Sara: Back when segregation still existed, it was Mo's Birthday, yet again. Maria the man pleasing whore that she was, kindly requested (ordered) Jeremy Spencer to compose a song in tribute to Mo on his day of birth. The following is the lyrics to the song he wrote, it should be sung to the tune of Armageddon in the key of D flat. Happy singing!
In The Lion's Den (Lyrics by Jeremy Spencer)
And I saw the den open, and behold- Hope
And he that sat upon her was called Mo, and Dad
And in horny-ness he doth fuck
And make love. And the nudie cuties encompassed him
In the lion's den (x2)
(Lion's den)
And i saw the den, and the girls that were in
And there g-strings.
(Lion's den)
Gathered together to make love to the man called Daddy
(Lion's den)
And Dad exploded into an or-gas-m
Yes Dad exploded into an or-gas-m
With visions of (x3)
Atlanta!
(guitar riff solo)
But he, has yet to see
(Has yet to see)
Visions of Aphrodites
Yes he, has yet to see
And when he does he will be so happy
In the lion's den (x3)
Lover of Lovers
Fucker of Fuckers
Porn of Porns
Pervert of Perverts
(dum dum dum)
SON OF A BITCH
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Dito Ditty
Sara: It was Dito's Birthday dinner, 1935. MO sat at the head of the table, surrounded by the Queen, Prince, and us lowly servants. MO, overflowing with heavenly poetic inspiration (as is to be expected from someone who is drunk on sherry all day) recited this little poem, which was later published in the Story of Our Children- The Pedophile's Handbook (with artwork by Eman Artist, the humble French painter). However since we had to rip out almost every page in the book during the 50th Annual Book Purge Anniversary, MO insisted I republish the poem so all would come to know the "poetic genius" that is David Berg. So without further adieu... (drum roll)
David ate a banana
David sucked it raw
Suck-age extremis damn fucked up David’s jaw
David is all angry now, he won’t suck ever again
He has a tongue to lick and licking ain’t a sin
David licked a banana
He licked it till it came
Mother saw his cum-face
And made him feel such shame
David got his mouth-washed
The soap stung him with pain
David ate too much soap
Bubbles formed in his brain
David's head exploded and now he has no face
Mother's charged with murder, and I just closed the case.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Glorify MO in the Dance- Get your Scarf on B*tch
Glorify MO in the Dance: Get your Scarf on B*tch!
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory! Are you girls ready? Do you have your scarves? I’m going to teach you all how to dance, hallelujah for heaven!
Maria: Yes! We all brought an assortment of coloured scarves just for the occasion!
Dad: Well me oh my! I think, well I just thought wait, it’s just after dinner. Is it possible we could all die from indigestion? But the Lord said to go ahead, ha! I think he wants to see you girls naked, and dancing to glorify me.
Sara: Amen we can’t wait Dad.
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
Sara: There coming Dad, Dora is fixing their tropical outfits upstairs so they’ll be ready for you. Dancing for us big teens, and the little teens too! Ha.
Dad: Oh my Sara! To think you would be so slack and so inconsiderate as to not have when ready by the minute I had specifically ordered. Golly! Now I’ll have to wait for them to get ready and come downstairs, and I’m thinking well I told Sara the time they needed to be ready for me, and the least she could’ve done is had them ready on time.
Maria: Oh my! Bad Sara.
Sara: Lord forgive me and my slackness!
Dad: Well as punishment Sara you will dance for me privately after! Ha. Alf you don’t mind right? Alf doesn’t mind, hell, Maria doesn’t mind either right? Alf I’m stealing your wife tonight, ha!
Sara: Ooh I can’t wait Dad; I’ll gladly serve my punishment!
Alf: Actually Dad I do mi…
Dad: (cuts him off quickly) Aha! Look here’s Dora with the girls. Praise God! Let’s get started girls! Why, if by the end of tonight I haven’t taught you all to dance seductively I’ll resign from my post and throw away this crown. Hell if I can’t teach you how to dance for me I’m not fit to be king.
Fam: Oh my!
Dad: Dora you’re my guinea pig! You’ll help me show these amateurs how to dance.
Dora: I used to dance professionally in clubs!
Maria: Now, now Dora how dare you be so damn proud! Jesus gave you dancing skills, it has nothing to do with your time in the clubs.
Dora: What now?
Maria: Don’t take praise for what the Master hast given you!
Fam: Uhhh….
Dora: (totally confused) I’m so sorry my Queen, I shall from henceforth be humble!
Dad: O-kay then! Come hither Dora. Now everyone follow Dora. First you carefully remove all articles of clothing. That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body.
Fam: HA!
