~~Dad on Bowel Movements, Hitler, and Toilet Paper
Sara: We all sat in the livingroom as Mo gave an important talk...
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Sunday, February 22, 2009
In Honor of the Anniversary of our Beloved King’s Birthday (Feb 18th lest you forgot), a compilation of Jewels
and Gems that just reak of Mo's infinite wisdom (Note by Terry Typist: Some of the paragraphs have been shortened or edited for your reading pleasure)
with love in our wonderful husband --Sara Queen of Childcare
The Toilet Who Wouldn’t
Dito: But why do you have to wear safety goggles right now grandpa?
Dad: Every good handyman does son! What if the foundation of the toilet exploded in my face, I could be blinded for life. Would you want your father who loves and cares for u to go around blind?
Dad: Amen glory to god! Will you all be comfortable sitting here in the bathroom? We could all go into the living room, because the talk I’m about to give the whole home should hear! Hell, the whole family should hear it because it’s the King speaking, hallelujah!! James if you don’t mind staying here and fixing the toilet, because I have to go give the home this important talk…
Dad: Hallelujah! Here we are again having a much-needed talk. David could you run to the kitchen and request our cook to bring out some lemonade, I really worked up a sweat fixing that toilet upstairs and I’m quite thirsty.
God Hates Homosexuals
Dad: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Strong Heavy Tongues and Weeping) Oh that ye would come out, I command you to come out! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! O that ye would be straight!
Amen. My god to think we would have a lesbian in our own home. Sodomy just makes me sick folks; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. God hates sodomy and sodomites, he destroyed all of em’ folks and He’ll do it again one of these days. Keda are you ready to repent of your sins? Are you really repentant in your heart?
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant. It’s almost like I can see the demons of homosexuality through the very rebellious spirit she is manifesting.
Dad: Oh my! Oh me oh my! Oh my Lord! Oh my goodness! Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy! If we can’t cast these out of her there is just no hope left. (Growl, ROAR) KEDA ARE YOU READY TO REPENT??
Keda: Yes Dad!
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant to me!
Dad: Well she better be! I’ll spank her just like I did Mene if that’s what it takes, if that’s the only way she’ll be repentant. Keda I better see you crying out to the Lord, or I’ll take you over my knee right now. I’ll spank the sodomy out of you if I have to! If that’s what it takes.
The Flow of a Prince
Dad: To think my own son would have a problem with bedwetting makes me wonder. Oh my goodness! Bedwetting is not just something that happens folks; it’s a direct attack on the Enemy of our children. Bedwetting is an attack of the Devil.
These children have been emanating a very bad vibe trying to get Dito in on their Devilish tricks, it almost makes me sick.Playing their sick disgusting mind games with Dito, my goodness gracious! Boy oh boy it makes me fighting mad! When I saw that boy from the other home last week at a staff meeting, he had almost an evil twinkle in his eyes, like he knew exactly what kind of psychological damage he was causing Dito. Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick.
Sara: I thought it was natural for children to have bedwetting problems!
Dad: Oh my! Oh my, me oh my! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness gracious! Oh my Lord! WAKE UP TO THE SPIRITUAL WARFARE SARA!
Maria: To think we would trust Sara with taking care of Dito when she doesn’t even realize what’s going on in the spirit here!
…
Maria: The demon of urine?
Dad: Yes! He attacks our children!
Maria: Children in the Family?
Dad: (rolls eyes at Maria's stupidity) Yes OUR children!
Maria: Is he a principality or a power?
Dad: He seems to be one of the demons that are very low in rank. He has no underlings! He is the demon Urineathon!
Maria: Urineathon?
Dad: YES!
Maria: The demon of urine?
The Pork Sausage
Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether or not you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, LET THEM HEAR! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious!…
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!
Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
…
Dad: I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!
Dito OD’s – The Dangers of Household Cleaners
Dad: When have I ever relied on medicine to save a life? My god to think you would be so stupid as to ask me such a ridiculous question! It almost makes me wonder if you even deserve to be in this Family. It’s almost like you have no faith whatsoever to be so bold and brazen as to ask such a stupid and faithless question.
Dad: You think you folks would be here instantly when Dito is practically passing on to the other side, but no! You folks have the nerve to lag over here. What’s it been, five minutes since I called for you? My god!
