dad: Sure son! (Begins his bird dialogue) Cheep, cheep, cheep! Coo, chirp, cheep! Cheepity, cheep, chirpy, cheep!
Dito: Oh my! What does that mean?
Dad: It’s means ‘I love you’! Aha! Would you just look at that? The male parakeet is now trying to affectionately peck me! Ha! I guess he got the message! But I’d rather get pecked by the female parakeet! All the women in our homes are in a way just like little birdies. If you speak to them in the language of love they well lovingly peck you! (Begins “pecking at Sara”)
Sara: Mmmmmmm…. Hallelujah for Heaven!
Dito: I like holding the birds.
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
Sara: Yes sir!
(David and Davida begin touching and holding the birds)
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
(The next morning)
Sara: All right kids, you may play with the birds before school starts.
Kids: Oh goodie!
(David pulls the blanket off the birdcage)
Dito: Oh no! Oh my gracious me!
Sara: What, oh what is wrong?
Dito: The birdies are dead.
(David and Davida begin sobbing)
Dad: What in Heaven’s name seems to be the problem?
Dito: Grandpa I think the birds went to birdie Heaven.
Dad: Well how on earth did that happen? Did you kids forget to feed them? Did you forget to cover all the air holes to make sure they didn’t catch a chill in the night? Oh boy I think I’m getting mad now. I bought those birds and I expect you children to have learned responsibility by now. To think I would’ve trusted Sara with teaching the kids!
Sara: Oh my, do forgive me Dad! But we followed the instructions on how to care for birds in the Activity book to the smallest detail. It must be an attack of the Devil.
Dad: Oh my I hadn’t even thought of that. To think I would spend the Lord’s money to buy birds for the kids, and the very next day they mysteriously die makes me wonder. Oh boy! If you kids fed em’ right, and loved em’ right and yet they passed on, there must be something to it. Oh my, me oh my! I suppose that we’ll have to bury these dead birds. Oh boy! It does remind me of that time in the restaurant, where that older man fell into my arms, and slowly passed on to the other side. He was a good fellow, a Christian. He had lived a very healthy and active life. And I thought to myself, I thought, Lord why would you take him away? And the Lord answered so loud and so clear it was like he was in the same room. The Lord said to me, ‘It was his time’! Ha! Would you believe that? It was his time to go on. There was nothing left for him in this life and that’s why the Lord took him. Hallelujah!
Dito: (Sobbing softly) Grandpa do the birdies really go to Heaven?
Dad: Amen! You better believe they do son! I’ve had so many pets in my childhood years, and I know they’re all waiting for me up there. They’ll be part of my welcoming committee, ha! Animals have souls! Every living creature on this earth does, that’s the way the Lord intended it to be. David, would you go ask James for the shovel?
Dito: Yes sir!
(Dad continues his talk)
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. When I was in the army, I near straight out died from pneumonia. It was only when I begged Jesus for another chance that he literally brought me back from the grave, and resurrected me so that I may rule over you folks. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper. It’s just a wonder I’m still here. You folks should literally be praising and thanking God everyday for sparing my life so many thousands of times. Without the power of prayer I’d be dead. I don’t think you folks would last one minute without me! And sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I still alive Lord? Why do you keep saving me? And it came to me clear as a bell! It is not your time! Hallelujah! You better believe I’m here to stay until the Lord calls me home in that final hour, when the skies are red and lowering! Glory be to God! (Sings): Heavenly home, heavenly home…blah, blah, blah…
Dito: Here’s the shovel Grandpa!
Dad: Well Sara, let’s lift this cage and head outside with the kids. We have a burial to attend, a sombre funeral. Lucky I’m wearing my black bathrobe today, its almost like I’m dressed for the occasion. Davida, will you please grab that Bible and bring it along? That way we can read Scriptures to the birds as we return them to dust.
(In the garden)
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
Davida: Oh my!
Dad: Sara will you please begin to dig a hole?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: You kids could go put your angel costumes on that Gem made last week out of the old shower curtains. That way the birdies’ spirits will be able to depart in peace.
Kids: Yes sir!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Oh my! You kids are back already, and just on cue! Sara just finished digging the burial hole.
Sara: (Panting) That’s my workout for today! Ha!
Dad: Now David would you like to lead this little ceremony?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Please open the Bible to the book of Genesis! Aha! (Finds the verse he’s looking for) Okay! Sara, will you carefully wrap the birds in the scented toilet paper please? This reminds me of when they buried Jesus, and cloaked Him in scented oils and fresh linen. A burial fit for a King, hallelujah! Now Sara, carefully place the birds inside the hole, straight down to the bottom. That’s right, atta’ girl! David, will you please read the verse?
Dito: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. From dust thou are to dust thou shalt return.” (Genesis ?:??)
Dad: Now you and Davida can start carefully sprinkling the dust over the birdies, until you’ve covered them right back up. Oh my! Now son, why are you crying?
Dito: Because the birdies are dead!
Dad: That’s enough blubbering David! The birdies have gone on to be with Jesus. The Endtime is just around the corner, so you’ll see them soon enough. Suck up those tears like a brave boy son!
Dito: (Meekly) Yes sir!
Dad: Now let’s see…. where was I? Oh yes I was talking about Jesus and his burial. And I nearly think I’ve said all there is to say! That’s nigh enough talk of death for one day! Oh! I do actually have another story. This very sober situation reminds me of the time that my dog died. My oh my was I furious! I just about sobbed myself to sleep that night. My mother, the saint that she was, offered to pick up another dog from the pound for me but I flat out refused. I didn’t feel that any dog would be good enough to replace the dog that had been my loyal friend for years. But eventually I did get a new dog, and found I could be just as happy with a new pet! I know you kids may be mourning the loss of your birds now, but I’ll be sure to ask Alf to make a bird feeder for you.
Davida: What’s a bird feeder?
Dad: A bird feeder is a handcrafted wooden piece of craftsmanship that you fill with birdseeds and grains. Then you leave it outside, and watch and see all the many different species of birds that will come to feed on it.
Davida: Ooh that sounds wonderful Grandpa!
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha! From dust thou art, to dust we shall all return folks! Death is a wonderful thing, one of God’s many creations. So embrace it folks as you would life, hallelujah!
John and Alf: Hi everyone! We’re back with the shopping!
Dito: Oh goodie! U. Alf did you bring me any presents?
Sara: Now David! Oh my! To think you would ask such a question. Alf doesn’t go shopping just for you.
Alf: That’s true David! But, today I did happen to get you a little something. It’s a gift for you and Davida from Grandpa and Mommy.
Dito: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see it!
(Alf reaches down and lifts a big cage onto the table)
Sara: Oh my, what do you think could be in there, kids?
(Loud squawks come from cage)
Sara: Oh my! Oh gracious me, have you kids guessed what’s inside there yet?
Davida: It sounds like birds!
Alf: Yes! Dad thought it would be a wonderful present to the children to get them two beautiful parakeets! He also said it would teach them about responsibility and taking care of things. Do you kids like them?
Dito: Oh boy, oh boy! They’re so pretty!
Sara: Let’s bring the cage down to the nursery.
(A few minutes later)
Sara: Ah it’s perfect. I have the birds set up perfectly kids. There’s a nice high voltage neon bulb in the cage to keep the birdies warm. Then I put some fresh whole-grain oats and yeast, and a healthy honey and ginger drink in their feeders. That way they’ll get all the nutrients they need. I also made sure to cover all the air holes in the cage, so that the birdies don’t catch a cold. Oh look, here’s Grandpa!
Kids: Hi Dad, thanks so much for the birdies!
Dad: Ha! Well I’m glad you like them. I see Sara has got them set up nice and comfortable, just like a little bit of Heaven on earth, hallelujah! You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god dam evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals. Glory to God! I guess it’s just one of the many talents I’ve been blessed with.
Sara: Amen, that’s a wonderful story Dad!
Dito: Daddy, will you please show us then how to talk to the birdies in their speech?
Dad: Sure son! (Begins his bird dialogue) Cheep, cheep, cheep! Coo, chirp, cheep! Cheepity, cheep, chirpy, cheep!
Dito: Oh my! What does that mean?
Dad: It’s means ‘I love you’! Aha! Would you just look at that? The male parakeet is now trying to affectionately peck me! Ha! I guess he got the message! But I’d rather get pecked by the female parakeet! All the women in our homes are in a way just like little birdies. If you speak to them in the language of love they well lovingly peck you! (Begins “pecking at Sara”)
Sara: Mmmmmmm…. Hallelujah for Heaven!