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. (Finishes putting the scarves on Dora and Fam girls finish putting on their “scarf-wear” as well) Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
Fam: Wow Dad you sure did! All our girls look like a breath of heaven!
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
Alf: Whatever you say sir!
(Alf sets up cameras)
Dad: Oh my, you all look so beautiful and right heavenly I hope I can contain my joy, the little man inside! Ha!
Fam: (winks at Dad’s …)
Dad: Now simply twirl around girls, move your hips from side to side. Gyrate, pulsate with God’s energy. Sexual Jesus energy, hallelujah!
(Girls begin “gyrating” all over the room as Alf films)
Dad: Oh my look at Techi and Davida go! Oh my, oh boy! Golly goodness that is so heavenly. Mmmm!
Misty: (Currently too sick to dance) I agree I LOVE watching the girls dance!
Dad: Amen! Ah! Look at Maria! Just look!
Misty: Mmmmm! Mama is SO gorgeous!
Dad: Oh my! Oh no! ALF! ALF! OH! OH! Stop the filming, stop the filming. Oh my, oh no! One of Davida’s scarves has fallen off. Come here Davida; let me readjust that for you.
Davida: But Grandpa, my scarf didn’t fall off!
Sara: Don’t contradict Grandpa hunny!
Fam: Oh no what a rebellious child!
Dad: Come here NOW Davida, before I loose my patience. Your pelvic scarf needs to be adjusted!
(Dad “adjusts” Davida’s scarf)
Dad: ALF! ALF! Where are you? ALF!
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ha! For a minute I didn’t see you hiding behind the camera! We may commence filming Alf, man the camera!
(Filming continues as Dad and Misty openly gawk at the “heavenly dancers”)
A good few hours later…
Dad: Oh my it’s 9:00pm! It’s damn well past everyone’s bedtime. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Heck I sure enjoyed it!
Fam: Yes Dad that was so much fun!
Dad: So did you all learn how to dance? Did I teach you good? Aren’t I a good teacher folks?
Fam: the best!
Dad: Well scarves away and off to bed! And Sara your coming upstairs with me, keep your scarves on hunny! Ah praise be to God, will have to do this again sometime soon. Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? I can teach you. Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory! Are you girls ready? Do you have your scarves? I’m going to teach you all how to dance, hallelujah for heaven!
Maria: Yes! We all brought an assortment of coloured scarves just for the occasion!
Dad: Well me oh my! I think, well I just thought wait, it’s just after dinner. Is it possible we could all die from indigestion? But the Lord said to go ahead, ha! I think he wants to see you girls naked, and dancing to glorify me.
Sara: Amen we can’t wait Dad.
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
Sara: There coming Dad, Dora is fixing their tropical outfits upstairs so they’ll be ready for you. Dancing for us big teens, and the little teens too! Ha.
Dad: Oh my Sara! To think you would be so slack and so inconsiderate as to not have when ready by the minute I had specifically ordered. Golly! Now I’ll have to wait for them to get ready and come downstairs, and I’m thinking well I told Sara the time they needed to be ready for me, and the least she could’ve done is had them ready on time.
Maria: Oh my! Bad Sara.
Sara: Lord forgive me and my slackness!
Dad: Well as punishment Sara you will dance for me privately after! Ha. Alf you don’t mind right? Alf doesn’t mind, hell, Maria doesn’t mind either right? Alf I’m stealing your wife tonight, ha!
Sara: Ooh I can’t wait Dad; I’ll gladly serve my punishment!
Alf: Actually Dad I do mi…
Dad: (cuts him off quickly) Aha! Look here’s Dora with the girls. Praise God! Let’s get started girls! Why, if by the end of tonight I haven’t taught you all to dance seductively I’ll resign from my post and throw away this crown. Hell if I can’t teach you how to dance for me I’m not fit to be king.
Fam: Oh my!
Dad: Dora you’re my guinea pig! You’ll help me show these amateurs how to dance.
Dora: I used to dance professionally in clubs!
Maria: Now, now Dora how dare you be so damn proud! Jesus gave you dancing skills, it has nothing to do with your time in the clubs.
Dora: What now?
Maria: Don’t take praise for what the Master hast given you!
Fam: Uhhh….
Dora: (totally confused) I’m so sorry my Queen, I shall from henceforth be humble!
Dad: O-kay then! Come hither Dora. Now everyone follow Dora. First you carefully remove all articles of clothing. That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body.
Fam: HA!
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. (Finishes putting the scarves on Dora and Fam girls finish putting on their “scarf-wear” as well) Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
Fam: Wow Dad you sure did! All our girls look like a breath of heaven!
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
Alf: Whatever you say sir!