Dad: Who in the world changed the label on this bottle?
(Silence)
Dad: Oh my flies are whizzing past my ears and I didn’t hear anyone speak up! WHO OH WHO CHANGED THE LABEL ON THIS BOTTLE?
…
Dad: Are you brain dead son? Do you not realize what a stupid mistake that was? Why the hell would you change the label to say coca-cola? No one in this Family, much less this home is allowed to drink that diabolical poison!
Alf: I did it as a prank on April Fool’s Dad, I’m ever so sorry!
Dad: April's Fools? No one in this home, much less this Family is allowed to celebrate that Satanic day of cunning devlish tricks! My god if I were to keep track of your blunders I’d have written a whole book my now! I’m thinking oh boy, I might as well kick you out of the home right now! I’m thinking to myself, well if Alf wasn’t such a good handyman I’d throw him out of my house right this minute! Do you realize the severity of this situation son?
Alf: Yes sir!
Dad: My god I could throw you out of my house and back into the system if you weren’t such a good handyman! If I didn’t need you to do the little fix-it jobs around the home, I’d throw you out. With your very limited personal and professional skills you wouldn’t even last so much as a day in the system Alf. Systemites are not prone to love and forgiveness like I am. Maybe I should throw you out, as a lesson to the whole Family, and believe you me I would! But you’re a good handyman son, that’s why we need you here. Ha!
Maria: You can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater! Ha!
Dad: Vomit is one of God’s natural remedies! He created it as a healer, a cleanser to our bodies. In that way if we abuse our bodies we our still able to let it out, if not we would die! Hallelujah!
…
Dad: Oh my! Mama it’s like the Dalai Lama himself just spoke through you.
Maria: The Dalai Lama?
Dad: Yes! The Buddhist spiritual leader, and founder of the hippie movement in China!
Sara’s Confessions - PCLOOH (Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God damn it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad!
Bye, Bye, Birdie – Dad’s Jewels on Death and Dying
Dad: You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god damn evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals.
…
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
…
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
…
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper.
…
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
…
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha!
In The King’s Tent – Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane!
…
Dad: It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”!
…
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
…
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
…
Dad: The Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Glorify Mo in the Dance – Get Your Scarf on B*tch
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory!
…
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
…
Dad: That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body!
…
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
…
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
…
Dad: Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Mo's Random Rabbles On Mexician Prostitution Rings and the Fatalities of Eating Seafood
Mo: I was talking to little Pablito who lives across the street about the near well world-war 3 that Che Guevara and his band of drugged out child soldiers are starting. I said , Pablito, why can't the Mexicans live in peace? Che Guevara is practically the Fidel Castro of Mexico. Che Guevara is the devil's incarnate. Mexicans are already on their way to hell and he is only making their cup of iniquities fuller! I was trying to get a really strong witness across to Pablito while at the same time keeping my package underwrap because my damn bathrobe kept on revealing it every time I so much as uncrossed my legs.
…
Mo: Oh golly the Mexican prostitution rings! I tried so hard to explain my side and my views to Pablito but he wouldn't listen. But now I get it! Those sickening Americans smuggling little white girls here over the border and putting them in the Mexican prostitution rings. I damn well can't even walk through our own neighborhood without some little Mexican hooker offering me sex for pay. Hell, those Mexican hookers will take whatever they can get for having sex. Whether it be food, or cooking utensils, even just a warm place to stay. These Mexicans are so damn poor! I asked myself why? And again, the Lord whispered strongly in my ear, "It is because of Che Guevara".
…
Mo: My oh my I damn well dare you to try and force this bottle out of my hand, I just dare you! I'll explode, why I think I'd nigh well have a heart attack if you tried such an insolent move. DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH?
…
Mo: Lobster was practically created by the Devil himself. Why, I feel I could almost shit myself right now! I'm thinking, oh, well oh well, my oh my should I request that one of you folks, well to be specific Alf fetch me a diaper? I feel I can't control myself from self-shitting. I think I have food-poisoning.
