Glorify MO in the Dance: Get your Scarf on B*tch!
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory! Are you girls ready? Do you have your scarves? I’m going to teach you all how to dance, hallelujah for heaven!
Maria: Yes! We all brought an assortment of coloured scarves just for the occasion!
Dad: Well me oh my! I think, well I just thought wait, it’s just after dinner. Is it possible we could all die from indigestion? But the Lord said to go ahead, ha! I think he wants to see you girls naked, and dancing to glorify me.
Sara: Amen we can’t wait Dad.
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
Sara: There coming Dad, Dora is fixing their tropical outfits upstairs so they’ll be ready for you. Dancing for us big teens, and the little teens too! Ha.
Dad: Oh my Sara! To think you would be so slack and so inconsiderate as to not have when ready by the minute I had specifically ordered. Golly! Now I’ll have to wait for them to get ready and come downstairs, and I’m thinking well I told Sara the time they needed to be ready for me, and the least she could’ve done is had them ready on time.
Maria: Oh my! Bad Sara.
Sara: Lord forgive me and my slackness!
Dad: Well as punishment Sara you will dance for me privately after! Ha. Alf you don’t mind right? Alf doesn’t mind, hell, Maria doesn’t mind either right? Alf I’m stealing your wife tonight, ha!
Sara: Ooh I can’t wait Dad; I’ll gladly serve my punishment!
Alf: Actually Dad I do mi…
Dad: (cuts him off quickly) Aha! Look here’s Dora with the girls. Praise God! Let’s get started girls! Why, if by the end of tonight I haven’t taught you all to dance seductively I’ll resign from my post and throw away this crown. Hell if I can’t teach you how to dance for me I’m not fit to be king.
Fam: Oh my!
Dad: Dora you’re my guinea pig! You’ll help me show these amateurs how to dance.
Dora: I used to dance professionally in clubs!
Maria: Now, now Dora how dare you be so damn proud! Jesus gave you dancing skills, it has nothing to do with your time in the clubs.
Dora: What now?
Maria: Don’t take praise for what the Master hast given you!
Fam: Uhhh….
Dora: (totally confused) I’m so sorry my Queen, I shall from henceforth be humble!
Dad: O-kay then! Come hither Dora. Now everyone follow Dora. First you carefully remove all articles of clothing. That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body.
Fam: HA!
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. (Finishes putting the scarves on Dora and Fam girls finish putting on their “scarf-wear” as well) Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
Fam: Wow Dad you sure did! All our girls look like a breath of heaven!
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
Alf: Whatever you say sir!
(Alf sets up cameras)
Dad: Oh my, you all look so beautiful and right heavenly I hope I can contain my joy, the little man inside! Ha!
Fam: (winks at Dad’s …)
Dad: Now simply twirl around girls, move your hips from side to side. Gyrate, pulsate with God’s energy. Sexual Jesus energy, hallelujah!
(Girls begin “gyrating” all over the room as Alf films)
Dad: Oh my look at Techi and Davida go! Oh my, oh boy! Golly goodness that is so heavenly. Mmmm!
Misty: (Currently too sick to dance) I agree I LOVE watching the girls dance!
Dad: Amen! Ah! Look at Maria! Just look!
Misty: Mmmmm! Mama is SO gorgeous!
Dad: Oh my! Oh no! ALF! ALF! OH! OH! Stop the filming, stop the filming. Oh my, oh no! One of Davida’s scarves has fallen off. Come here Davida; let me readjust that for you.
Davida: But Grandpa, my scarf didn’t fall off!
Sara: Don’t contradict Grandpa hunny!
Fam: Oh no what a rebellious child!
Dad: Come here NOW Davida, before I loose my patience. Your pelvic scarf needs to be adjusted!
(Dad “adjusts” Davida’s scarf)
Dad: ALF! ALF! Where are you? ALF!
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ha! For a minute I didn’t see you hiding behind the camera! We may commence filming Alf, man the camera!
(Filming continues as Dad and Misty openly gawk at the “heavenly dancers”)
A good few hours later…
Dad: Oh my it’s 9:00pm! It’s damn well past everyone’s bedtime. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Heck I sure enjoyed it!
Fam: Yes Dad that was so much fun!
Dad: So did you all learn how to dance? Did I teach you good? Aren’t I a good teacher folks?
Fam: the best!
Dad: Well scarves away and off to bed! And Sara your coming upstairs with me, keep your scarves on hunny! Ah praise be to God, will have to do this again sometime soon. Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? I can teach you. Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
In The King's Tent - Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Introduction
Maria: After a night of heavy drinking and lovemaking in Dad’s tent, he suddenly became filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in strong and yet very strange tongues. I quickly whipped out my handy Dictaphone so that none of our King’s seeds would fall to the ground…
In the King’s Tent--Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane! That’d shut em up pretty quick! Ha! Oh my I feel so infused in the Spirit! When I was making love to Teeny and Corny, I envisioned these very beautiful females, clothed in gypsy-like garb! I almost wonder if the Lord is trying to get through to me? Honey, please pass me another bottle of sherry!
Maria: Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?
Dad: (Roooooooooooooooooar) Do you presume to give the King orders in his own tent? My goodness me!
Maria: (Scared witless) Oh I’m sorry! Here it is Dad!
Dad: Amen, that’s my girl! It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”! Oh! Oh my Lord! Honey do you see that?
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
Maria: Anyways… you saw?