(Alf sets up cameras)
Dad: Oh my, you all look so beautiful and right heavenly I hope I can contain my joy, the little man inside! Ha!
Fam: (winks at Dad’s …)
Dad: Now simply twirl around girls, move your hips from side to side. Gyrate, pulsate with God’s energy. Sexual Jesus energy, hallelujah!
(Girls begin “gyrating” all over the room as Alf films)
Dad: Oh my look at Techi and Davida go! Oh my, oh boy! Golly goodness that is so heavenly. Mmmm!
Misty: (Currently too sick to dance) I agree I LOVE watching the girls dance!
Dad: Amen! Ah! Look at Maria! Just look!
Misty: Mmmmm! Mama is SO gorgeous!
Dad: Oh my! Oh no! ALF! ALF! OH! OH! Stop the filming, stop the filming. Oh my, oh no! One of Davida’s scarves has fallen off. Come here Davida; let me readjust that for you.
Davida: But Grandpa, my scarf didn’t fall off!
Sara: Don’t contradict Grandpa hunny!
Fam: Oh no what a rebellious child!
Dad: Come here NOW Davida, before I loose my patience. Your pelvic scarf needs to be adjusted!
(Dad “adjusts” Davida’s scarf)
Dad: ALF! ALF! Where are you? ALF!
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ha! For a minute I didn’t see you hiding behind the camera! We may commence filming Alf, man the camera!
(Filming continues as Dad and Misty openly gawk at the “heavenly dancers”)
A good few hours later…
Dad: Oh my it’s 9:00pm! It’s damn well past everyone’s bedtime. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Heck I sure enjoyed it!
Fam: Yes Dad that was so much fun!
Dad: So did you all learn how to dance? Did I teach you good? Aren’t I a good teacher folks?
Fam: the best!
Dad: Well scarves away and off to bed! And Sara your coming upstairs with me, keep your scarves on hunny! Ah praise be to God, will have to do this again sometime soon. Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? I can teach you. Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
In The King's Tent - Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Introduction
Maria: After a night of heavy drinking and lovemaking in Dad’s tent, he suddenly became filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in strong and yet very strange tongues. I quickly whipped out my handy Dictaphone so that none of our King’s seeds would fall to the ground…
In the King’s Tent--Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane! That’d shut em up pretty quick! Ha! Oh my I feel so infused in the Spirit! When I was making love to Teeny and Corny, I envisioned these very beautiful females, clothed in gypsy-like garb! I almost wonder if the Lord is trying to get through to me? Honey, please pass me another bottle of sherry!
Maria: Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?
Dad: (Roooooooooooooooooar) Do you presume to give the King orders in his own tent? My goodness me!
Maria: (Scared witless) Oh I’m sorry! Here it is Dad!
Dad: Amen, that’s my girl! It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”! Oh! Oh my Lord! Honey do you see that?
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
Maria: Anyways… you saw?
Dad: Ha! I got so angered with James lack of concern and care for you that it almost slipped my time. Hell! I almost forgot. Did you or did you not see that Majestic sight? That Gypsy King. Oh Mama it was so majestic and heavenly. He was sitting right there, and he was clothed in rags and filthy garments. He looked so regal, just like a Gypsy King. Oh my! He’s talking to me, I think he’s trying to speak.
Maria: What is his name? Does he have a name? What’s his name?
Dad: (The following is a translation of the gibberish tongues that flowed like liquid shit out of our King’s mouth) My name is Abrahim. I am a Gypsy. No, I am a Gypsy King. I was killed on the same night of my wedding to my third wife as we fucked like rabbits in our tent. David, David. You are the now the King, you must lead my Gypsy people, the literal scum of the earth. For me David, for I am Abrahim.
(Dad continues this time in English)
Hallelujiah! Halleujiah! Oh my, oh gracious I’m blubbering like an old man. Pass me some tissue Maria. Oh gracious!
Maria: That was such a powerful message, and you were speaking in tongues the whole time.
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
Maria: Honey while you were prophesying in tongues, I could’ve sworn I saw you change forms, you literally morphed into King Abrahim, it’s like for a second you weren’t yourself anymore.
Dad: Damn right! Why the hell would I be able to speak so easily, and so freely in a tongue I have never ever heard if it was me still talking? It was Jesus talking through him, talking through me. Hallelujah! Well folks sorry to cut this tape short, I feel on the verge of passing out. But I’m sure you folks got something out of this heavenly vision, the Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Maria: Amen Dad you’re so talented. Mmm you’re just so inspired, you’re a prophet, and you’re a King.
Dad: You better believe it- ha! Now Maria summon Corny and Teeny back in my tent at once. This Gypsy King’s about to get it on!