Dito: I like holding the birds.
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
Sara: Yes sir!
(David and Davida begin touching and holding the birds)
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
(The next morning)
Sara: All right kids, you may play with the birds before school starts.
Kids: Oh goodie!
(David pulls the blanket off the birdcage)
Dito: Oh no! Oh my gracious me!
Sara: What, oh what is wrong?
Dito: The birdies are dead.
(David and Davida begin sobbing)
Dad: What in Heaven’s name seems to be the problem?
Dito: Grandpa I think the birds went to birdie Heaven.
Dad: Well how on earth did that happen? Did you kids forget to feed them? Did you forget to cover all the air holes to make sure they didn’t catch a chill in the night? Oh boy I think I’m getting mad now. I bought those birds and I expect you children to have learned responsibility by now. To think I would’ve trusted Sara with teaching the kids!
Sara: Oh my, do forgive me Dad! But we followed the instructions on how to care for birds in the Activity book to the smallest detail. It must be an attack of the Devil.
Dad: Oh my I hadn’t even thought of that. To think I would spend the Lord’s money to buy birds for the kids, and the very next day they mysteriously die makes me wonder. Oh boy! If you kids fed em’ right, and loved em’ right and yet they passed on, there must be something to it. Oh my, me oh my! I suppose that we’ll have to bury these dead birds. Oh boy! It does remind me of that time in the restaurant, where that older man fell into my arms, and slowly passed on to the other side. He was a good fellow, a Christian. He had lived a very healthy and active life. And I thought to myself, I thought, Lord why would you take him away? And the Lord answered so loud and so clear it was like he was in the same room. The Lord said to me, ‘It was his time’! Ha! Would you believe that? It was his time to go on. There was nothing left for him in this life and that’s why the Lord took him. Hallelujah!
Dito: (Sobbing softly) Grandpa do the birdies really go to Heaven?
Dad: Amen! You better believe they do son! I’ve had so many pets in my childhood years, and I know they’re all waiting for me up there. They’ll be part of my welcoming committee, ha! Animals have souls! Every living creature on this earth does, that’s the way the Lord intended it to be. David, would you go ask James for the shovel?
Dito: Yes sir!
(Dad continues his talk)
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. When I was in the army, I near straight out died from pneumonia. It was only when I begged Jesus for another chance that he literally brought me back from the grave, and resurrected me so that I may rule over you folks. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper. It’s just a wonder I’m still here. You folks should literally be praising and thanking God everyday for sparing my life so many thousands of times. Without the power of prayer I’d be dead. I don’t think you folks would last one minute without me! And sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I still alive Lord? Why do you keep saving me? And it came to me clear as a bell! It is not your time! Hallelujah! You better believe I’m here to stay until the Lord calls me home in that final hour, when the skies are red and lowering! Glory be to God! (Sings): Heavenly home, heavenly home…blah, blah, blah…
Dito: Here’s the shovel Grandpa!
Dad: Well Sara, let’s lift this cage and head outside with the kids. We have a burial to attend, a sombre funeral. Lucky I’m wearing my black bathrobe today, its almost like I’m dressed for the occasion. Davida, will you please grab that Bible and bring it along? That way we can read Scriptures to the birds as we return them to dust.
(In the garden)
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
Davida: Oh my!
Dad: Sara will you please begin to dig a hole?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: You kids could go put your angel costumes on that Gem made last week out of the old shower curtains. That way the birdies’ spirits will be able to depart in peace.
Kids: Yes sir!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Oh my! You kids are back already, and just on cue! Sara just finished digging the burial hole.
Sara: (Panting) That’s my workout for today! Ha!
Dad: Now David would you like to lead this little ceremony?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Please open the Bible to the book of Genesis! Aha! (Finds the verse he’s looking for) Okay! Sara, will you carefully wrap the birds in the scented toilet paper please? This reminds me of when they buried Jesus, and cloaked Him in scented oils and fresh linen. A burial fit for a King, hallelujah! Now Sara, carefully place the birds inside the hole, straight down to the bottom. That’s right, atta’ girl! David, will you please read the verse?
Dito: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. From dust thou are to dust thou shalt return.” (Genesis ?:??)
Dad: Now you and Davida can start carefully sprinkling the dust over the birdies, until you’ve covered them right back up. Oh my! Now son, why are you crying?
Dito: Because the birdies are dead!
Dad: That’s enough blubbering David! The birdies have gone on to be with Jesus. The Endtime is just around the corner, so you’ll see them soon enough. Suck up those tears like a brave boy son!
Dito: (Meekly) Yes sir!
Dad: Now let’s see…. where was I? Oh yes I was talking about Jesus and his burial. And I nearly think I’ve said all there is to say! That’s nigh enough talk of death for one day! Oh! I do actually have another story. This very sober situation reminds me of the time that my dog died. My oh my was I furious! I just about sobbed myself to sleep that night. My mother, the saint that she was, offered to pick up another dog from the pound for me but I flat out refused. I didn’t feel that any dog would be good enough to replace the dog that had been my loyal friend for years. But eventually I did get a new dog, and found I could be just as happy with a new pet! I know you kids may be mourning the loss of your birds now, but I’ll be sure to ask Alf to make a bird feeder for you.
Davida: What’s a bird feeder?
Dad: A bird feeder is a handcrafted wooden piece of craftsmanship that you fill with birdseeds and grains. Then you leave it outside, and watch and see all the many different species of birds that will come to feed on it.
Davida: Ooh that sounds wonderful Grandpa!
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha! From dust thou art, to dust we shall all return folks! Death is a wonderful thing, one of God’s many creations. So embrace it folks as you would life, hallelujah!
Sara's Confessions - PCLOOH
Sara’s Confessions—PCLOOH
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!
Dad: What honey?
Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?
Misty: Yes honey bun!
(5 minutes later)
Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!
Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)
(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)
Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!
Fam: Ha!
Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.
(Sara begins to cry softly)
Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”
Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.
Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.
(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)
Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!
Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?
Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?
Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?
Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!
Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!
(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!
Mad Dad
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!
Dad: What honey?
Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?
Misty: Yes honey bun!
(5 minutes later)
Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!
Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)
(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)
Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!
Fam: Ha!
Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.
(Sara begins to cry softly)
Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”
Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.
Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.
(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)
Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!
Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?
Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?
Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?
Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!
Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!
(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!
Mad Dad
Dito OD's - The Dangers of Household Cleaners
Dito OD’s – The Dangers of Household Cleaners
Sara: Okay kids; I have to go wash the laundry in the stream! You can all have some playtime together while I’m gone, but please don’t go near the fireplace or any of the out-of-reach cabinets.
Kids: Yes Ma’am!
(Sara leaves room)
Dito: I want more juice!
Davida: But mommy already gave us peanut butter for snack.
Dito: Yes but I’m still hungry and thirsty. I was helping Alf and Grandpa fix Misty’s office chair before, and I really ‘worked up a sweat’.
Davida: But mommy said we mustn’t go into the cupboards without her permission.
Dito: Well I’m thirsty! Plus it will be fun.
Davida: Okay if you say so!
Dito: Pass me that chair so I can stand up on it and look in the closets.
(Davida pushes chair over to Dito)
Dito: Oh look! Oh boy! Oh gosh! This bottle says ‘coke’ on it. Sara’s never let us drink coke before, someone from the staff probably drank it.
Davida: But it will rot your teeth David!
Dito: A little coca cola never hurt anyone! You better not tell on me.
(Dito gulps coke down)
Dito: Here have a sip of it Davida; it’s nice and sweet.
Davida: No David, I would never disobey mommy, or Grandpa’s health rules.
(Dito keeps drinking and polishes off the entire bottle)
Dito: Uggh! That actually tasted a bit sick! Not like coca cola at all. (Cough) Now I have a rumbly in my tumbly. I think I’m getting a stomachache.
Davida: Oh no! I told you not to drink that David. Grandpa told me you could die from drinking those poisonous sugary drinks.
Dito: (Reels a bit) Oh my! I feel so sick now. I should never have drunk that. It tasted nice at first, but not like coca cola at all. Uggh! I feel so sick. (Cough, cough) Oh boy I’ve gotta sit down!
Davida: David you are so foolish to do such a bad thing. I’m telling on you.
(David suddenly barfs on floor)
Davida: (Lets out high-pitched scream) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
MOMMY!