Dad: Ha! I got so angered with James lack of concern and care for you that it almost slipped my time. Hell! I almost forgot. Did you or did you not see that Majestic sight? That Gypsy King. Oh Mama it was so majestic and heavenly. He was sitting right there, and he was clothed in rags and filthy garments. He looked so regal, just like a Gypsy King. Oh my! He’s talking to me, I think he’s trying to speak.
Maria: What is his name? Does he have a name? What’s his name?
Dad: (The following is a translation of the gibberish tongues that flowed like liquid shit out of our King’s mouth) My name is Abrahim. I am a Gypsy. No, I am a Gypsy King. I was killed on the same night of my wedding to my third wife as we fucked like rabbits in our tent. David, David. You are the now the King, you must lead my Gypsy people, the literal scum of the earth. For me David, for I am Abrahim.
(Dad continues this time in English)
Hallelujiah! Halleujiah! Oh my, oh gracious I’m blubbering like an old man. Pass me some tissue Maria. Oh gracious!
Maria: That was such a powerful message, and you were speaking in tongues the whole time.
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
Maria: Honey while you were prophesying in tongues, I could’ve sworn I saw you change forms, you literally morphed into King Abrahim, it’s like for a second you weren’t yourself anymore.
Dad: Damn right! Why the hell would I be able to speak so easily, and so freely in a tongue I have never ever heard if it was me still talking? It was Jesus talking through him, talking through me. Hallelujah! Well folks sorry to cut this tape short, I feel on the verge of passing out. But I’m sure you folks got something out of this heavenly vision, the Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Maria: Amen Dad you’re so talented. Mmm you’re just so inspired, you’re a prophet, and you’re a King.
Dad: You better believe it- ha! Now Maria summon Corny and Teeny back in my tent at once. This Gypsy King’s about to get it on!
...To be continued…?
Maria: After a night of heavy drinking and lovemaking in Dad’s tent, he suddenly became filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in strong and yet very strange tongues. I quickly whipped out my handy Dictaphone so that none of our King’s seeds would fall to the ground…
In the King’s Tent--Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane! That’d shut em up pretty quick! Ha! Oh my I feel so infused in the Spirit! When I was making love to Teeny and Corny, I envisioned these very beautiful females, clothed in gypsy-like garb! I almost wonder if the Lord is trying to get through to me? Honey, please pass me another bottle of sherry!
Maria: Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?
Dad: (Roooooooooooooooooar) Do you presume to give the King orders in his own tent? My goodness me!
Maria: (Scared witless) Oh I’m sorry! Here it is Dad!
Dad: Amen, that’s my girl! It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”! Oh! Oh my Lord! Honey do you see that?
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
Maria: Anyways… you saw?
Dad: Ha! I got so angered with James lack of concern and care for you that it almost slipped my time. Hell! I almost forgot. Did you or did you not see that Majestic sight? That Gypsy King. Oh Mama it was so majestic and heavenly. He was sitting right there, and he was clothed in rags and filthy garments. He looked so regal, just like a Gypsy King. Oh my! He’s talking to me, I think he’s trying to speak.
Maria: What is his name? Does he have a name? What’s his name?
Dad: (The following is a translation of the gibberish tongues that flowed like liquid shit out of our King’s mouth) My name is Abrahim. I am a Gypsy. No, I am a Gypsy King. I was killed on the same night of my wedding to my third wife as we fucked like rabbits in our tent. David, David. You are the now the King, you must lead my Gypsy people, the literal scum of the earth. For me David, for I am Abrahim.
(Dad continues this time in English)
Hallelujiah! Halleujiah! Oh my, oh gracious I’m blubbering like an old man. Pass me some tissue Maria. Oh gracious!
Maria: That was such a powerful message, and you were speaking in tongues the whole time.
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
Maria: Honey while you were prophesying in tongues, I could’ve sworn I saw you change forms, you literally morphed into King Abrahim, it’s like for a second you weren’t yourself anymore.
Dad: Damn right! Why the hell would I be able to speak so easily, and so freely in a tongue I have never ever heard if it was me still talking? It was Jesus talking through him, talking through me. Hallelujah! Well folks sorry to cut this tape short, I feel on the verge of passing out. But I’m sure you folks got something out of this heavenly vision, the Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Maria: Amen Dad you’re so talented. Mmm you’re just so inspired, you’re a prophet, and you’re a King.
Dad: You better believe it- ha! Now Maria summon Corny and Teeny back in my tent at once. This Gypsy King’s about to get it on!
...To be continued…?
drummm roollllllll
And now folks here are some of the newer letters.
Jesus fuck you.
--Sara Queen of Childcare
Jesus fuck you.
--Sara Queen of Childcare
Bye, Bye, Birdie -- Dad's Jewels on Death and Dying
Bye, Bye, Birdie—Dad’s Jewels on Death and Dying
John and Alf: Hi everyone! We’re back with the shopping!
Dito: Oh goodie! U. Alf did you bring me any presents?
Sara: Now David! Oh my! To think you would ask such a question. Alf doesn’t go shopping just for you.
Alf: That’s true David! But, today I did happen to get you a little something. It’s a gift for you and Davida from Grandpa and Mommy.
Dito: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see it!
(Alf reaches down and lifts a big cage onto the table)
Sara: Oh my, what do you think could be in there, kids?
(Loud squawks come from cage)
Sara: Oh my! Oh gracious me, have you kids guessed what’s inside there yet?
Davida: It sounds like birds!
Alf: Yes! Dad thought it would be a wonderful present to the children to get them two beautiful parakeets! He also said it would teach them about responsibility and taking care of things. Do you kids like them?
Dito: Oh boy, oh boy! They’re so pretty!
Sara: Let’s bring the cage down to the nursery.