...To be continued…?
Maria: After a night of heavy drinking and lovemaking in Dad’s tent, he suddenly became filled with the Holy Spirit and began speaking in strong and yet very strange tongues. I quickly whipped out my handy Dictaphone so that none of our King’s seeds would fall to the ground…
In the King’s Tent--Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane! That’d shut em up pretty quick! Ha! Oh my I feel so infused in the Spirit! When I was making love to Teeny and Corny, I envisioned these very beautiful females, clothed in gypsy-like garb! I almost wonder if the Lord is trying to get through to me? Honey, please pass me another bottle of sherry!
Maria: Don’t you think you’ve had enough already?
Dad: (Roooooooooooooooooar) Do you presume to give the King orders in his own tent? My goodness me!
Maria: (Scared witless) Oh I’m sorry! Here it is Dad!
Dad: Amen, that’s my girl! It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”! Oh! Oh my Lord! Honey do you see that?
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
Maria: Anyways… you saw?
Dad: Ha! I got so angered with James lack of concern and care for you that it almost slipped my time. Hell! I almost forgot. Did you or did you not see that Majestic sight? That Gypsy King. Oh Mama it was so majestic and heavenly. He was sitting right there, and he was clothed in rags and filthy garments. He looked so regal, just like a Gypsy King. Oh my! He’s talking to me, I think he’s trying to speak.
Maria: What is his name? Does he have a name? What’s his name?
Dad: (The following is a translation of the gibberish tongues that flowed like liquid shit out of our King’s mouth) My name is Abrahim. I am a Gypsy. No, I am a Gypsy King. I was killed on the same night of my wedding to my third wife as we fucked like rabbits in our tent. David, David. You are the now the King, you must lead my Gypsy people, the literal scum of the earth. For me David, for I am Abrahim.
(Dad continues this time in English)
Hallelujiah! Halleujiah! Oh my, oh gracious I’m blubbering like an old man. Pass me some tissue Maria. Oh gracious!
Maria: That was such a powerful message, and you were speaking in tongues the whole time.
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
Maria: Honey while you were prophesying in tongues, I could’ve sworn I saw you change forms, you literally morphed into King Abrahim, it’s like for a second you weren’t yourself anymore.
Dad: Damn right! Why the hell would I be able to speak so easily, and so freely in a tongue I have never ever heard if it was me still talking? It was Jesus talking through him, talking through me. Hallelujah! Well folks sorry to cut this tape short, I feel on the verge of passing out. But I’m sure you folks got something out of this heavenly vision, the Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Maria: Amen Dad you’re so talented. Mmm you’re just so inspired, you’re a prophet, and you’re a King.
Dad: You better believe it- ha! Now Maria summon Corny and Teeny back in my tent at once. This Gypsy King’s about to get it on!
...To be continued…?
drummm roollllllll
And now folks here are some of the newer letters.
Jesus fuck you.
--Sara Queen of Childcare
Jesus fuck you.
--Sara Queen of Childcare
Bye, Bye, Birdie -- Dad's Jewels on Death and Dying
Bye, Bye, Birdie—Dad’s Jewels on Death and Dying
John and Alf: Hi everyone! We’re back with the shopping!
Dito: Oh goodie! U. Alf did you bring me any presents?
Sara: Now David! Oh my! To think you would ask such a question. Alf doesn’t go shopping just for you.
Alf: That’s true David! But, today I did happen to get you a little something. It’s a gift for you and Davida from Grandpa and Mommy.
Dito: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see it!
(Alf reaches down and lifts a big cage onto the table)
Sara: Oh my, what do you think could be in there, kids?
(Loud squawks come from cage)
Sara: Oh my! Oh gracious me, have you kids guessed what’s inside there yet?
Davida: It sounds like birds!
Alf: Yes! Dad thought it would be a wonderful present to the children to get them two beautiful parakeets! He also said it would teach them about responsibility and taking care of things. Do you kids like them?
Dito: Oh boy, oh boy! They’re so pretty!
Sara: Let’s bring the cage down to the nursery.
(A few minutes later)
Sara: Ah it’s perfect. I have the birds set up perfectly kids. There’s a nice high voltage neon bulb in the cage to keep the birdies warm. Then I put some fresh whole-grain oats and yeast, and a healthy honey and ginger drink in their feeders. That way they’ll get all the nutrients they need. I also made sure to cover all the air holes in the cage, so that the birdies don’t catch a cold. Oh look, here’s Grandpa!
Kids: Hi Dad, thanks so much for the birdies!