(Sara comes running in)
Sara: Oh my golly! What in the world is going on? Davida you have been told never to scream in the King’s house!! I should take you over my knee right now!
Davida: (Bawling hysterically) Mommy, Dito drank the coca cola bottle and now he’s throwing up!
Sara: Oh my god! Dito! DITO! He’s passed out! Oh my goodness! His eyes are rolling back into his head. What do I do, oh what do I do?
Davida: Should I call the staff?
Sara: NO! Don’t do that Davida, get me the vitamin C and honey cough syrup so I can revive him!
Davida: Yes Ma’am.
(Sara begins spooning cough syrup into David’s mouth)
Sara: Oh my, this is a high crisis, life-endangering situation for our Prince.
(All of a sudden Dad and Maria come rushing in)
Dad: WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?
Sara: Dito passed out!
Dad: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! WHAT? HOW IN GOD’S GOOD NAME DID THIS HAPPEN?
Davida: He drank a whole bottle of coca cola!
Dad: My gosh! God damn those unhealthy sugary drinks the system makes. I could start puking right now it makes me so sick. Davida let me see the bottle, NOW!
(Davida hands Dad coca-cola bottle)
Dad: WHAT the… (Rips off paper label) This isn’t coca cola! This is toilet acid!
(Maria screams loudly)
Maria: Oh Lordy Lord! Will Dito live?
Dad: Call the staff in here immediately so we can lay hands on him!
Maria: Yes sir!
Dad: It makes me sick that someone would be so careless as to change a label on a bottle of poison.
Sara: Dad I don’t think Dito’s breathing. Should I call the doctor I flirty-fished?
Dad: Hell no! When have I ever relied on medicine to save a life? My god to think you would be so stupid as to ask me such a ridiculous question! If almost makes me wonder if you even deserve to be in this Family. It’s almost like you have no faith whatsoever to be so bold and brazen as to ask such a stupid and faithless question.
Sara: (Fighting back tears) I’m sorry Dad, please forgive my stupidity!
Maria: The staff is here Dad!
Dad: Well it’s about time. You think you folks would be here instantly when Dito is practically passing on to the other side, but no! You folks have the nerve to lag over here. What’s it been, five minutes since I called for you? My god!
Staff: We’re very sorry Dad!
Dad: Now let me think, oh let me think! What oh what could we use to revive David? Hum…hum…Who knows CPR?
Gabe: I learned basic CPR when I was in the army!
Dad: Well I guess that must’ve been the reason the Lord had you join it then Gabe! God doesn’t make mistakes, and now the 3 years you wasted in the goddamn army will be used for his glory! Hallelujah! Snap to duty son!
Gabe: Yes sir!
(Begins performing CPR on David)
Maria: Gem please go get the cooking oil from the kitchen so we can anoint David and lay hands on him.
Dad: Who in the world changed the label on this bottle?
(Silence)
Dad: Oh my flies are whizzing past my ears and I didn’t hear anyone speak up! WHO OH WHO CHANGED THE LABEL ON THIS BOTTLE?
Alf: (Meekly mumbles) I did sir!
Dad: WHAT? (Roar, Growl, Grrr) Why on earth would you do something so stupid? Are you brain dead son? Do you not realize what a stupid mistake that was? Why the hell would you change the label to say coca-cola? No one in this Family, much less this home is allowed to drink that diabolical poison!
Alf: I did it as a prank on April Fool’s Dad, I’m ever so sorry!
Dad: Sorry doesn’t fix it Alf! My god if I were to keep track of your blunders I’d have written a whole book my now! I’m thinking oh boy, I might as well kick you out of the home right now! I’m thinking to myself, well if Alf wasn’t such a good handyman I’d throw him out of my house right this minute! Do you realize the severity of this situation son?
Alf: Yes sir!
Dad: My god I could throw you out of my house and back into the system if you weren’t such a good handyman! If I didn’t need you to do the little fix-it jobs around the home, I’d throw you out. With your very limited personal and professional skills you wouldn’t even last so much as a day in the system Alf, there’s no love out there. Systemites are not prone to love and forgiveness like I am. Maybe I should throw you out, as a lesson to the whole Family, and believe you me I would! But you’re a good handyman son, that’s why we need you here. Ha!
Maria: You can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater! Ha!
Fam: Ha! Amen!
Gabe: I think Dito’s slowly reviving! Thank god the bottle wasn’t totally full or he might not have made it!
Dad: Hallelujah! (To Dito) How are you feeling son?
(Dito barfs again on the carpet)
Maria: He’s letting it all out.
Dad: Amen! Vomit is one of God’s natural remedies! He created it as a healer, a cleanser to our bodies. In that way if we abuse our bodies we our still able to let it out, if not we would die! Hallelujah!
Sara: We should still lay hands on him!
Dad: Amen! And look! Oh my goodness just look! Gem’s here right on cue with the cooking oil! It’s almost as if the Lord timed it out, so she’d arrive just as we were about to pray!
Maria: A check from the Lord!
Dad: Amen Mama!
(Everyone lays hands on Dito)
Sara Prays: Dear Jesus, thank you for saving Dito! Please forgive Alf for his blunder Lord, we all make mistakes. What matters is that you have saved Dito from the fiery depths of hell, from his near departure into your arms. For this Jesus we thank you! If you had chosen fit to take Dito at this time Lord, he would’ve been ready! But without him we would not have a second Endtime witness, and that’s why you spared Dito. He is one of your Endtime witnesses and we need him here dear Love. Hallelujah! Praise you Lord for your never-ending mercy.
Fam: Amen!
Dad: Oh boy what a close call! My goodness! Now I’m thinking, I’m nearly wracking my brain as to what the Lord wants me to call this whole talk, this whole heavy lesson. And its like for once in my life I’m at a loss for words! Oh my what am I going to do?
Maria: Well it’s almost like Dito OD’ed! Just like when we were all in the System, in the hippie movement. I think that title would really speak out to many of our Family, especially our young teens that have considered dabbling in drugs and substance abuse. It’s like a warning of what could happen!
Dad: Oh my! Mama it’s like the Dalai Lama himself just spoke through you.
Maria: The Dalai Lama?
Dad: Yes! The Buddhist spiritual leader, and founder of the hippie movement in China! Well then that’s what it shall be called. Dito OD’s!
Sara: Well Dad, this horrible mistake also happened because of the label change on the bottle. That’s what caused Dito to drink it. He drank a house cleaner.
Dad: There you have it! If Maria wasn’t the Queen first and foremost I may even consider choosing you as a birdie to sit on my shoulder. Thank you Sara that was a very heavenly revelation. Oh my! So there you have it folks! Dito OD’s, the Danger of Household Cleaners. Let this be a warning!
The Pork Sausage - Alf's Nearly Fatal Mistake
The Pork Sausage-
Alf’s Nearly Fatal Mistake
Alf: Hi everyone, I’m home with the shopping!
Sara: Oh hi honey! So good to have you back! The kids have been waiting for you because they’re so excited to help you put all the groceries away.
Kids: Oh goodie, U. Alf is home!
Alf: Well then lets get unpacking! I got everything that was on the shopping list! Would you kids like to see my handy dandy little shopper’s list, so you know what we got?
Kids: Yes
Alf’s Shopping List:
1. 2 stems of celery
2. Big barrel of honey (for Maria’s tea concoctions)
3. 4 cans of beans
4. 1 kilo of lemons (for lemonade)
5. Eggs (for Dad’s coffee eggnog)
6. Chicken Soup (for Misty who’s sick)
7. Heads of Asparagus
8. Aspirins (for everyone in the home)
9. Al Capone Cigars (for Dad to use as air freshener after potty breaks)
10. 1 Large Pork Sausage
Dito: U. Alf, what’s a pork sausage?
Alf: It’s a large piece of delicious meat. It’s actually made from pigs, kind of like hot dogs actually. I got it for Gem to use in the one-pot meal tonight.
Dito: Okay!
Later on that Evening at the Dinner Table…
Dad: Hallelujah folks! My, me oh my! It’s time to eat once again! Dito, would you be a gentleman and pull out a chair for our Queen? As I always say, little legs are made for light work-ha!
Maria: Smells like Gem’s cooking up yet another one-pot meal.
Dad: Oh boy I can’t wait! It reminds me of when my mother used to cook up these excellent stews when I was only a boy. Ah! There that’s just the way I like to see it. Me at the head of the table, with the Queen on my right hand, and the Prince on my left, and the little Princess next to the Prince. And then the rest of you servants of the Most High gathered around us. Hallelujah for Heaven!!
Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, let them hear! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious! I don’t ever want to see or hear of you putting others at risk because of your own carelessness.
Gem: (Sniffles) Yes Dad I’m very sorry!
(Gem sets pot down on hot pad)
Dad: (Opens lid of the pot) What are we having tonight Gem?
Gem: (Proudly) It’s a one-pot meal Dad, I made it myself!
Dad: Oh boy it smells delicious! What’s in it?
Gem: Beans, celery, some old flour, cornstarch, refried beef, fermented yeast and grains, heads of asparagus, stale potatoes, and a pork sausage.
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!
Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Gem: Alf bought the pork sausage this afternoon for the stew. It wasn’t on the recipe, but he said he had it as a kid and that it really adds flavour and tastes good.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Alf: I’m so sorry Dad! I had pork sausages a lot as a kid and it never made me sick! I thought it would be a nice edition to the meal!
Dad: Who ever asked you son? Mama gives Sara the recipes for the cooks. She always makes sure they’re packed with healthy, wholesome ingredients. What makes you think you have a right to change what our Queen has ordained in this house? Oh boy my face is so red in righteous anger!
Maria: It’s very saddening and sobering to think that Alf would make such a dangerous mistake!
Fam: Amen!
Dad: Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
Alf: No sir!
Maria: What are we going to eat for dinner now?
Dad: Oh boy I hadn’t even thought of that. I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!
Maria: Wow Dad! When I came down for dinner I certainly wasn’t expecting you to have such a powerful and sobering talk!
Dad: Me neither! But the Lord comes through me every single time! Ha. Gem, could you bring out some of the Green Tea with honey flavouring please?
Gem: Yes sir!
Maria: Remember to say ‘hot pot’, or ‘coming through’!
Gem: Yes Ma’am.
Fam: Hallelujah, what an inspiring dinner talk Dad!
Dad: What’d you folks learn from tonight?
Fam: (Munching on food) Never eat pork sausages!
Dad: (Chews) Yes amen!
Sara: And always yell ‘hot pot’ when holding something that is dangerously hot.
Dad: Oh my! Oh my gosh! It almost slipped my mind. I almost forgot to mention that when drinking tea, the only way you can know if it’s cold enough is by holding your pinkie finger in it for about 1 minute. If you can do that without getting burned, it’s safe to drink.
Fam: Amen, good pointer!
Dad: Hallelujah! This dinner turned out to be a wonderful learning experience for all. Is your home serving pork sausages for dinner? Have you been walking around with hot objects? Let me tell you folks end it now. Or else your good ol’ Papa Lion will be there to roar the living daylights out of you. Hallelujah!
Alf’s Nearly Fatal Mistake
Alf: Hi everyone, I’m home with the shopping!
Sara: Oh hi honey! So good to have you back! The kids have been waiting for you because they’re so excited to help you put all the groceries away.
Kids: Oh goodie, U. Alf is home!
Alf: Well then lets get unpacking! I got everything that was on the shopping list! Would you kids like to see my handy dandy little shopper’s list, so you know what we got?
Kids: Yes
Alf’s Shopping List:
1. 2 stems of celery
2. Big barrel of honey (for Maria’s tea concoctions)
3. 4 cans of beans
4. 1 kilo of lemons (for lemonade)
5. Eggs (for Dad’s coffee eggnog)
6. Chicken Soup (for Misty who’s sick)
7. Heads of Asparagus
8. Aspirins (for everyone in the home)
9. Al Capone Cigars (for Dad to use as air freshener after potty breaks)
10. 1 Large Pork Sausage
Dito: U. Alf, what’s a pork sausage?
Alf: It’s a large piece of delicious meat. It’s actually made from pigs, kind of like hot dogs actually. I got it for Gem to use in the one-pot meal tonight.
Dito: Okay!
Later on that Evening at the Dinner Table…
Dad: Hallelujah folks! My, me oh my! It’s time to eat once again! Dito, would you be a gentleman and pull out a chair for our Queen? As I always say, little legs are made for light work-ha!
Maria: Smells like Gem’s cooking up yet another one-pot meal.
Dad: Oh boy I can’t wait! It reminds me of when my mother used to cook up these excellent stews when I was only a boy. Ah! There that’s just the way I like to see it. Me at the head of the table, with the Queen on my right hand, and the Prince on my left, and the little Princess next to the Prince. And then the rest of you servants of the Most High gathered around us. Hallelujah for Heaven!!
Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, let them hear! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious! I don’t ever want to see or hear of you putting others at risk because of your own carelessness.
Gem: (Sniffles) Yes Dad I’m very sorry!
(Gem sets pot down on hot pad)
Dad: (Opens lid of the pot) What are we having tonight Gem?
Gem: (Proudly) It’s a one-pot meal Dad, I made it myself!
Dad: Oh boy it smells delicious! What’s in it?
Gem: Beans, celery, some old flour, cornstarch, refried beef, fermented yeast and grains, heads of asparagus, stale potatoes, and a pork sausage.
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!
Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Gem: Alf bought the pork sausage this afternoon for the stew. It wasn’t on the recipe, but he said he had it as a kid and that it really adds flavour and tastes good.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Alf: I’m so sorry Dad! I had pork sausages a lot as a kid and it never made me sick! I thought it would be a nice edition to the meal!
Dad: Who ever asked you son? Mama gives Sara the recipes for the cooks. She always makes sure they’re packed with healthy, wholesome ingredients. What makes you think you have a right to change what our Queen has ordained in this house? Oh boy my face is so red in righteous anger!
Maria: It’s very saddening and sobering to think that Alf would make such a dangerous mistake!
Fam: Amen!
Dad: Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
Alf: No sir!
Maria: What are we going to eat for dinner now?
Dad: Oh boy I hadn’t even thought of that. I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!
Maria: Wow Dad! When I came down for dinner I certainly wasn’t expecting you to have such a powerful and sobering talk!
Dad: Me neither! But the Lord comes through me every single time! Ha. Gem, could you bring out some of the Green Tea with honey flavouring please?
Gem: Yes sir!
Maria: Remember to say ‘hot pot’, or ‘coming through’!
Gem: Yes Ma’am.
Fam: Hallelujah, what an inspiring dinner talk Dad!
Dad: What’d you folks learn from tonight?
Fam: (Munching on food) Never eat pork sausages!
Dad: (Chews) Yes amen!
Sara: And always yell ‘hot pot’ when holding something that is dangerously hot.
Dad: Oh my! Oh my gosh! It almost slipped my mind. I almost forgot to mention that when drinking tea, the only way you can know if it’s cold enough is by holding your pinkie finger in it for about 1 minute. If you can do that without getting burned, it’s safe to drink.
Fam: Amen, good pointer!
Dad: Hallelujah! This dinner turned out to be a wonderful learning experience for all. Is your home serving pork sausages for dinner? Have you been walking around with hot objects? Let me tell you folks end it now. Or else your good ol’ Papa Lion will be there to roar the living daylights out of you. Hallelujah!
The Flow of a Prince - Prayer Against the Demon of Urine
The Flow of a Prince
Prayer Against The Demon of Urine
Dad: Hallelujah! Son come sit here in the chair!
Maria: Where’s Sara? Is she present? She’s David’s caretaker and lover she should be here.
Sara: I’m here Mama.
Dad: Son do you know why you’re here? To you know what the Enemy has been trying to do to you?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: To think my own son would have a problem with bedwetting makes me wonder. Oh my goodness! Bedwetting is not just something that happens folks; it’s a direct attack on the Enemy of our children. Bedwetting is an attack of the Devil.
Maria: Does that mean that the Devil causes children to wet they’re beds?
Dad: Yes exactly! You know what I think caused it?
Sara: Dito started wetting his bed a lot after he met those children from the other unit. They wet their beds to get attention, and I think he was jealous.
Dad: These children have been emanating a very bad vibe trying to get Dito in on their Devilish tricks, it almost makes me sick. To think some of our very own children would do something like that. Playing their sick disgusting mind games with Dito, my goodness gracious! Boy oh boy it makes me fighting mad! When I saw that boy from the other home last week at a staff meeting, he had almost an evil twinkle in his eyes, like he knew exactly what kind of psychological damage he was causing Dito. Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick.
Maria: Oh sorry honey is it something you ate?