(A few minutes later)
Sara: Ah it’s perfect. I have the birds set up perfectly kids. There’s a nice high voltage neon bulb in the cage to keep the birdies warm. Then I put some fresh whole-grain oats and yeast, and a healthy honey and ginger drink in their feeders. That way they’ll get all the nutrients they need. I also made sure to cover all the air holes in the cage, so that the birdies don’t catch a cold. Oh look, here’s Grandpa!
Kids: Hi Dad, thanks so much for the birdies!
Dad: Ha! Well I’m glad you like them. I see Sara has got them set up nice and comfortable, just like a little bit of Heaven on earth, hallelujah! You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god dam evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals. Glory to God! I guess it’s just one of the many talents I’ve been blessed with.
Sara: Amen, that’s a wonderful story Dad!
Dito: Daddy, will you please show us then how to talk to the birdies in their speech?
Dad: Sure son! (Begins his bird dialogue) Cheep, cheep, cheep! Coo, chirp, cheep! Cheepity, cheep, chirpy, cheep!
Dito: Oh my! What does that mean?
Dad: It’s means ‘I love you’! Aha! Would you just look at that? The male parakeet is now trying to affectionately peck me! Ha! I guess he got the message! But I’d rather get pecked by the female parakeet! All the women in our homes are in a way just like little birdies. If you speak to them in the language of love they well lovingly peck you! (Begins “pecking at Sara”)
Sara: Mmmmmmm…. Hallelujah for Heaven!
Dito: I like holding the birds.
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
Sara: Yes sir!
(David and Davida begin touching and holding the birds)
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
(The next morning)
Sara: All right kids, you may play with the birds before school starts.
Kids: Oh goodie!
(David pulls the blanket off the birdcage)
Dito: Oh no! Oh my gracious me!
Sara: What, oh what is wrong?
Dito: The birdies are dead.
(David and Davida begin sobbing)
Dad: What in Heaven’s name seems to be the problem?
Dito: Grandpa I think the birds went to birdie Heaven.
Dad: Well how on earth did that happen? Did you kids forget to feed them? Did you forget to cover all the air holes to make sure they didn’t catch a chill in the night? Oh boy I think I’m getting mad now. I bought those birds and I expect you children to have learned responsibility by now. To think I would’ve trusted Sara with teaching the kids!
Sara: Oh my, do forgive me Dad! But we followed the instructions on how to care for birds in the Activity book to the smallest detail. It must be an attack of the Devil.
Dad: Oh my I hadn’t even thought of that. To think I would spend the Lord’s money to buy birds for the kids, and the very next day they mysteriously die makes me wonder. Oh boy! If you kids fed em’ right, and loved em’ right and yet they passed on, there must be something to it. Oh my, me oh my! I suppose that we’ll have to bury these dead birds. Oh boy! It does remind me of that time in the restaurant, where that older man fell into my arms, and slowly passed on to the other side. He was a good fellow, a Christian. He had lived a very healthy and active life. And I thought to myself, I thought, Lord why would you take him away? And the Lord answered so loud and so clear it was like he was in the same room. The Lord said to me, ‘It was his time’! Ha! Would you believe that? It was his time to go on. There was nothing left for him in this life and that’s why the Lord took him. Hallelujah!
Dito: (Sobbing softly) Grandpa do the birdies really go to Heaven?
Dad: Amen! You better believe they do son! I’ve had so many pets in my childhood years, and I know they’re all waiting for me up there. They’ll be part of my welcoming committee, ha! Animals have souls! Every living creature on this earth does, that’s the way the Lord intended it to be. David, would you go ask James for the shovel?
Dito: Yes sir!
(Dad continues his talk)
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. When I was in the army, I near straight out died from pneumonia. It was only when I begged Jesus for another chance that he literally brought me back from the grave, and resurrected me so that I may rule over you folks. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper. It’s just a wonder I’m still here. You folks should literally be praising and thanking God everyday for sparing my life so many thousands of times. Without the power of prayer I’d be dead. I don’t think you folks would last one minute without me! And sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I still alive Lord? Why do you keep saving me? And it came to me clear as a bell! It is not your time! Hallelujah! You better believe I’m here to stay until the Lord calls me home in that final hour, when the skies are red and lowering! Glory be to God! (Sings): Heavenly home, heavenly home…blah, blah, blah…
Dito: Here’s the shovel Grandpa!
Dad: Well Sara, let’s lift this cage and head outside with the kids. We have a burial to attend, a sombre funeral. Lucky I’m wearing my black bathrobe today, its almost like I’m dressed for the occasion. Davida, will you please grab that Bible and bring it along? That way we can read Scriptures to the birds as we return them to dust.
(In the garden)
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
Davida: Oh my!
Dad: Sara will you please begin to dig a hole?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: You kids could go put your angel costumes on that Gem made last week out of the old shower curtains. That way the birdies’ spirits will be able to depart in peace.
Kids: Yes sir!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Oh my! You kids are back already, and just on cue! Sara just finished digging the burial hole.
Sara: (Panting) That’s my workout for today! Ha!
Dad: Now David would you like to lead this little ceremony?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Please open the Bible to the book of Genesis! Aha! (Finds the verse he’s looking for) Okay! Sara, will you carefully wrap the birds in the scented toilet paper please? This reminds me of when they buried Jesus, and cloaked Him in scented oils and fresh linen. A burial fit for a King, hallelujah! Now Sara, carefully place the birds inside the hole, straight down to the bottom. That’s right, atta’ girl! David, will you please read the verse?
Dito: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. From dust thou are to dust thou shalt return.” (Genesis ?:??)