Dad: Ha! Well I’m glad you like them. I see Sara has got them set up nice and comfortable, just like a little bit of Heaven on earth, hallelujah! You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god dam evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals. Glory to God! I guess it’s just one of the many talents I’ve been blessed with.
Sara: Amen, that’s a wonderful story Dad!
Dito: Daddy, will you please show us then how to talk to the birdies in their speech?
Dad: Sure son! (Begins his bird dialogue) Cheep, cheep, cheep! Coo, chirp, cheep! Cheepity, cheep, chirpy, cheep!
Dito: Oh my! What does that mean?
Dad: It’s means ‘I love you’! Aha! Would you just look at that? The male parakeet is now trying to affectionately peck me! Ha! I guess he got the message! But I’d rather get pecked by the female parakeet! All the women in our homes are in a way just like little birdies. If you speak to them in the language of love they well lovingly peck you! (Begins “pecking at Sara”)
Sara: Mmmmmmm…. Hallelujah for Heaven!
Dito: I like holding the birds.
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
Sara: Yes sir!
(David and Davida begin touching and holding the birds)
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
(The next morning)
Sara: All right kids, you may play with the birds before school starts.
Kids: Oh goodie!
(David pulls the blanket off the birdcage)
Dito: Oh no! Oh my gracious me!
Sara: What, oh what is wrong?
Dito: The birdies are dead.
(David and Davida begin sobbing)
Dad: What in Heaven’s name seems to be the problem?
Dito: Grandpa I think the birds went to birdie Heaven.
Dad: Well how on earth did that happen? Did you kids forget to feed them? Did you forget to cover all the air holes to make sure they didn’t catch a chill in the night? Oh boy I think I’m getting mad now. I bought those birds and I expect you children to have learned responsibility by now. To think I would’ve trusted Sara with teaching the kids!
Sara: Oh my, do forgive me Dad! But we followed the instructions on how to care for birds in the Activity book to the smallest detail. It must be an attack of the Devil.
Dad: Oh my I hadn’t even thought of that. To think I would spend the Lord’s money to buy birds for the kids, and the very next day they mysteriously die makes me wonder. Oh boy! If you kids fed em’ right, and loved em’ right and yet they passed on, there must be something to it. Oh my, me oh my! I suppose that we’ll have to bury these dead birds. Oh boy! It does remind me of that time in the restaurant, where that older man fell into my arms, and slowly passed on to the other side. He was a good fellow, a Christian. He had lived a very healthy and active life. And I thought to myself, I thought, Lord why would you take him away? And the Lord answered so loud and so clear it was like he was in the same room. The Lord said to me, ‘It was his time’! Ha! Would you believe that? It was his time to go on. There was nothing left for him in this life and that’s why the Lord took him. Hallelujah!
Dito: (Sobbing softly) Grandpa do the birdies really go to Heaven?
Dad: Amen! You better believe they do son! I’ve had so many pets in my childhood years, and I know they’re all waiting for me up there. They’ll be part of my welcoming committee, ha! Animals have souls! Every living creature on this earth does, that’s the way the Lord intended it to be. David, would you go ask James for the shovel?
Dito: Yes sir!
(Dad continues his talk)
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. When I was in the army, I near straight out died from pneumonia. It was only when I begged Jesus for another chance that he literally brought me back from the grave, and resurrected me so that I may rule over you folks. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper. It’s just a wonder I’m still here. You folks should literally be praising and thanking God everyday for sparing my life so many thousands of times. Without the power of prayer I’d be dead. I don’t think you folks would last one minute without me! And sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I still alive Lord? Why do you keep saving me? And it came to me clear as a bell! It is not your time! Hallelujah! You better believe I’m here to stay until the Lord calls me home in that final hour, when the skies are red and lowering! Glory be to God! (Sings): Heavenly home, heavenly home…blah, blah, blah…
Dito: Here’s the shovel Grandpa!
Dad: Well Sara, let’s lift this cage and head outside with the kids. We have a burial to attend, a sombre funeral. Lucky I’m wearing my black bathrobe today, its almost like I’m dressed for the occasion. Davida, will you please grab that Bible and bring it along? That way we can read Scriptures to the birds as we return them to dust.
(In the garden)
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
Davida: Oh my!
Dad: Sara will you please begin to dig a hole?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: You kids could go put your angel costumes on that Gem made last week out of the old shower curtains. That way the birdies’ spirits will be able to depart in peace.
Kids: Yes sir!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Oh my! You kids are back already, and just on cue! Sara just finished digging the burial hole.
Sara: (Panting) That’s my workout for today! Ha!