Dad: (GROWL) NO! I’M JUST SICK AT THESE GAMES THE DEVIL HAS BEEN PLAYING!! When I was I child I just about never had bedwetting problem. When your children start having problems like that you know there’s something not right in the spirit. The same when kids are sick, you can know right away that it’s because of a sin.
Maria: The sin of their parents?
Dad: Either! My god those kids in the next home, trying to get Dito to misbehave and tempt the Lord. Sara have you been looking into it? Have you been concerned enough for our Prince to really get desperate with the Lord?
Sara: Not really Dad! I thought it was natural for children to have bedwetting problems!
Dad: Oh my! Oh my, me oh my! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness gracious! Oh my Lord! Wake up to the spiritual warfare Sara!
Maria: To think we would trust Sara with taking care of Dito when she doesn’t even realize what’s going on in the spirit here!
Fam: Very sobering!
Dad: (Strong weeping in strange tongues) Oh Lord cure Davidito! Release him of these demons! Oh that ye would stop the flow. Oh that ye would destroy those that have tried to destroy him through this horrible psychological and spiritual attack! Dito is so young, and so weak! He is your Prince Lord. Deliver him of these adversaries!
Fam: Amen!
Dad: (Wipes “tears”) Oh my! I just had a vision!
Maria: A vision?
Dad: I saw hovered over Davidito a very evil looking creature.
Maria: Was it Bacchus?
Dad: No! It seemed the Lord was showing me the very demon that has been plaguing Davidito, and causing him to wet his bed.
Maria: The demon of urine?
Dad: Yes! He attacks our children!
Maria: Children in the Family?
Dad: Yes!
Maria: Is he a principality or a power?
Dad: He seems to be one of the demons that is very low in rank. He has no underlings! He is the demon Urineathon!
Maria: Urineathon?
Dad: Yes!
Maria: The demon of urine?
Fam: Does he only attack children in the Family?
Dad: Yes! Our children our very sensitive to the spirit, and he is sent to attack them spiritually while they are still young, and try to render them useless for the Lord.
Maria: Oh my! Has he left Davidito now?
Dad: Yes! If I hadn’t prayed for Davidito He would still have power over him. But now that I’ve prayed he has fled.
Fam: Cast out these demons in My name!
Dad: Amen! Dito you have been delivered!
Sara: Hallelujah!
Dad: Amen! Glory to God!
Maria: Thank you Jesus for delivering Dito!
Prayer Against The Demon of Urine
Dad: Hallelujah! Son come sit here in the chair!
Maria: Where’s Sara? Is she present? She’s David’s caretaker and lover she should be here.
Sara: I’m here Mama.
Dad: Son do you know why you’re here? To you know what the Enemy has been trying to do to you?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: To think my own son would have a problem with bedwetting makes me wonder. Oh my goodness! Bedwetting is not just something that happens folks; it’s a direct attack on the Enemy of our children. Bedwetting is an attack of the Devil.
Maria: Does that mean that the Devil causes children to wet they’re beds?
Dad: Yes exactly! You know what I think caused it?
Sara: Dito started wetting his bed a lot after he met those children from the other unit. They wet their beds to get attention, and I think he was jealous.
Dad: These children have been emanating a very bad vibe trying to get Dito in on their Devilish tricks, it almost makes me sick. To think some of our very own children would do something like that. Playing their sick disgusting mind games with Dito, my goodness gracious! Boy oh boy it makes me fighting mad! When I saw that boy from the other home last week at a staff meeting, he had almost an evil twinkle in his eyes, like he knew exactly what kind of psychological damage he was causing Dito. Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick.
Maria: Oh sorry honey is it something you ate?
Dad: (GROWL) NO! I’M JUST SICK AT THESE GAMES THE DEVIL HAS BEEN PLAYING!! When I was I child I just about never had bedwetting problem. When your children start having problems like that you know there’s something not right in the spirit. The same when kids are sick, you can know right away that it’s because of a sin.
Maria: The sin of their parents?
Dad: Either! My god those kids in the next home, trying to get Dito to misbehave and tempt the Lord. Sara have you been looking into it? Have you been concerned enough for our Prince to really get desperate with the Lord?
Sara: Not really Dad! I thought it was natural for children to have bedwetting problems!
Dad: Oh my! Oh my, me oh my! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness gracious! Oh my Lord! Wake up to the spiritual warfare Sara!
Maria: To think we would trust Sara with taking care of Dito when she doesn’t even realize what’s going on in the spirit here!
Fam: Very sobering!
Dad: (Strong weeping in strange tongues) Oh Lord cure Davidito! Release him of these demons! Oh that ye would stop the flow. Oh that ye would destroy those that have tried to destroy him through this horrible psychological and spiritual attack! Dito is so young, and so weak! He is your Prince Lord. Deliver him of these adversaries!
Fam: Amen!
Dad: (Wipes “tears”) Oh my! I just had a vision!
Maria: A vision?
Dad: I saw hovered over Davidito a very evil looking creature.
Maria: Was it Bacchus?
Dad: No! It seemed the Lord was showing me the very demon that has been plaguing Davidito, and causing him to wet his bed.
Maria: The demon of urine?
Dad: Yes! He attacks our children!
Maria: Children in the Family?
Dad: Yes!
Maria: Is he a principality or a power?
Dad: He seems to be one of the demons that is very low in rank. He has no underlings! He is the demon Urineathon!
Maria: Urineathon?
Dad: Yes!
Maria: The demon of urine?
Fam: Does he only attack children in the Family?
Dad: Yes! Our children our very sensitive to the spirit, and he is sent to attack them spiritually while they are still young, and try to render them useless for the Lord.
Maria: Oh my! Has he left Davidito now?
Dad: Yes! If I hadn’t prayed for Davidito He would still have power over him. But now that I’ve prayed he has fled.
Fam: Cast out these demons in My name!
Dad: Amen! Dito you have been delivered!
Sara: Hallelujah!
Dad: Amen! Glory to God!
Maria: Thank you Jesus for delivering Dito!
God Hates Homosexuals (But was it her fault Maria turned her into a Lesbian?)
GOD Hates Homosexuals – And a Prayer of Deliverance for Keda
Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin
By Moses David
Dad: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Strong Heavy Tongues and Weeping) Oh that ye would come out, I command you to come out! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! O that ye would be straight!
Maria: Keda are you really desperate? Are you here in the spirit with us? Should we lay hands on her?
Fam: And Jesus said when ye call on my name the demons of sodomy will flee from ye!
Dad: Amen. My god to think we would have a lesbian in our own home. Sodomy just makes me sick folks; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. God hates sodomy and sodomites, he destroyed all of em’ folks and He’ll do it again one of these days. Keda are you ready to repent of your sins? Are you really repentant in your heart?
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant. It’s almost like I can see the demons of homosexuality through the very rebellious spirit she is manifesting.
Dad: Oh my! Oh me oh my! Oh my Lord! Oh my goodness! Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy! If we can’t cast these out of her there is just no hope left. (Growl, ROAR) KEDA ARE YOU READY TO REPENT??
Keda: Yes Dad!
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant to me!
Dad: Well she better be! I’ll spank her just like I did Mene if that’s what it takes, if that’s the only she’ll be repentant. Keda I better see you crying out to the Lord, or I’ll take you over my knee right now. I’ll spank the sodomy out of you if I have to! If that’s what it takes. God hates sodomites and homosexuals; he hates the whole lot of them. And he’s going to wipe them off the face of the earth one of these days! Hallelujah! Oh my me oh my! Would someone hand me a tissue? The Lord is speaking through me with such power that tears have come to my eyes!
Maria: I don’t see any tears of repentance from you Keda! Are you really here with us in the Spirit?
Fam: We forgot to anoint her with oil!
Dad: Keda this is the last resort! You have to want to change, we can’t allow you to live in this home, in My home, unless you change your ways. It reminds of the time a sick homosexual Jewish priest tried to molest me while I was in Haifa.
Fam: Didn’t that happen to Mama’s fish?
Dad: Well whatever! It happened! I may not always get my facts right but the message still comes through. And that Jewish priest straight out accosted our good Arab friend with his blatant homosexuality! Oh boy it makes me mad! I could almost puke! (Dad prays—strong weeping) Goddamn the homosexuals Lord! Wipe them out! Destroy them all! Wipe them off this planet Lord just like you did with the Israelites who disobeyed you. (Tongues) Hadihidhaiahahaha Boboboboboboibiiiibibio Sheshshahahdoauhahbebahe
Maria: Keda are you ready to repent now? Are you ready to have us pray for you now?