Dad: Now you and Davida can start carefully sprinkling the dust over the birdies, until you’ve covered them right back up. Oh my! Now son, why are you crying?
Dito: Because the birdies are dead!
Dad: That’s enough blubbering David! The birdies have gone on to be with Jesus. The Endtime is just around the corner, so you’ll see them soon enough. Suck up those tears like a brave boy son!
Dito: (Meekly) Yes sir!
Dad: Now let’s see…. where was I? Oh yes I was talking about Jesus and his burial. And I nearly think I’ve said all there is to say! That’s nigh enough talk of death for one day! Oh! I do actually have another story. This very sober situation reminds me of the time that my dog died. My oh my was I furious! I just about sobbed myself to sleep that night. My mother, the saint that she was, offered to pick up another dog from the pound for me but I flat out refused. I didn’t feel that any dog would be good enough to replace the dog that had been my loyal friend for years. But eventually I did get a new dog, and found I could be just as happy with a new pet! I know you kids may be mourning the loss of your birds now, but I’ll be sure to ask Alf to make a bird feeder for you.
Davida: What’s a bird feeder?
Dad: A bird feeder is a handcrafted wooden piece of craftsmanship that you fill with birdseeds and grains. Then you leave it outside, and watch and see all the many different species of birds that will come to feed on it.
Davida: Ooh that sounds wonderful Grandpa!
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha! From dust thou art, to dust we shall all return folks! Death is a wonderful thing, one of God’s many creations. So embrace it folks as you would life, hallelujah!
John and Alf: Hi everyone! We’re back with the shopping!
Dito: Oh goodie! U. Alf did you bring me any presents?
Sara: Now David! Oh my! To think you would ask such a question. Alf doesn’t go shopping just for you.
Alf: That’s true David! But, today I did happen to get you a little something. It’s a gift for you and Davida from Grandpa and Mommy.
Dito: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see it!
(Alf reaches down and lifts a big cage onto the table)
Sara: Oh my, what do you think could be in there, kids?
(Loud squawks come from cage)
Sara: Oh my! Oh gracious me, have you kids guessed what’s inside there yet?
Davida: It sounds like birds!
Alf: Yes! Dad thought it would be a wonderful present to the children to get them two beautiful parakeets! He also said it would teach them about responsibility and taking care of things. Do you kids like them?
Dito: Oh boy, oh boy! They’re so pretty!
Sara: Let’s bring the cage down to the nursery.
(A few minutes later)
Sara: Ah it’s perfect. I have the birds set up perfectly kids. There’s a nice high voltage neon bulb in the cage to keep the birdies warm. Then I put some fresh whole-grain oats and yeast, and a healthy honey and ginger drink in their feeders. That way they’ll get all the nutrients they need. I also made sure to cover all the air holes in the cage, so that the birdies don’t catch a cold. Oh look, here’s Grandpa!
Kids: Hi Dad, thanks so much for the birdies!
Dad: Ha! Well I’m glad you like them. I see Sara has got them set up nice and comfortable, just like a little bit of Heaven on earth, hallelujah! You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god dam evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals. Glory to God! I guess it’s just one of the many talents I’ve been blessed with.
Sara: Amen, that’s a wonderful story Dad!
Dito: Daddy, will you please show us then how to talk to the birdies in their speech?
Dad: Sure son! (Begins his bird dialogue) Cheep, cheep, cheep! Coo, chirp, cheep! Cheepity, cheep, chirpy, cheep!
Dito: Oh my! What does that mean?
Dad: It’s means ‘I love you’! Aha! Would you just look at that? The male parakeet is now trying to affectionately peck me! Ha! I guess he got the message! But I’d rather get pecked by the female parakeet! All the women in our homes are in a way just like little birdies. If you speak to them in the language of love they well lovingly peck you! (Begins “pecking at Sara”)
Sara: Mmmmmmm…. Hallelujah for Heaven!
Dito: I like holding the birds.
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
Sara: Yes sir!
(David and Davida begin touching and holding the birds)
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
(The next morning)
Sara: All right kids, you may play with the birds before school starts.
Kids: Oh goodie!
(David pulls the blanket off the birdcage)
Dito: Oh no! Oh my gracious me!
Sara: What, oh what is wrong?
Dito: The birdies are dead.
(David and Davida begin sobbing)
Dad: What in Heaven’s name seems to be the problem?
Dito: Grandpa I think the birds went to birdie Heaven.
Dad: Well how on earth did that happen? Did you kids forget to feed them? Did you forget to cover all the air holes to make sure they didn’t catch a chill in the night? Oh boy I think I’m getting mad now. I bought those birds and I expect you children to have learned responsibility by now. To think I would’ve trusted Sara with teaching the kids!
Sara: Oh my, do forgive me Dad! But we followed the instructions on how to care for birds in the Activity book to the smallest detail. It must be an attack of the Devil.
Dad: Oh my I hadn’t even thought of that. To think I would spend the Lord’s money to buy birds for the kids, and the very next day they mysteriously die makes me wonder. Oh boy! If you kids fed em’ right, and loved em’ right and yet they passed on, there must be something to it. Oh my, me oh my! I suppose that we’ll have to bury these dead birds. Oh boy! It does remind me of that time in the restaurant, where that older man fell into my arms, and slowly passed on to the other side. He was a good fellow, a Christian. He had lived a very healthy and active life. And I thought to myself, I thought, Lord why would you take him away? And the Lord answered so loud and so clear it was like he was in the same room. The Lord said to me, ‘It was his time’! Ha! Would you believe that? It was his time to go on. There was nothing left for him in this life and that’s why the Lord took him. Hallelujah!