Dad: Now David would you like to lead this little ceremony?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Please open the Bible to the book of Genesis! Aha! (Finds the verse he’s looking for) Okay! Sara, will you carefully wrap the birds in the scented toilet paper please? This reminds me of when they buried Jesus, and cloaked Him in scented oils and fresh linen. A burial fit for a King, hallelujah! Now Sara, carefully place the birds inside the hole, straight down to the bottom. That’s right, atta’ girl! David, will you please read the verse?
Dito: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. From dust thou are to dust thou shalt return.” (Genesis ?:??)
Dad: Now you and Davida can start carefully sprinkling the dust over the birdies, until you’ve covered them right back up. Oh my! Now son, why are you crying?
Dito: Because the birdies are dead!
Dad: That’s enough blubbering David! The birdies have gone on to be with Jesus. The Endtime is just around the corner, so you’ll see them soon enough. Suck up those tears like a brave boy son!
Dito: (Meekly) Yes sir!
Dad: Now let’s see…. where was I? Oh yes I was talking about Jesus and his burial. And I nearly think I’ve said all there is to say! That’s nigh enough talk of death for one day! Oh! I do actually have another story. This very sober situation reminds me of the time that my dog died. My oh my was I furious! I just about sobbed myself to sleep that night. My mother, the saint that she was, offered to pick up another dog from the pound for me but I flat out refused. I didn’t feel that any dog would be good enough to replace the dog that had been my loyal friend for years. But eventually I did get a new dog, and found I could be just as happy with a new pet! I know you kids may be mourning the loss of your birds now, but I’ll be sure to ask Alf to make a bird feeder for you.
Davida: What’s a bird feeder?
Dad: A bird feeder is a handcrafted wooden piece of craftsmanship that you fill with birdseeds and grains. Then you leave it outside, and watch and see all the many different species of birds that will come to feed on it.
Davida: Ooh that sounds wonderful Grandpa!
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha! From dust thou art, to dust we shall all return folks! Death is a wonderful thing, one of God’s many creations. So embrace it folks as you would life, hallelujah!
John and Alf: Hi everyone! We’re back with the shopping!
Dito: Oh goodie! U. Alf did you bring me any presents?
Sara: Now David! Oh my! To think you would ask such a question. Alf doesn’t go shopping just for you.
Alf: That’s true David! But, today I did happen to get you a little something. It’s a gift for you and Davida from Grandpa and Mommy.
Dito: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see it!
(Alf reaches down and lifts a big cage onto the table)
Sara: Oh my, what do you think could be in there, kids?
(Loud squawks come from cage)
Sara: Oh my! Oh gracious me, have you kids guessed what’s inside there yet?
Davida: It sounds like birds!
Alf: Yes! Dad thought it would be a wonderful present to the children to get them two beautiful parakeets! He also said it would teach them about responsibility and taking care of things. Do you kids like them?
Dito: Oh boy, oh boy! They’re so pretty!
Sara: Let’s bring the cage down to the nursery.
(A few minutes later)
Sara: Ah it’s perfect. I have the birds set up perfectly kids. There’s a nice high voltage neon bulb in the cage to keep the birdies warm. Then I put some fresh whole-grain oats and yeast, and a healthy honey and ginger drink in their feeders. That way they’ll get all the nutrients they need. I also made sure to cover all the air holes in the cage, so that the birdies don’t catch a cold. Oh look, here’s Grandpa!
Kids: Hi Dad, thanks so much for the birdies!
Dad: Ha! Well I’m glad you like them. I see Sara has got them set up nice and comfortable, just like a little bit of Heaven on earth, hallelujah! You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god dam evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals. Glory to God! I guess it’s just one of the many talents I’ve been blessed with.
Sara: Amen, that’s a wonderful story Dad!
Dito: Daddy, will you please show us then how to talk to the birdies in their speech?
Dad: Sure son! (Begins his bird dialogue) Cheep, cheep, cheep! Coo, chirp, cheep! Cheepity, cheep, chirpy, cheep!
Dito: Oh my! What does that mean?
Dad: It’s means ‘I love you’! Aha! Would you just look at that? The male parakeet is now trying to affectionately peck me! Ha! I guess he got the message! But I’d rather get pecked by the female parakeet! All the women in our homes are in a way just like little birdies. If you speak to them in the language of love they well lovingly peck you! (Begins “pecking at Sara”)
Sara: Mmmmmmm…. Hallelujah for Heaven!
Dito: I like holding the birds.
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
Sara: Yes sir!
(David and Davida begin touching and holding the birds)
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
(The next morning)
Sara: All right kids, you may play with the birds before school starts.
Kids: Oh goodie!
(David pulls the blanket off the birdcage)
Dito: Oh no! Oh my gracious me!
Sara: What, oh what is wrong?