Fam: Get the oil quick!
Maria: Everyone lay hands one her!
Maria Prays for Keda: Thank you Lord! Thank you sweet love for your oil of deliverance! Dear Jesus Keda has been held down by these female demons for so long! I command you to cast them out of her! Rid her of them! Lord Jesus your word is very clear on this subject! There is no room in your kingdom for sinners who blatantly disregard your truth! Lord sodomy is just flagrant disobedience to your Word, to the truth! Rid her of these evil demons that possess her! Like Dad said you are going to wipe these homosexuals off this planet very soon! So I beg you Lord to cure her! We love Keda so much Lord! We want her in this home, we want her to be able to serve you to her utmost! But she can’t do that Jesus as long as she is possessed with these demons! Please Jesus rid her of them! Do it Lord! Do it now! Hallelujah, hallejuah! Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus. Thank you precious Jesus!
Fam: Amen! Praise you Lord!
Maria: Are you cured now? Have they left you? Do you now feel free now Keda?
Keda: Umm….yes thank you Lord for the power of prayer!
Fam: The Power of Prayer! Prayer works! PTL!
Dad: We love you honey! We have to come on strong! Because there just is no room for the sin of homosexuality!
Fam: Prayer and laying on of hands!
Dad: Amen! Folks God hates homosexuality, amen? Are you harbouring same-sex tendencies folks? Ask the Lord to cure you! God hates homosexuality, he hates flagrant disobedience more than anything else. Sodomy is a sin in the eyes of God. Get prayer, and get delivered! Hallelujah! I love you!
Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin
By Moses David
Dad: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Strong Heavy Tongues and Weeping) Oh that ye would come out, I command you to come out! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! O that ye would be straight!
Maria: Keda are you really desperate? Are you here in the spirit with us? Should we lay hands on her?
Fam: And Jesus said when ye call on my name the demons of sodomy will flee from ye!
Dad: Amen. My god to think we would have a lesbian in our own home. Sodomy just makes me sick folks; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. God hates sodomy and sodomites, he destroyed all of em’ folks and He’ll do it again one of these days. Keda are you ready to repent of your sins? Are you really repentant in your heart?
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant. It’s almost like I can see the demons of homosexuality through the very rebellious spirit she is manifesting.
Dad: Oh my! Oh me oh my! Oh my Lord! Oh my goodness! Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy! If we can’t cast these out of her there is just no hope left. (Growl, ROAR) KEDA ARE YOU READY TO REPENT??
Keda: Yes Dad!
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant to me!
Dad: Well she better be! I’ll spank her just like I did Mene if that’s what it takes, if that’s the only she’ll be repentant. Keda I better see you crying out to the Lord, or I’ll take you over my knee right now. I’ll spank the sodomy out of you if I have to! If that’s what it takes. God hates sodomites and homosexuals; he hates the whole lot of them. And he’s going to wipe them off the face of the earth one of these days! Hallelujah! Oh my me oh my! Would someone hand me a tissue? The Lord is speaking through me with such power that tears have come to my eyes!
Maria: I don’t see any tears of repentance from you Keda! Are you really here with us in the Spirit?
Fam: We forgot to anoint her with oil!
Dad: Keda this is the last resort! You have to want to change, we can’t allow you to live in this home, in My home, unless you change your ways. It reminds of the time a sick homosexual Jewish priest tried to molest me while I was in Haifa.
Fam: Didn’t that happen to Mama’s fish?
Dad: Well whatever! It happened! I may not always get my facts right but the message still comes through. And that Jewish priest straight out accosted our good Arab friend with his blatant homosexuality! Oh boy it makes me mad! I could almost puke! (Dad prays—strong weeping) Goddamn the homosexuals Lord! Wipe them out! Destroy them all! Wipe them off this planet Lord just like you did with the Israelites who disobeyed you. (Tongues) Hadihidhaiahahaha Boboboboboboibiiiibibio Sheshshahahdoauhahbebahe
Maria: Keda are you ready to repent now? Are you ready to have us pray for you now?
Fam: Get the oil quick!
Maria: Everyone lay hands one her!
Maria Prays for Keda: Thank you Lord! Thank you sweet love for your oil of deliverance! Dear Jesus Keda has been held down by these female demons for so long! I command you to cast them out of her! Rid her of them! Lord Jesus your word is very clear on this subject! There is no room in your kingdom for sinners who blatantly disregard your truth! Lord sodomy is just flagrant disobedience to your Word, to the truth! Rid her of these evil demons that possess her! Like Dad said you are going to wipe these homosexuals off this planet very soon! So I beg you Lord to cure her! We love Keda so much Lord! We want her in this home, we want her to be able to serve you to her utmost! But she can’t do that Jesus as long as she is possessed with these demons! Please Jesus rid her of them! Do it Lord! Do it now! Hallelujah, hallejuah! Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus. Thank you precious Jesus!
Fam: Amen! Praise you Lord!
Maria: Are you cured now? Have they left you? Do you now feel free now Keda?
Keda: Umm….yes thank you Lord for the power of prayer!
Fam: The Power of Prayer! Prayer works! PTL!
Dad: We love you honey! We have to come on strong! Because there just is no room for the sin of homosexuality!
Fam: Prayer and laying on of hands!
Dad: Amen! Folks God hates homosexuality, amen? Are you harbouring same-sex tendencies folks? Ask the Lord to cure you! God hates homosexuality, he hates flagrant disobedience more than anything else. Sodomy is a sin in the eyes of God. Get prayer, and get delivered! Hallelujah! I love you!
The Toilet Who Wouldn't
The Toilet Who Wouldn’t –An FFing Lesson
A Grandpa story
Sara: David and Techi can you guess what time it is? It’s potty time! Let’s head to the bathrooms, David in the gents room. Ha!
David: What does ‘gents’ mean Auntie Sara?
Sara: It means ‘men’. The gent’s room is the men’s room. The men’s bathroom!
(In the bathroom with Sara and Techi)
Techi: Oh my Auntie Sara I had a very big tinkle, but I’m all finished now.
Sara: Okay Techi lets get rid of those germy germs and wash our hands right away. If we didn’t wash our hands and then touched Daddy’s cup or spoon, we could make him very sick. We wouldn’t want Daddy to get sick would we?
Techi: Oh no!
Sara: Well let’s flush those germs right down the drain then!!
(Techi exits the bathroom)
Sara: Techi WAIT! YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH THE TOILET! What a very big mistake and hygiene risk!
Techi: But Auntie Sara, the toilet won’t flush!
Sara: Oh my goodness gracious! What are we going to do? Dear lord forgive Sue for not double-checking to make sure our ship was operating in tip-top shape this morning. Well I guess we’ll have to ask Daddy and the boys to fix it.
Techi: (In Tears) I’m so sorry Auntie Sara. I tried, and tried but it just won’t flush and I don’t know why.
(Dito Enters bathroom)
Dito: Why is Techi crying Auntie Sara?
Sara: Because the toilet won’t flush. Dito can you be a big boy and run downstairs and call Daddy and James so we can fix it right away?
Dito: Yes ma’am!
(2 minutes later)
Dad: Hi Sara! Hi Techi!
James: Hi girls!
Dad: What seems to be the problem Sara?
Techi: Daddy the toilet won’t flush!
Dad: Oh me oh my! Oh my lord! Oh my goodness gracious! Its almost as if the Devil himself threw a wrench in! David, son, would you run downstairs and get the safety goggles and pliers, we need to fix this right away.
Dito: Yes sir!
(2 minutes later)
Dito: Here Dad, I brought everything you said.
Dad: Thanks son! Did you make sure to hold the railing as you were going up and down the stairs like a good handyman would?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Ah! Here you go James! These safety goggles should fit you perfectly. I’ll slip mine on as well and we’ll get right to work.
Dito: But why do you have to wear safety goggles right now grandpa?
Dad: Every good handyman does son! What if the foundation of the toilet exploded in my face, I could be blinded for life. Would you want your father who loves and cares for u to go around blind?
Dito: No sir!
Sara: Thanks so much for taking the time to do this Dad. It’s such a big help. Poor Techi got pretty worked up about the incident, but now that you’re here she seems to have really calmed down. The other day I actually had to give her a little ‘what-paddy-gave-the-drum’ for forgetting to flush the toilet, but she seems to have really learned her lesson.