Dito: (Sobbing softly) Grandpa do the birdies really go to Heaven?
Dad: Amen! You better believe they do son! I’ve had so many pets in my childhood years, and I know they’re all waiting for me up there. They’ll be part of my welcoming committee, ha! Animals have souls! Every living creature on this earth does, that’s the way the Lord intended it to be. David, would you go ask James for the shovel?
Dito: Yes sir!
(Dad continues his talk)
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. When I was in the army, I near straight out died from pneumonia. It was only when I begged Jesus for another chance that he literally brought me back from the grave, and resurrected me so that I may rule over you folks. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper. It’s just a wonder I’m still here. You folks should literally be praising and thanking God everyday for sparing my life so many thousands of times. Without the power of prayer I’d be dead. I don’t think you folks would last one minute without me! And sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I still alive Lord? Why do you keep saving me? And it came to me clear as a bell! It is not your time! Hallelujah! You better believe I’m here to stay until the Lord calls me home in that final hour, when the skies are red and lowering! Glory be to God! (Sings): Heavenly home, heavenly home…blah, blah, blah…
Dito: Here’s the shovel Grandpa!
Dad: Well Sara, let’s lift this cage and head outside with the kids. We have a burial to attend, a sombre funeral. Lucky I’m wearing my black bathrobe today, its almost like I’m dressed for the occasion. Davida, will you please grab that Bible and bring it along? That way we can read Scriptures to the birds as we return them to dust.
(In the garden)
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
Davida: Oh my!
Dad: Sara will you please begin to dig a hole?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: You kids could go put your angel costumes on that Gem made last week out of the old shower curtains. That way the birdies’ spirits will be able to depart in peace.
Kids: Yes sir!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Oh my! You kids are back already, and just on cue! Sara just finished digging the burial hole.
Sara: (Panting) That’s my workout for today! Ha!
Dad: Now David would you like to lead this little ceremony?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Please open the Bible to the book of Genesis! Aha! (Finds the verse he’s looking for) Okay! Sara, will you carefully wrap the birds in the scented toilet paper please? This reminds me of when they buried Jesus, and cloaked Him in scented oils and fresh linen. A burial fit for a King, hallelujah! Now Sara, carefully place the birds inside the hole, straight down to the bottom. That’s right, atta’ girl! David, will you please read the verse?
Dito: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. From dust thou are to dust thou shalt return.” (Genesis ?:??)
Dad: Now you and Davida can start carefully sprinkling the dust over the birdies, until you’ve covered them right back up. Oh my! Now son, why are you crying?
Dito: Because the birdies are dead!
Dad: That’s enough blubbering David! The birdies have gone on to be with Jesus. The Endtime is just around the corner, so you’ll see them soon enough. Suck up those tears like a brave boy son!
Dito: (Meekly) Yes sir!
Dad: Now let’s see…. where was I? Oh yes I was talking about Jesus and his burial. And I nearly think I’ve said all there is to say! That’s nigh enough talk of death for one day! Oh! I do actually have another story. This very sober situation reminds me of the time that my dog died. My oh my was I furious! I just about sobbed myself to sleep that night. My mother, the saint that she was, offered to pick up another dog from the pound for me but I flat out refused. I didn’t feel that any dog would be good enough to replace the dog that had been my loyal friend for years. But eventually I did get a new dog, and found I could be just as happy with a new pet! I know you kids may be mourning the loss of your birds now, but I’ll be sure to ask Alf to make a bird feeder for you.
Davida: What’s a bird feeder?
Dad: A bird feeder is a handcrafted wooden piece of craftsmanship that you fill with birdseeds and grains. Then you leave it outside, and watch and see all the many different species of birds that will come to feed on it.
Davida: Ooh that sounds wonderful Grandpa!
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha! From dust thou art, to dust we shall all return folks! Death is a wonderful thing, one of God’s many creations. So embrace it folks as you would life, hallelujah!
Sara's Confessions - PCLOOH
Sara’s Confessions—PCLOOH
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!
Dad: What honey?
Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?
Misty: Yes honey bun!
(5 minutes later)
Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!
Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)
(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)
Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!
Fam: Ha!
Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.
(Sara begins to cry softly)
Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”
Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.
Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.
(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)
Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!
Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?
Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?
Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?
Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!
Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!
(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!
Mad Dad
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!
Dad: What honey?
Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?
Misty: Yes honey bun!
(5 minutes later)
Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!
Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)
(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)
Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!
Fam: Ha!
Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.
(Sara begins to cry softly)
Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”
Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.
Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.
(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)
Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!
Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?
Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?
Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?
Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!
Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!
(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!
Mad Dad
Dito OD's - The Dangers of Household Cleaners
Dito OD’s – The Dangers of Household Cleaners
Sara: Okay kids; I have to go wash the laundry in the stream! You can all have some playtime together while I’m gone, but please don’t go near the fireplace or any of the out-of-reach cabinets.
Kids: Yes Ma’am!
(Sara leaves room)
Dito: I want more juice!
Davida: But mommy already gave us peanut butter for snack.
Dito: Yes but I’m still hungry and thirsty. I was helping Alf and Grandpa fix Misty’s office chair before, and I really ‘worked up a sweat’.
Davida: But mommy said we mustn’t go into the cupboards without her permission.
Dito: Well I’m thirsty! Plus it will be fun.
Davida: Okay if you say so!
Dito: Pass me that chair so I can stand up on it and look in the closets.
(Davida pushes chair over to Dito)
Dito: Oh look! Oh boy! Oh gosh! This bottle says ‘coke’ on it. Sara’s never let us drink coke before, someone from the staff probably drank it.