…
Mo: Did you know that Lobsters feed off the ocean's shit? The same goes for crabs, shrimp, squid, the whole lot of the bunch…They swim around literally feasting off any shit they can get there hands on. And then the little Chinese restaurants have the nerve to make delicacies out of them in their podunk kitchens, and serve them to the population. Its a wonder the Chinese haven't practically wiped off the world with their restaurants of death!
…
Mo: Alf, Alf, I'm gonna sit here and pretend I didn't just hear what you said. Oh boy I'm just going to play pretend right now and pretend I didn't hear you contradict me and practically insinuate that I'm a liar in front of the whole Family. I'm going to pretend, so you better just sit there and be quiet now Alf or I swear I'm going to have a FIT!
…
Mo: I just hope that little Pablito understood the message I was trying to get across. I hope too that he stops cheating on his wife with the little Mexican hookers, Lord knows they probably have every STD known to man. Mexican prostitution rings are almost worse than organized crime. They're just despicable! HAbababa dadidooo fabihabeeybeh hahahdahabrabha !!!
Fam: A sudden outburst of tongues, an outpouring of the Spirit!
Maria: A heavenly outburst, an outpouring of nonsensical seeds through our King!
Mo: Are you a Mexican prostitute? If so pray to Jesus and get your filthy cunt saved, hell he forgave Mary Magdalene and she was a raging whore… God will hold you responsible for disobeying his health laws and for causing the food-poisoning of thousands through your Asian restaurants of death.
and Gems that just reak of Mo's infinite wisdom (Note by Terry Typist: Some of the paragraphs have been shortened or edited for your reading pleasure)
with love in our wonderful husband --Sara Queen of Childcare
The Toilet Who Wouldn’t
Dito: But why do you have to wear safety goggles right now grandpa?
Dad: Every good handyman does son! What if the foundation of the toilet exploded in my face, I could be blinded for life. Would you want your father who loves and cares for u to go around blind?
Dad: Amen glory to god! Will you all be comfortable sitting here in the bathroom? We could all go into the living room, because the talk I’m about to give the whole home should hear! Hell, the whole family should hear it because it’s the King speaking, hallelujah!! James if you don’t mind staying here and fixing the toilet, because I have to go give the home this important talk…
Dad: Hallelujah! Here we are again having a much-needed talk. David could you run to the kitchen and request our cook to bring out some lemonade, I really worked up a sweat fixing that toilet upstairs and I’m quite thirsty.
God Hates Homosexuals
Dad: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Strong Heavy Tongues and Weeping) Oh that ye would come out, I command you to come out! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! O that ye would be straight!
Amen. My god to think we would have a lesbian in our own home. Sodomy just makes me sick folks; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. God hates sodomy and sodomites, he destroyed all of em’ folks and He’ll do it again one of these days. Keda are you ready to repent of your sins? Are you really repentant in your heart?
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant. It’s almost like I can see the demons of homosexuality through the very rebellious spirit she is manifesting.
Dad: Oh my! Oh me oh my! Oh my Lord! Oh my goodness! Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy! If we can’t cast these out of her there is just no hope left. (Growl, ROAR) KEDA ARE YOU READY TO REPENT??
Keda: Yes Dad!
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant to me!
Dad: Well she better be! I’ll spank her just like I did Mene if that’s what it takes, if that’s the only way she’ll be repentant. Keda I better see you crying out to the Lord, or I’ll take you over my knee right now. I’ll spank the sodomy out of you if I have to! If that’s what it takes.
The Flow of a Prince
Dad: To think my own son would have a problem with bedwetting makes me wonder. Oh my goodness! Bedwetting is not just something that happens folks; it’s a direct attack on the Enemy of our children. Bedwetting is an attack of the Devil.
These children have been emanating a very bad vibe trying to get Dito in on their Devilish tricks, it almost makes me sick.Playing their sick disgusting mind games with Dito, my goodness gracious! Boy oh boy it makes me fighting mad! When I saw that boy from the other home last week at a staff meeting, he had almost an evil twinkle in his eyes, like he knew exactly what kind of psychological damage he was causing Dito. Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick.
Sara: I thought it was natural for children to have bedwetting problems!
Dad: Oh my! Oh my, me oh my! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness gracious! Oh my Lord! WAKE UP TO THE SPIRITUAL WARFARE SARA!
Maria: To think we would trust Sara with taking care of Dito when she doesn’t even realize what’s going on in the spirit here!