Dito: The birdies are dead.
(David and Davida begin sobbing)
Dad: What in Heaven’s name seems to be the problem?
Dito: Grandpa I think the birds went to birdie Heaven.
Dad: Well how on earth did that happen? Did you kids forget to feed them? Did you forget to cover all the air holes to make sure they didn’t catch a chill in the night? Oh boy I think I’m getting mad now. I bought those birds and I expect you children to have learned responsibility by now. To think I would’ve trusted Sara with teaching the kids!
Sara: Oh my, do forgive me Dad! But we followed the instructions on how to care for birds in the Activity book to the smallest detail. It must be an attack of the Devil.
Dad: Oh my I hadn’t even thought of that. To think I would spend the Lord’s money to buy birds for the kids, and the very next day they mysteriously die makes me wonder. Oh boy! If you kids fed em’ right, and loved em’ right and yet they passed on, there must be something to it. Oh my, me oh my! I suppose that we’ll have to bury these dead birds. Oh boy! It does remind me of that time in the restaurant, where that older man fell into my arms, and slowly passed on to the other side. He was a good fellow, a Christian. He had lived a very healthy and active life. And I thought to myself, I thought, Lord why would you take him away? And the Lord answered so loud and so clear it was like he was in the same room. The Lord said to me, ‘It was his time’! Ha! Would you believe that? It was his time to go on. There was nothing left for him in this life and that’s why the Lord took him. Hallelujah!
Dito: (Sobbing softly) Grandpa do the birdies really go to Heaven?
Dad: Amen! You better believe they do son! I’ve had so many pets in my childhood years, and I know they’re all waiting for me up there. They’ll be part of my welcoming committee, ha! Animals have souls! Every living creature on this earth does, that’s the way the Lord intended it to be. David, would you go ask James for the shovel?
Dito: Yes sir!
(Dad continues his talk)
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. When I was in the army, I near straight out died from pneumonia. It was only when I begged Jesus for another chance that he literally brought me back from the grave, and resurrected me so that I may rule over you folks. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper. It’s just a wonder I’m still here. You folks should literally be praising and thanking God everyday for sparing my life so many thousands of times. Without the power of prayer I’d be dead. I don’t think you folks would last one minute without me! And sometimes I wonder, why? Why am I still alive Lord? Why do you keep saving me? And it came to me clear as a bell! It is not your time! Hallelujah! You better believe I’m here to stay until the Lord calls me home in that final hour, when the skies are red and lowering! Glory be to God! (Sings): Heavenly home, heavenly home…blah, blah, blah…
Dito: Here’s the shovel Grandpa!
Dad: Well Sara, let’s lift this cage and head outside with the kids. We have a burial to attend, a sombre funeral. Lucky I’m wearing my black bathrobe today, its almost like I’m dressed for the occasion. Davida, will you please grab that Bible and bring it along? That way we can read Scriptures to the birds as we return them to dust.
(In the garden)
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
Davida: Oh my!
Dad: Sara will you please begin to dig a hole?
Sara: Yes sir!
Dad: You kids could go put your angel costumes on that Gem made last week out of the old shower curtains. That way the birdies’ spirits will be able to depart in peace.
Kids: Yes sir!
(5 minutes later)
Dad: Oh my! You kids are back already, and just on cue! Sara just finished digging the burial hole.
Sara: (Panting) That’s my workout for today! Ha!
Dad: Now David would you like to lead this little ceremony?
Dito: Yes sir!
Dad: Please open the Bible to the book of Genesis! Aha! (Finds the verse he’s looking for) Okay! Sara, will you carefully wrap the birds in the scented toilet paper please? This reminds me of when they buried Jesus, and cloaked Him in scented oils and fresh linen. A burial fit for a King, hallelujah! Now Sara, carefully place the birds inside the hole, straight down to the bottom. That’s right, atta’ girl! David, will you please read the verse?
Dito: “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. From dust thou are to dust thou shalt return.” (Genesis ?:??)
Dad: Now you and Davida can start carefully sprinkling the dust over the birdies, until you’ve covered them right back up. Oh my! Now son, why are you crying?
Dito: Because the birdies are dead!
Dad: That’s enough blubbering David! The birdies have gone on to be with Jesus. The Endtime is just around the corner, so you’ll see them soon enough. Suck up those tears like a brave boy son!
Dito: (Meekly) Yes sir!