Davida: But it will rot your teeth David!
Dito: A little coca cola never hurt anyone! You better not tell on me.
(Dito gulps coke down)
Dito: Here have a sip of it Davida; it’s nice and sweet.
Davida: No David, I would never disobey mommy, or Grandpa’s health rules.
(Dito keeps drinking and polishes off the entire bottle)
Dito: Uggh! That actually tasted a bit sick! Not like coca cola at all. (Cough) Now I have a rumbly in my tumbly. I think I’m getting a stomachache.
Davida: Oh no! I told you not to drink that David. Grandpa told me you could die from drinking those poisonous sugary drinks.
Dito: (Reels a bit) Oh my! I feel so sick now. I should never have drunk that. It tasted nice at first, but not like coca cola at all. Uggh! I feel so sick. (Cough, cough) Oh boy I’ve gotta sit down!
Davida: David you are so foolish to do such a bad thing. I’m telling on you.
(David suddenly barfs on floor)
Davida: (Lets out high-pitched scream) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
MOMMY!
(Sara comes running in)
Sara: Oh my golly! What in the world is going on? Davida you have been told never to scream in the King’s house!! I should take you over my knee right now!
Davida: (Bawling hysterically) Mommy, Dito drank the coca cola bottle and now he’s throwing up!
Sara: Oh my god! Dito! DITO! He’s passed out! Oh my goodness! His eyes are rolling back into his head. What do I do, oh what do I do?
Davida: Should I call the staff?
Sara: NO! Don’t do that Davida, get me the vitamin C and honey cough syrup so I can revive him!
Davida: Yes Ma’am.
(Sara begins spooning cough syrup into David’s mouth)
Sara: Oh my, this is a high crisis, life-endangering situation for our Prince.
(All of a sudden Dad and Maria come rushing in)
Dad: WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?
Sara: Dito passed out!
Dad: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! WHAT? HOW IN GOD’S GOOD NAME DID THIS HAPPEN?
Davida: He drank a whole bottle of coca cola!
Dad: My gosh! God damn those unhealthy sugary drinks the system makes. I could start puking right now it makes me so sick. Davida let me see the bottle, NOW!
(Davida hands Dad coca-cola bottle)
Dad: WHAT the… (Rips off paper label) This isn’t coca cola! This is toilet acid!
(Maria screams loudly)
Maria: Oh Lordy Lord! Will Dito live?
Dad: Call the staff in here immediately so we can lay hands on him!
Maria: Yes sir!
Dad: It makes me sick that someone would be so careless as to change a label on a bottle of poison.
Sara: Dad I don’t think Dito’s breathing. Should I call the doctor I flirty-fished?
Dad: Hell no! When have I ever relied on medicine to save a life? My god to think you would be so stupid as to ask me such a ridiculous question! If almost makes me wonder if you even deserve to be in this Family. It’s almost like you have no faith whatsoever to be so bold and brazen as to ask such a stupid and faithless question.
Sara: (Fighting back tears) I’m sorry Dad, please forgive my stupidity!
Maria: The staff is here Dad!
Dad: Well it’s about time. You think you folks would be here instantly when Dito is practically passing on to the other side, but no! You folks have the nerve to lag over here. What’s it been, five minutes since I called for you? My god!
Staff: We’re very sorry Dad!
Dad: Now let me think, oh let me think! What oh what could we use to revive David? Hum…hum…Who knows CPR?
Gabe: I learned basic CPR when I was in the army!
Dad: Well I guess that must’ve been the reason the Lord had you join it then Gabe! God doesn’t make mistakes, and now the 3 years you wasted in the goddamn army will be used for his glory! Hallelujah! Snap to duty son!
Gabe: Yes sir!
(Begins performing CPR on David)
Maria: Gem please go get the cooking oil from the kitchen so we can anoint David and lay hands on him.
Dad: Who in the world changed the label on this bottle?
(Silence)
Dad: Oh my flies are whizzing past my ears and I didn’t hear anyone speak up! WHO OH WHO CHANGED THE LABEL ON THIS BOTTLE?
Alf: (Meekly mumbles) I did sir!
Dad: WHAT? (Roar, Growl, Grrr) Why on earth would you do something so stupid? Are you brain dead son? Do you not realize what a stupid mistake that was? Why the hell would you change the label to say coca-cola? No one in this Family, much less this home is allowed to drink that diabolical poison!
Alf: I did it as a prank on April Fool’s Dad, I’m ever so sorry!
Dad: Sorry doesn’t fix it Alf! My god if I were to keep track of your blunders I’d have written a whole book my now! I’m thinking oh boy, I might as well kick you out of the home right now! I’m thinking to myself, well if Alf wasn’t such a good handyman I’d throw him out of my house right this minute! Do you realize the severity of this situation son?
Alf: Yes sir!
Dad: My god I could throw you out of my house and back into the system if you weren’t such a good handyman! If I didn’t need you to do the little fix-it jobs around the home, I’d throw you out. With your very limited personal and professional skills you wouldn’t even last so much as a day in the system Alf, there’s no love out there. Systemites are not prone to love and forgiveness like I am. Maybe I should throw you out, as a lesson to the whole Family, and believe you me I would! But you’re a good handyman son, that’s why we need you here. Ha!
Maria: You can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater! Ha!
Fam: Ha! Amen!
Gabe: I think Dito’s slowly reviving! Thank god the bottle wasn’t totally full or he might not have made it!
Dad: Hallelujah! (To Dito) How are you feeling son?