Dad: PTL honey you’re an excellent teacher. You know what Techi? This little incident actually reminds me of a story…Sara, would you call Maria up on the intercom and have her bring the Dictaphone please?
Sara: Amen for sure Dad! It’s always great to hear your input.
Dad: Well I’m the King and the servant of one. If I let even one of these golden seeds fall to the ground, my crown would be stripped for not heeding the calling I’ve been given.
James: Wow amen dad!
Sara: Here’s our Queen with a Dictaphone.
Dad: Well hallelujah for Heaven! Every time I see Mama my eyes become misty with tears, seeing her is like a little glimpse of Heaven.
Maria: (Blushing) I love you my BIG papa lion!
Sara: Ha! A little bit of loving!
Dad: Amen glory to god! Will you all be comfortable sitting here in the bathroom? We could all go into the living room, because the talk I’m about to give the whole home should hear! Hell, the whole family should hear it because it’s the King speaking, hallelujah!! James if you don’t mind staying here and fixing the toilet, because I have to go give the home this important talk.
James: Yes sir…(Mumbles) Then I can get some actual tools to fix it, instead of using safety goggles and pliers.
Maria: I’ll get on the interview with Misty and have her let the staff know we’re meeting in the living room right away.
Dad: Thanks honey!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Hallelujah! Here we are again having a much-needed talk. David could you run to the kitchen and request our cook to bring out some lemonade, I really worked up a sweat fixing that toilet upstairs and I’m quite thirsty.
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Now where was I? Ah I actually have a great story about lemonade from my childhood, but I think I may have told you folks that one already. Ha! Mama is the Dictaphone on and ready to record?
Maria: Yes dad! I’ve been recording your golden seeds ever since you called me upstairs.
Dad: Amen that’s wonderful honey! Well just a little while ago Sara called James and me upstairs. It seems that Techi had tinkled during potty time and had tried to flush the toilet, but it wouldn’t flush. Techi got quite worked up about it, because Sara has really instilled good hygiene habits in her, and so she was worried she would get in trouble for not flushing the toilet. And I thought not that’s funny. Our house is always running smoothly. Maybe the Lord is trying to get through to me somehow with this little incident. I thought well everything has been going so good these days, that the Lord is trying to get through to us, reminding us to keep our guards up; And more specifically on the lines of FFing. I’ve really been taking the time to pray about the FFing situation here, and why it hasn’t been as fruitful as when we first started out. I thought I myself “why Lord”? This is Davidito’s homeland; the Guan Chan tribes are here. Why would we be having problems here where the Queen conceived her firstborn? And then as I was standing there with Techi it all came to me, and the Lord shouted it out to me.
Sara: This really goes to prove that verse “out of the mouths of babes and suckling”…
Dad: Amen hallelujah! Just like the toilet wouldn’t flush for Techi, it reminded me of the time good little Susie Baker wouldn’t kiss me. I was just a boy maybe 7 or 8 years old. My mother knew the Bakers from church, and we would often go to their house for tea. And one time little Susie and me were alone in the room. I was a young boy and my hormones were just about exploding every time I was around one of those cute little girls with their tight frocks and frill skirts. And I leaned over and held Susie’s mouth, and tried to plant a big kiss on her cheek. But she got scared! I guess parents in the system just don’t teach their children about freedom in the spirit, and heavenly lovemaking. And little Susie said, “What are you doing? I won’t kiss you. You did a terrible thing, don’t ever do it again or I’ll tell my mother.” Boy Susie scared the hell right out of me! I didn’t want her telling my mother or her mother that I had forcibly tried to kiss her. But lo and behold, I did try again. I went out with Susie and bought her an ice cream, and in return she actually kissed me on the cheek, but I think it was her way of saying thank you. Poor Techi tried, had tried to get the toilet to flush, but it wouldn’t. But when she called in James and me, with a little tweaking, elbow grease, and lots of love and compassion we were able to fix it. Like with Susie, when I forcibly tried to kiss her, she wouldn’t have it. But when I took her out for that ice cream and showed her some real love, she gladly kissed me. And that’s what the Lord was trying to tell me about our FFing ministry here. We can’t try to hard. We can’t almost literally force these little washed out businessmen to receive the love of God through our girls. We have to show them love and compassion first, and then is when we really get deep both spiritually and physically with them. Do you folks understand what I’m getting at here? Do you big teens really get the concept of what I’m trying to tell you?
Fam: Amen! This is a very sobering lesson Dad!
Dad: Hallelujah for heaven! And look, here’s Gem our cook with the fresh lemonade just in time. Thanks honey!
Gem: I made it just for you Dad!
(Kisses and hugs Dad)
Dad: Oh my well that was a long and inspiring talk, another wonderful Mo Letter we can send out to the fields, and the highways and byways. But here I am, praying and asking the Lord what he wants this new fresh wisdom to be called?
Maria: Well maybe it could be called “The Girl who wouldn’t”, because Susie wouldn’t break free to show you love.
Sara: Or maybe it should be called “the toilet who wouldn’t”, because the toilet wouldn’t flush for Techi. But even though the Devil really got in our home and tried to disrupt us and cause discord through that broken toilet, you were still able to get very heavenly and inspired visions and wisdom from it, that can help the FFing ministry here in Tenerife, but also worldwide so thousands more will come to know Him.
Dad: Amen! (Tongues and Weeping) Oh come out, come out ye harvesters for you Father David has spoken. King David has unlocked the doors and opened the barns, and now the sheep and the harvest can be brought in for the Master’s glory. Oh come out all ye with scythes, and reap these fields. Oh lord allow the toilets to keep on flushing until the end. We need them to flush Lord, hallelujah! Hadididbanka Spankadispanka FlushyWushy Hadahadahadahadahada
Maria: Wow Dad those tongues were very strong! One of the seven spirit helpers I have whispered in my ear and said that you were speaking in the Tenerifan dialect of the ancients.
Dad: Amen honey that’s what it was! Is Techi okay now Sara? Has she stopped crying?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: PTL! It’s funny how the Lord somehow uses these little seemingly irrelevant situations to my glory, and just shines through me with some stark, new, radical revelation! I guess we should probably close up shop now, and head back to our important duties.
Fam: Amen, Yes sir!
Dad: Techi honey would you like to lead everyone in prayer?
Techi: Dear Jesus thank you for this time with Grandpa. Please help the toilet to be able to flush so it doesn’t get broken, in Jesus name amen.
Dad: Amen honey! What a powerful prayer!! Are you like the toilet who wouldn’t?? I sure hope not! May God bless and keep you! I love you
Your Roaring Lion
A Grandpa story
Sara: David and Techi can you guess what time it is? It’s potty time! Let’s head to the bathrooms, David in the gents room. Ha!
David: What does ‘gents’ mean Auntie Sara?
Sara: It means ‘men’. The gent’s room is the men’s room. The men’s bathroom!
(In the bathroom with Sara and Techi)
Techi: Oh my Auntie Sara I had a very big tinkle, but I’m all finished now.
Sara: Okay Techi lets get rid of those germy germs and wash our hands right away. If we didn’t wash our hands and then touched Daddy’s cup or spoon, we could make him very sick. We wouldn’t want Daddy to get sick would we?
Techi: Oh no!
Sara: Well let’s flush those germs right down the drain then!!
(Techi exits the bathroom)
Sara: Techi WAIT! YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH THE TOILET! What a very big mistake and hygiene risk!
Techi: But Auntie Sara, the toilet won’t flush!
Sara: Oh my goodness gracious! What are we going to do? Dear lord forgive Sue for not double-checking to make sure our ship was operating in tip-top shape this morning. Well I guess we’ll have to ask Daddy and the boys to fix it.
Techi: (In Tears) I’m so sorry Auntie Sara. I tried, and tried but it just won’t flush and I don’t know why.
(Dito Enters bathroom)
Dito: Why is Techi crying Auntie Sara?
Sara: Because the toilet won’t flush. Dito can you be a big boy and run downstairs and call Daddy and James so we can fix it right away?
Dito: Yes ma’am!
(2 minutes later)
Dad: Hi Sara! Hi Techi!
James: Hi girls!
Dad: What seems to be the problem Sara?
Techi: Daddy the toilet won’t flush!
Dad: Oh me oh my! Oh my lord! Oh my goodness gracious! Its almost as if the Devil himself threw a wrench in! David, son, would you run downstairs and get the safety goggles and pliers, we need to fix this right away.