…
Maria: The demon of urine?
Dad: Yes! He attacks our children!
Maria: Children in the Family?
Dad: (rolls eyes at Maria's stupidity) Yes OUR children!
Maria: Is he a principality or a power?
Dad: He seems to be one of the demons that are very low in rank. He has no underlings! He is the demon Urineathon!
Maria: Urineathon?
Dad: YES!
Maria: The demon of urine?
The Pork Sausage
Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether or not you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, LET THEM HEAR! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious!…
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!
Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
…
Dad: I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!
Dito OD’s – The Dangers of Household Cleaners
Dad: When have I ever relied on medicine to save a life? My god to think you would be so stupid as to ask me such a ridiculous question! It almost makes me wonder if you even deserve to be in this Family. It’s almost like you have no faith whatsoever to be so bold and brazen as to ask such a stupid and faithless question.
Dad: You think you folks would be here instantly when Dito is practically passing on to the other side, but no! You folks have the nerve to lag over here. What’s it been, five minutes since I called for you? My god!
Dad: Who in the world changed the label on this bottle?
(Silence)
Dad: Oh my flies are whizzing past my ears and I didn’t hear anyone speak up! WHO OH WHO CHANGED THE LABEL ON THIS BOTTLE?
…
Dad: Are you brain dead son? Do you not realize what a stupid mistake that was? Why the hell would you change the label to say coca-cola? No one in this Family, much less this home is allowed to drink that diabolical poison!
Alf: I did it as a prank on April Fool’s Dad, I’m ever so sorry!
Dad: April's Fools? No one in this home, much less this Family is allowed to celebrate that Satanic day of cunning devlish tricks! My god if I were to keep track of your blunders I’d have written a whole book my now! I’m thinking oh boy, I might as well kick you out of the home right now! I’m thinking to myself, well if Alf wasn’t such a good handyman I’d throw him out of my house right this minute! Do you realize the severity of this situation son?
Alf: Yes sir!
Dad: My god I could throw you out of my house and back into the system if you weren’t such a good handyman! If I didn’t need you to do the little fix-it jobs around the home, I’d throw you out. With your very limited personal and professional skills you wouldn’t even last so much as a day in the system Alf. Systemites are not prone to love and forgiveness like I am. Maybe I should throw you out, as a lesson to the whole Family, and believe you me I would! But you’re a good handyman son, that’s why we need you here. Ha!
Maria: You can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater! Ha!
Dad: Vomit is one of God’s natural remedies! He created it as a healer, a cleanser to our bodies. In that way if we abuse our bodies we our still able to let it out, if not we would die! Hallelujah!
…
Dad: Oh my! Mama it’s like the Dalai Lama himself just spoke through you.
Maria: The Dalai Lama?
Dad: Yes! The Buddhist spiritual leader, and founder of the hippie movement in China!
Sara’s Confessions - PCLOOH (Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)
Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!
Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God damn it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad!
Bye, Bye, Birdie – Dad’s Jewels on Death and Dying
Dad: You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god damn evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals.
…
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
…
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!
…
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper.
…
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
…
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha!
In The King’s Tent – Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy
Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane!
…
Dad: It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”!
…
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.
…
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
…
Dad: The Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.
Glorify Mo in the Dance – Get Your Scarf on B*tch
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory!
…
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
…
Dad: That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body!
…
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
…
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
…
Dad: Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Mo's Random Rabbles On Mexician Prostitution Rings and the Fatalities of Eating Seafood
Mo: I was talking to little Pablito who lives across the street about the near well world-war 3 that Che Guevara and his band of drugged out child soldiers are starting. I said , Pablito, why can't the Mexicans live in peace? Che Guevara is practically the Fidel Castro of Mexico. Che Guevara is the devil's incarnate. Mexicans are already on their way to hell and he is only making their cup of iniquities fuller! I was trying to get a really strong witness across to Pablito while at the same time keeping my package underwrap because my damn bathrobe kept on revealing it every time I so much as uncrossed my legs.