(Dito barfs again on the carpet)
Maria: He’s letting it all out.
Dad: Amen! Vomit is one of God’s natural remedies! He created it as a healer, a cleanser to our bodies. In that way if we abuse our bodies we our still able to let it out, if not we would die! Hallelujah!
Sara: We should still lay hands on him!
Dad: Amen! And look! Oh my goodness just look! Gem’s here right on cue with the cooking oil! It’s almost as if the Lord timed it out, so she’d arrive just as we were about to pray!
Maria: A check from the Lord!
Dad: Amen Mama!
(Everyone lays hands on Dito)
Sara Prays: Dear Jesus, thank you for saving Dito! Please forgive Alf for his blunder Lord, we all make mistakes. What matters is that you have saved Dito from the fiery depths of hell, from his near departure into your arms. For this Jesus we thank you! If you had chosen fit to take Dito at this time Lord, he would’ve been ready! But without him we would not have a second Endtime witness, and that’s why you spared Dito. He is one of your Endtime witnesses and we need him here dear Love. Hallelujah! Praise you Lord for your never-ending mercy.
Fam: Amen!
Dad: Oh boy what a close call! My goodness! Now I’m thinking, I’m nearly wracking my brain as to what the Lord wants me to call this whole talk, this whole heavy lesson. And its like for once in my life I’m at a loss for words! Oh my what am I going to do?
Maria: Well it’s almost like Dito OD’ed! Just like when we were all in the System, in the hippie movement. I think that title would really speak out to many of our Family, especially our young teens that have considered dabbling in drugs and substance abuse. It’s like a warning of what could happen!
Dad: Oh my! Mama it’s like the Dalai Lama himself just spoke through you.
Maria: The Dalai Lama?
Dad: Yes! The Buddhist spiritual leader, and founder of the hippie movement in China! Well then that’s what it shall be called. Dito OD’s!
Sara: Well Dad, this horrible mistake also happened because of the label change on the bottle. That’s what caused Dito to drink it. He drank a house cleaner.
Dad: There you have it! If Maria wasn’t the Queen first and foremost I may even consider choosing you as a birdie to sit on my shoulder. Thank you Sara that was a very heavenly revelation. Oh my! So there you have it folks! Dito OD’s, the Danger of Household Cleaners. Let this be a warning!
The Pork Sausage - Alf's Nearly Fatal Mistake
The Pork Sausage-
Alf’s Nearly Fatal Mistake
Alf: Hi everyone, I’m home with the shopping!
Sara: Oh hi honey! So good to have you back! The kids have been waiting for you because they’re so excited to help you put all the groceries away.
Kids: Oh goodie, U. Alf is home!
Alf: Well then lets get unpacking! I got everything that was on the shopping list! Would you kids like to see my handy dandy little shopper’s list, so you know what we got?
Kids: Yes
Alf’s Shopping List:
1. 2 stems of celery
2. Big barrel of honey (for Maria’s tea concoctions)
3. 4 cans of beans
4. 1 kilo of lemons (for lemonade)
5. Eggs (for Dad’s coffee eggnog)
6. Chicken Soup (for Misty who’s sick)
7. Heads of Asparagus
8. Aspirins (for everyone in the home)
9. Al Capone Cigars (for Dad to use as air freshener after potty breaks)
10. 1 Large Pork Sausage
Dito: U. Alf, what’s a pork sausage?
Alf: It’s a large piece of delicious meat. It’s actually made from pigs, kind of like hot dogs actually. I got it for Gem to use in the one-pot meal tonight.
Dito: Okay!
Later on that Evening at the Dinner Table…
Dad: Hallelujah folks! My, me oh my! It’s time to eat once again! Dito, would you be a gentleman and pull out a chair for our Queen? As I always say, little legs are made for light work-ha!
Maria: Smells like Gem’s cooking up yet another one-pot meal.
Dad: Oh boy I can’t wait! It reminds me of when my mother used to cook up these excellent stews when I was only a boy. Ah! There that’s just the way I like to see it. Me at the head of the table, with the Queen on my right hand, and the Prince on my left, and the little Princess next to the Prince. And then the rest of you servants of the Most High gathered around us. Hallelujah for Heaven!!
Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, let them hear! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious! I don’t ever want to see or hear of you putting others at risk because of your own carelessness.
Gem: (Sniffles) Yes Dad I’m very sorry!
(Gem sets pot down on hot pad)
Dad: (Opens lid of the pot) What are we having tonight Gem?
Gem: (Proudly) It’s a one-pot meal Dad, I made it myself!
Dad: Oh boy it smells delicious! What’s in it?
Gem: Beans, celery, some old flour, cornstarch, refried beef, fermented yeast and grains, heads of asparagus, stale potatoes, and a pork sausage.
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!
Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Gem: Alf bought the pork sausage this afternoon for the stew. It wasn’t on the recipe, but he said he had it as a kid and that it really adds flavour and tastes good.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Alf: I’m so sorry Dad! I had pork sausages a lot as a kid and it never made me sick! I thought it would be a nice edition to the meal!
Dad: Who ever asked you son? Mama gives Sara the recipes for the cooks. She always makes sure they’re packed with healthy, wholesome ingredients. What makes you think you have a right to change what our Queen has ordained in this house? Oh boy my face is so red in righteous anger!
Maria: It’s very saddening and sobering to think that Alf would make such a dangerous mistake!
Fam: Amen!
Dad: Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
Alf: No sir!
Maria: What are we going to eat for dinner now?
Dad: Oh boy I hadn’t even thought of that. I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!
Maria: Wow Dad! When I came down for dinner I certainly wasn’t expecting you to have such a powerful and sobering talk!