Dito: Yes sir!
(2 minutes later)
Dito: Here Dad, I brought everything you said.
Dad: Thanks son! Did you make sure to hold the railing as you were going up and down the stairs like a good handyman would?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Ah! Here you go James! These safety goggles should fit you perfectly. I’ll slip mine on as well and we’ll get right to work.
Dito: But why do you have to wear safety goggles right now grandpa?
Dad: Every good handyman does son! What if the foundation of the toilet exploded in my face, I could be blinded for life. Would you want your father who loves and cares for u to go around blind?
Dito: No sir!
Sara: Thanks so much for taking the time to do this Dad. It’s such a big help. Poor Techi got pretty worked up about the incident, but now that you’re here she seems to have really calmed down. The other day I actually had to give her a little ‘what-paddy-gave-the-drum’ for forgetting to flush the toilet, but she seems to have really learned her lesson.
Dad: PTL honey you’re an excellent teacher. You know what Techi? This little incident actually reminds me of a story…Sara, would you call Maria up on the intercom and have her bring the Dictaphone please?
Sara: Amen for sure Dad! It’s always great to hear your input.
Dad: Well I’m the King and the servant of one. If I let even one of these golden seeds fall to the ground, my crown would be stripped for not heeding the calling I’ve been given.
James: Wow amen dad!
Sara: Here’s our Queen with a Dictaphone.
Dad: Well hallelujah for Heaven! Every time I see Mama my eyes become misty with tears, seeing her is like a little glimpse of Heaven.
Maria: (Blushing) I love you my BIG papa lion!
Sara: Ha! A little bit of loving!
Dad: Amen glory to god! Will you all be comfortable sitting here in the bathroom? We could all go into the living room, because the talk I’m about to give the whole home should hear! Hell, the whole family should hear it because it’s the King speaking, hallelujah!! James if you don’t mind staying here and fixing the toilet, because I have to go give the home this important talk.
James: Yes sir…(Mumbles) Then I can get some actual tools to fix it, instead of using safety goggles and pliers.
Maria: I’ll get on the interview with Misty and have her let the staff know we’re meeting in the living room right away.
Dad: Thanks honey!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Hallelujah! Here we are again having a much-needed talk. David could you run to the kitchen and request our cook to bring out some lemonade, I really worked up a sweat fixing that toilet upstairs and I’m quite thirsty.
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Now where was I? Ah I actually have a great story about lemonade from my childhood, but I think I may have told you folks that one already. Ha! Mama is the Dictaphone on and ready to record?
Maria: Yes dad! I’ve been recording your golden seeds ever since you called me upstairs.
Dad: Amen that’s wonderful honey! Well just a little while ago Sara called James and me upstairs. It seems that Techi had tinkled during potty time and had tried to flush the toilet, but it wouldn’t flush. Techi got quite worked up about it, because Sara has really instilled good hygiene habits in her, and so she was worried she would get in trouble for not flushing the toilet. And I thought not that’s funny. Our house is always running smoothly. Maybe the Lord is trying to get through to me somehow with this little incident. I thought well everything has been going so good these days, that the Lord is trying to get through to us, reminding us to keep our guards up; And more specifically on the lines of FFing. I’ve really been taking the time to pray about the FFing situation here, and why it hasn’t been as fruitful as when we first started out. I thought I myself “why Lord”? This is Davidito’s homeland; the Guan Chan tribes are here. Why would we be having problems here where the Queen conceived her firstborn? And then as I was standing there with Techi it all came to me, and the Lord shouted it out to me.
Sara: This really goes to prove that verse “out of the mouths of babes and suckling”…
Dad: Amen hallelujah! Just like the toilet wouldn’t flush for Techi, it reminded me of the time good little Susie Baker wouldn’t kiss me. I was just a boy maybe 7 or 8 years old. My mother knew the Bakers from church, and we would often go to their house for tea. And one time little Susie and me were alone in the room. I was a young boy and my hormones were just about exploding every time I was around one of those cute little girls with their tight frocks and frill skirts. And I leaned over and held Susie’s mouth, and tried to plant a big kiss on her cheek. But she got scared! I guess parents in the system just don’t teach their children about freedom in the spirit, and heavenly lovemaking. And little Susie said, “What are you doing? I won’t kiss you. You did a terrible thing, don’t ever do it again or I’ll tell my mother.” Boy Susie scared the hell right out of me! I didn’t want her telling my mother or her mother that I had forcibly tried to kiss her. But lo and behold, I did try again. I went out with Susie and bought her an ice cream, and in return she actually kissed me on the cheek, but I think it was her way of saying thank you. Poor Techi tried, had tried to get the toilet to flush, but it wouldn’t. But when she called in James and me, with a little tweaking, elbow grease, and lots of love and compassion we were able to fix it. Like with Susie, when I forcibly tried to kiss her, she wouldn’t have it. But when I took her out for that ice cream and showed her some real love, she gladly kissed me. And that’s what the Lord was trying to tell me about our FFing ministry here. We can’t try to hard. We can’t almost literally force these little washed out businessmen to receive the love of God through our girls. We have to show them love and compassion first, and then is when we really get deep both spiritually and physically with them. Do you folks understand what I’m getting at here? Do you big teens really get the concept of what I’m trying to tell you?
Fam: Amen! This is a very sobering lesson Dad!
Dad: Hallelujah for heaven! And look, here’s Gem our cook with the fresh lemonade just in time. Thanks honey!
Gem: I made it just for you Dad!
(Kisses and hugs Dad)
Dad: Oh my well that was a long and inspiring talk, another wonderful Mo Letter we can send out to the fields, and the highways and byways. But here I am, praying and asking the Lord what he wants this new fresh wisdom to be called?
Maria: Well maybe it could be called “The Girl who wouldn’t”, because Susie wouldn’t break free to show you love.
Sara: Or maybe it should be called “the toilet who wouldn’t”, because the toilet wouldn’t flush for Techi. But even though the Devil really got in our home and tried to disrupt us and cause discord through that broken toilet, you were still able to get very heavenly and inspired visions and wisdom from it, that can help the FFing ministry here in Tenerife, but also worldwide so thousands more will come to know Him.
Dad: Amen! (Tongues and Weeping) Oh come out, come out ye harvesters for you Father David has spoken. King David has unlocked the doors and opened the barns, and now the sheep and the harvest can be brought in for the Master’s glory. Oh come out all ye with scythes, and reap these fields. Oh lord allow the toilets to keep on flushing until the end. We need them to flush Lord, hallelujah! Hadididbanka Spankadispanka FlushyWushy Hadahadahadahadahada
Maria: Wow Dad those tongues were very strong! One of the seven spirit helpers I have whispered in my ear and said that you were speaking in the Tenerifan dialect of the ancients.
Dad: Amen honey that’s what it was! Is Techi okay now Sara? Has she stopped crying?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: PTL! It’s funny how the Lord somehow uses these little seemingly irrelevant situations to my glory, and just shines through me with some stark, new, radical revelation! I guess we should probably close up shop now, and head back to our important duties.
Fam: Amen, Yes sir!
Dad: Techi honey would you like to lead everyone in prayer?
Techi: Dear Jesus thank you for this time with Grandpa. Please help the toilet to be able to flush so it doesn’t get broken, in Jesus name amen.
Dad: Amen honey! What a powerful prayer!! Are you like the toilet who wouldn’t?? I sure hope not! May God bless and keep you! I love you
Your Roaring Lion
The Oldie Goldies
Ello and Greetings in the name of Jebus Chryst
here are some of the older MO letters that were posted on the previous blog. There will be new posts soon containing the fresher jewels , gems, words, quotes, letters, vowels, syllables, etc etc that our beloved MO the founder of our cursed sex organization and the inventor of the "spork" so divinely recorded in his self-glorifying series - The Life With Grandpa.
(drum roll - ha)
much love in our precious Sex God ,
Sara, Queen of Childcare (and personal sex-slave to Maria)
here are some of the older MO letters that were posted on the previous blog. There will be new posts soon containing the fresher jewels , gems, words, quotes, letters, vowels, syllables, etc etc that our beloved MO the founder of our cursed sex organization and the inventor of the "spork" so divinely recorded in his self-glorifying series - The Life With Grandpa.
(drum roll - ha)
much love in our precious Sex God ,
Sara, Queen of Childcare (and personal sex-slave to Maria)
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