…
Mo: Oh golly the Mexican prostitution rings! I tried so hard to explain my side and my views to Pablito but he wouldn't listen. But now I get it! Those sickening Americans smuggling little white girls here over the border and putting them in the Mexican prostitution rings. I damn well can't even walk through our own neighborhood without some little Mexican hooker offering me sex for pay. Hell, those Mexican hookers will take whatever they can get for having sex. Whether it be food, or cooking utensils, even just a warm place to stay. These Mexicans are so damn poor! I asked myself why? And again, the Lord whispered strongly in my ear, "It is because of Che Guevara".
…
Mo: My oh my I damn well dare you to try and force this bottle out of my hand, I just dare you! I'll explode, why I think I'd nigh well have a heart attack if you tried such an insolent move. DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH?
…
Mo: Lobster was practically created by the Devil himself. Why, I feel I could almost shit myself right now! I'm thinking, oh, well oh well, my oh my should I request that one of you folks, well to be specific Alf fetch me a diaper? I feel I can't control myself from self-shitting. I think I have food-poisoning.
…
Mo: Did you know that Lobsters feed off the ocean's shit? The same goes for crabs, shrimp, squid, the whole lot of the bunch…They swim around literally feasting off any shit they can get there hands on. And then the little Chinese restaurants have the nerve to make delicacies out of them in their podunk kitchens, and serve them to the population. Its a wonder the Chinese haven't practically wiped off the world with their restaurants of death!
…
Mo: Alf, Alf, I'm gonna sit here and pretend I didn't just hear what you said. Oh boy I'm just going to play pretend right now and pretend I didn't hear you contradict me and practically insinuate that I'm a liar in front of the whole Family. I'm going to pretend, so you better just sit there and be quiet now Alf or I swear I'm going to have a FIT!
…
Mo: I just hope that little Pablito understood the message I was trying to get across. I hope too that he stops cheating on his wife with the little Mexican hookers, Lord knows they probably have every STD known to man. Mexican prostitution rings are almost worse than organized crime. They're just despicable! HAbababa dadidooo fabihabeeybeh hahahdahabrabha !!!
Fam: A sudden outburst of tongues, an outpouring of the Spirit!
Maria: A heavenly outburst, an outpouring of nonsensical seeds through our King!
Mo: Are you a Mexican prostitute? If so pray to Jesus and get your filthy cunt saved, hell he forgave Mary Magdalene and she was a raging whore… God will hold you responsible for disobeying his health laws and for causing the food-poisoning of thousands through your Asian restaurants of death.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Dad on Nelson Mandela and the AIDS epidemic
(Sara: Moments after we had gathered for our evening meal...)
Maria: I have HIV!
Mo: WHAT? OH MY GOD HONEY!
Maria: (Sobbing hysterically) Ivan Ivetchko the Russian Mob boss I was FFing in the hopes that he would end Communism in Russia gave it to me. I had no idea he was infected.
Mo: Oh growl well that just makes me sick. By golly I can't even mention the word "aids" lest, oh lest, vomit should come projectiling out of my mouth. The word itself is enough to make me projectile vomit. And you know why? Do you folks know who started the Aids epidemic? It was planned out, a highly crafted and top-secret conspiracy...
Fam: Dr. Frankenstein?
Maria: Dr. Evil?
Mo: ROAR! My Lord its like I'm surrounded by idiots. And to think that you all would dare to question me without raising your hands and asking for permission to speak first.
Maria: (raises her hand) Dr.Evil?
Mo: Maria shut up before I smack the stupidity out of you. Don't make me Maria, don't make me smack you silly the way I smacked Deborah for being so damn tight, and out-right refusing to obey my orders. Don't you make me do it to you Maria.
Maria: (fearfully) I'm sorry Daddy.
Mo: Good! Now! Oh my where was I? Ha, got a little side-tracked there.
Fam: Ha!
Mo: Oh my yes! Who started the Aids epidemic... I had all you folks tricked into thinking it was started by some mad scientist, some evil doctor. But no it was Nelson Mandela, the devil himself who started aids. My god he just got so sick and tired of being held in that damn jail cell because of the racist and anti-christ worshipping white supremacists that ruled over Africa. He got so damn tired, and sick and fed up that he thought. Oh boy did he think. And when he was done thinking he had a plan; To start a disease so deadly that it would wipe out the whites as payback for all the trouble they had caused the blacks. He practically experimented in his 2 by 2 foot jail cell until he had invented AIDS.