Dad: Me neither! But the Lord comes through me every single time! Ha. Gem, could you bring out some of the Green Tea with honey flavouring please?
Gem: Yes sir!
Maria: Remember to say ‘hot pot’, or ‘coming through’!
Gem: Yes Ma’am.
Fam: Hallelujah, what an inspiring dinner talk Dad!
Dad: What’d you folks learn from tonight?
Fam: (Munching on food) Never eat pork sausages!
Dad: (Chews) Yes amen!
Sara: And always yell ‘hot pot’ when holding something that is dangerously hot.
Dad: Oh my! Oh my gosh! It almost slipped my mind. I almost forgot to mention that when drinking tea, the only way you can know if it’s cold enough is by holding your pinkie finger in it for about 1 minute. If you can do that without getting burned, it’s safe to drink.
Fam: Amen, good pointer!
Dad: Hallelujah! This dinner turned out to be a wonderful learning experience for all. Is your home serving pork sausages for dinner? Have you been walking around with hot objects? Let me tell you folks end it now. Or else your good ol’ Papa Lion will be there to roar the living daylights out of you. Hallelujah!
Alf’s Nearly Fatal Mistake
Alf: Hi everyone, I’m home with the shopping!
Sara: Oh hi honey! So good to have you back! The kids have been waiting for you because they’re so excited to help you put all the groceries away.
Kids: Oh goodie, U. Alf is home!
Alf: Well then lets get unpacking! I got everything that was on the shopping list! Would you kids like to see my handy dandy little shopper’s list, so you know what we got?
Kids: Yes
Alf’s Shopping List:
1. 2 stems of celery
2. Big barrel of honey (for Maria’s tea concoctions)
3. 4 cans of beans
4. 1 kilo of lemons (for lemonade)
5. Eggs (for Dad’s coffee eggnog)
6. Chicken Soup (for Misty who’s sick)
7. Heads of Asparagus
8. Aspirins (for everyone in the home)
9. Al Capone Cigars (for Dad to use as air freshener after potty breaks)
10. 1 Large Pork Sausage
Dito: U. Alf, what’s a pork sausage?
Alf: It’s a large piece of delicious meat. It’s actually made from pigs, kind of like hot dogs actually. I got it for Gem to use in the one-pot meal tonight.
Dito: Okay!
Later on that Evening at the Dinner Table…
Dad: Hallelujah folks! My, me oh my! It’s time to eat once again! Dito, would you be a gentleman and pull out a chair for our Queen? As I always say, little legs are made for light work-ha!
Maria: Smells like Gem’s cooking up yet another one-pot meal.
Dad: Oh boy I can’t wait! It reminds me of when my mother used to cook up these excellent stews when I was only a boy. Ah! There that’s just the way I like to see it. Me at the head of the table, with the Queen on my right hand, and the Prince on my left, and the little Princess next to the Prince. And then the rest of you servants of the Most High gathered around us. Hallelujah for Heaven!!
Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, let them hear! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious! I don’t ever want to see or hear of you putting others at risk because of your own carelessness.
Gem: (Sniffles) Yes Dad I’m very sorry!
(Gem sets pot down on hot pad)
Dad: (Opens lid of the pot) What are we having tonight Gem?
Gem: (Proudly) It’s a one-pot meal Dad, I made it myself!
Dad: Oh boy it smells delicious! What’s in it?
Gem: Beans, celery, some old flour, cornstarch, refried beef, fermented yeast and grains, heads of asparagus, stale potatoes, and a pork sausage.
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!
Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Gem: Alf bought the pork sausage this afternoon for the stew. It wasn’t on the recipe, but he said he had it as a kid and that it really adds flavour and tastes good.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Alf: I’m so sorry Dad! I had pork sausages a lot as a kid and it never made me sick! I thought it would be a nice edition to the meal!
Dad: Who ever asked you son? Mama gives Sara the recipes for the cooks. She always makes sure they’re packed with healthy, wholesome ingredients. What makes you think you have a right to change what our Queen has ordained in this house? Oh boy my face is so red in righteous anger!
Maria: It’s very saddening and sobering to think that Alf would make such a dangerous mistake!
Fam: Amen!
Dad: Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
Alf: No sir!
Maria: What are we going to eat for dinner now?
Dad: Oh boy I hadn’t even thought of that. I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!
Maria: Wow Dad! When I came down for dinner I certainly wasn’t expecting you to have such a powerful and sobering talk!
Dad: Me neither! But the Lord comes through me every single time! Ha. Gem, could you bring out some of the Green Tea with honey flavouring please?
Gem: Yes sir!
Maria: Remember to say ‘hot pot’, or ‘coming through’!
Gem: Yes Ma’am.
Fam: Hallelujah, what an inspiring dinner talk Dad!
Dad: What’d you folks learn from tonight?
Fam: (Munching on food) Never eat pork sausages!
Dad: (Chews) Yes amen!
Sara: And always yell ‘hot pot’ when holding something that is dangerously hot.
Dad: Oh my! Oh my gosh! It almost slipped my mind. I almost forgot to mention that when drinking tea, the only way you can know if it’s cold enough is by holding your pinkie finger in it for about 1 minute. If you can do that without getting burned, it’s safe to drink.
Fam: Amen, good pointer!
Dad: Hallelujah! This dinner turned out to be a wonderful learning experience for all. Is your home serving pork sausages for dinner? Have you been walking around with hot objects? Let me tell you folks end it now. Or else your good ol’ Papa Lion will be there to roar the living daylights out of you. Hallelujah!
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