Dad: Now let’s see…. where was I? Oh yes I was talking about Jesus and his burial. And I nearly think I’ve said all there is to say! That’s nigh enough talk of death for one day! Oh! I do actually have another story. This very sober situation reminds me of the time that my dog died. My oh my was I furious! I just about sobbed myself to sleep that night. My mother, the saint that she was, offered to pick up another dog from the pound for me but I flat out refused. I didn’t feel that any dog would be good enough to replace the dog that had been my loyal friend for years. But eventually I did get a new dog, and found I could be just as happy with a new pet! I know you kids may be mourning the loss of your birds now, but I’ll be sure to ask Alf to make a bird feeder for you.
Davida: What’s a bird feeder?
Dad: A bird feeder is a handcrafted wooden piece of craftsmanship that you fill with birdseeds and grains. Then you leave it outside, and watch and see all the many different species of birds that will come to feed on it.
Davida: Ooh that sounds wonderful Grandpa!
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha! From dust thou art, to dust we shall all return folks! Death is a wonderful thing, one of God’s many creations. So embrace it folks as you would life, hallelujah!
Sara's Confessions - PCLOOH
Sara’s Confessions—PCLOOH
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!
Dad: What honey?
Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?
Misty: Yes honey bun!
(5 minutes later)
Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!
Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)
(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)
Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!
Fam: Ha!
Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.
(Sara begins to cry softly)
Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”
Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.
Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.
(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)
Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!
Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?
Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?
Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?
Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!
Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!
(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!
Mad Dad
(Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: Hallelujah for Heaven folks! It’s our weekly confessions night! Boy oh boy, I can hardly wait to hear what you folks have to say. Ha! Where’s the hat with everyone’s names in it? We have to choose a name! Mama honey, maybe you could do the honours!
Maria: I’d be more than happy to Dad! (Fumbles around in hat) Aha! I pulled out a name! Oh my!
Dad: What honey?
Maria: My eyes are so sore I can’t read the name on the paper! Misty sweetie would you fetch me my glasses please?
Misty: Yes honey bun!
(5 minutes later)
Misty: Here are your glasses Mama!
Maria: Oh thanks so much sweet pea! I know I can always count on you! (Hugs Misty)
(Maria puts her humongous glasses on)
Maria: Oh my! I do believe this paper I’m holding here in my hand has Sara’s name on it! Who could’ve ever guessed? Ha!
Fam: Ha!
Dad: Well Sara it looks like it’s your turn! Your turn to confess, to come clean, to lay your sins at the altar. Every dog has its day after all-ha! Well, begin! Be honest Sara, let’s hear the sins you’ve committed so that we may pray to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you.
(Sara begins to cry softly)
Dad: That’s it honey, let it out. Let the tears of redemption flow. Hallelujah! (Sings) “Who can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Who can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Oh precious is that flow, that makes me white as snow…”
Sara: Oh my, I just don’t know where to start! I’ve committed so many blunders these last few weeks.
Dad: Honey, we recognize the fact that you’re obviously a very big sinner. You’re not a Saint like your good ol’ Papa Lion. But you’re here to confess, to tell us your sins so that we may beg Jesus to forgive you, and make you white once more.
(Sara begins bawling uncontrollably)
Maria: That’s it honey, let it out!
Sara: (Chokes back tears) Well… I guess one of the many blunders I made was when I was out flirty fishing last week with John and Sue. I finally got upstairs alone with the lonely businessman I had my eye on. When it finally came time to do it, I just couldn’t. I had Alf on my mind, and I guess that really just distracted me from the job I was meant to do. When it came time for us to do it, I faked it entirely. I just didn’t feel right. But alas, I still got him saved.
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
Maria: Oh no, is it something you ate?
Dad: NO! To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Sara: (Sobbing Uncontrollably) That’s not the only blunder I’ve made Dad! You know when David OD’ed on the toilet acid last week? In a way it was actually my fault. I left the kids to play alone while I went down to the stream to wash the clothes.
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God dam it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad. Is that all your sins? Have you told us everything now?
Maria: Somehow I don’t get the feeling that Sara is being completely honest with us. Are you being honest Sara?
Sara: (Meekly) Yes ma’am!
Dad: Well good it’s final then! Sara has made two almost unforgivable blunders! It’s time to cast those demons out of her, to lay hands on her!
(Dad Prays) Dear Jesus, thank you for this time of confession with Sara! Thank you that she was willing to pour her heart out to the home in all honesty! I command you Lord to cast the demons of sin out of her. Make her whole again Lord, forgive her of her unforgivable sins and cleanse her Lord. Thank you that we do not have to stone or spank her to force the sins out of her. Hallelujah! Well folks that concludes yet another week of confessions! Sara has come clean, but the next time her road to recovery may not be so easy, and her sins may be multiplied ten fold. Keep her safe from sins, from the road to perdition! Hallelujah! Repent of your sins folks, or you may be next!
Mad Dad
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