Fam: Oh by golly!
Maria: (Still sobbing) But I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I have HIV , won't I die?
Mo: Nonsense! You have at least ten years to live, oh glory!
Sara: If it's any consolation Mama, Al-Sherraz from the Israeli Secret Service gave me a yeast infection when we made love while Dad supervised us at the Hookers Hotel and Diner. It was worth it though because I got him saved, and he promised to keep the war in Palestine going for us so we could have more enemies to pray against (the Israelies).
Maria: Shut up Sara I wasn't speaking to you!
Mo: Now Maria you shut up. I swear you shut your mouth. You make me sick sometimes Honey. Oh boy Maria, you and your damn Aids, you take your HIV vagina and you two just walk over there to that corner. You just walk there right now and stick your nose into the wall, you just shove your hawk nose smack dab into that corner Maria. And you damn well stay there till I say your time-out is over. Maria, I just dare you to try and weasel your way out of receiving a full time-out, I just dare you. I SWEAR I'LL HAVE A FIT!!!
Maria: (Traumatised) Yes sir!
(Her and her vagina walk to the corner for time-out)
Mo: My god! Aids is sick folks. But you know the blacks are paying for it to. Oh Nelson Mandela didn't think his plan out carefully enough. He didn't realize AIDS would become such a huge epidemic, and that more blacks would get infected than whites. Now there are aids-infested niggers practically running rampant all over the world, it makes me sick. Nelson Mandela is a fraud, a phony. He deserved every last day in that jail cell he got, oh boy he deserved that and more.
Fam: I thought Nelson Mandela helped in the civil rights movement in South Africa?
Mo: Well if that's not the biggest lie I've ever heard! Why some of the questions that come flying out of your (Fam's) mouth makes me wonder what kind of stupid and idiotic acid-hippies I chose for my army. It makes me wonder if all the trials and tribualtions I went throught to start this damn Family was even well worth it. Ugh!
Maria: Is my time-out over Dad?
Mo: Yes I think you've suffered enough, and if you haven't yet you will soon. Oh golly I feel I would almost pray to Jesus for the swift death of Ivan Ivetchko. But he did us alot of good, a pracitcal favour if you will, he literally ended Communism, destroyed it, stomped it into the rotting grounds of Russia so that all could come to know Christ. I'm thinking, well I could pray against him, but he did so much good for the Family by turning Russia and the podunk Soviet nations into Christian communites. I'm just sitting here thinking, well Lord, should I request that you kill him? Perhaps make him die of Aids like Maria will? And then it came to me. Ivan is infected, he infected Maria after all, he's dying anyways. Hallelujah, glory be to god!
(Maria returns to the dinner table, humbled)
Mo: And for God's sakes Mama take off Misty's ginormous glasses. Those things are so strong and so big, they are damn well the cause of your current blindness.
Maria: Sorry dad, Eman Artist was sketching me for the pubs artwork... and you know how I'm always depicted- half blind.
Mo: Well take them off! My god I can't even take you seriously when you have four eyes glaring back at me. The sight is enough to make ME blind Maria.
Maria: Yes sir!
(Takes off glasses and puts them on Misty's face while at the same time her hands "slip" and touch Misty's va-jay-jay)
Misty: Mmmm!
Mo: Well I hate to cut this talk short but I have to be off on the King's business. At least now your pee-wee brains have some comprehension of why AIDs began and who caused it. I hope you all damn well appreciate me taking time to step off my throne and go down to your level so that you may share of my vast knowledge. I just hope you folks appreciate it!
Fam: We do! Ha
Mo: Well glory be, glory be bum bum de doo
Maria: So that's it then? I'll be dead in ten years?
Mo: Oh stop your griping Maria! You've probably already infected Misty so at least there's someone for you to have sex with still! Oh you best be happy!
Misty: I'M INFECTED TOO?
Mo: So that's all the time we have. Watch out for Aids, it just might getcha!
Mo sings off key before the tape runs out:
" Who can wash away my Aids? Nothing but the jizz of Je-sus!
Who can make me clean a-gain? Nothing but the jizz of Je-sus!
Oh leng-thy is his flow, I made him go and go!
Now, I am clean and whole! Thanks to the jizz of Je-sus!"
-- Mad Dad.
Maria: I have HIV!
Mo: WHAT? OH MY GOD HONEY!
Maria: (Sobbing hysterically) Ivan Ivetchko the Russian Mob boss I was FFing in the hopes that he would end Communism in Russia gave it to me. I had no idea he was infected.
Mo: Oh growl well that just makes me sick. By golly I can't even mention the word "aids" lest, oh lest, vomit should come projectiling out of my mouth. The word itself is enough to make me projectile vomit. And you know why? Do you folks know who started the Aids epidemic? It was planned out, a highly crafted and top-secret conspiracy...
Fam: Dr. Frankenstein?
Maria: Dr. Evil?
Mo: ROAR! My Lord its like I'm surrounded by idiots. And to think that you all would dare to question me without raising your hands and asking for permission to speak first.
Maria: (raises her hand) Dr.Evil?
Mo: Maria shut up before I smack the stupidity out of you. Don't make me Maria, don't make me smack you silly the way I smacked Deborah for being so damn tight, and out-right refusing to obey my orders. Don't you make me do it to you Maria.
Maria: (fearfully) I'm sorry Daddy.
Mo: Good! Now! Oh my where was I? Ha, got a little side-tracked there.
Fam: Ha!
Mo: Oh my yes! Who started the Aids epidemic... I had all you folks tricked into thinking it was started by some mad scientist, some evil doctor. But no it was Nelson Mandela, the devil himself who started aids. My god he just got so sick and tired of being held in that damn jail cell because of the racist and anti-christ worshipping white supremacists that ruled over Africa. He got so damn tired, and sick and fed up that he thought. Oh boy did he think. And when he was done thinking he had a plan; To start a disease so deadly that it would wipe out the whites as payback for all the trouble they had caused the blacks. He practically experimented in his 2 by 2 foot jail cell until he had invented AIDS.
Fam: Oh by golly!
Maria: (Still sobbing) But I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I have HIV , won't I die?
Mo: Nonsense! You have at least ten years to live, oh glory!
Sara: If it's any consolation Mama, Al-Sherraz from the Israeli Secret Service gave me a yeast infection when we made love while Dad supervised us at the Hookers Hotel and Diner. It was worth it though because I got him saved, and he promised to keep the war in Palestine going for us so we could have more enemies to pray against (the Israelies).
Maria: Shut up Sara I wasn't speaking to you!
Mo: Now Maria you shut up. I swear you shut your mouth. You make me sick sometimes Honey. Oh boy Maria, you and your damn Aids, you take your HIV vagina and you two just walk over there to that corner. You just walk there right now and stick your nose into the wall, you just shove your hawk nose smack dab into that corner Maria. And you damn well stay there till I say your time-out is over. Maria, I just dare you to try and weasel your way out of receiving a full time-out, I just dare you. I SWEAR I'LL HAVE A FIT!!!
Maria: (Traumatised) Yes sir!
(Her and her vagina walk to the corner for time-out)
Mo: My god! Aids is sick folks. But you know the blacks are paying for it to. Oh Nelson Mandela didn't think his plan out carefully enough. He didn't realize AIDS would become such a huge epidemic, and that more blacks would get infected than whites. Now there are aids-infested niggers practically running rampant all over the world, it makes me sick. Nelson Mandela is a fraud, a phony. He deserved every last day in that jail cell he got, oh boy he deserved that and more.
Fam: I thought Nelson Mandela helped in the civil rights movement in South Africa?
Mo: Well if that's not the biggest lie I've ever heard! Why some of the questions that come flying out of your (Fam's) mouth makes me wonder what kind of stupid and idiotic acid-hippies I chose for my army. It makes me wonder if all the trials and tribualtions I went throught to start this damn Family was even well worth it. Ugh!
Maria: Is my time-out over Dad?
Mo: Yes I think you've suffered enough, and if you haven't yet you will soon. Oh golly I feel I would almost pray to Jesus for the swift death of Ivan Ivetchko. But he did us alot of good, a pracitcal favour if you will, he literally ended Communism, destroyed it, stomped it into the rotting grounds of Russia so that all could come to know Christ. I'm thinking, well I could pray against him, but he did so much good for the Family by turning Russia and the podunk Soviet nations into Christian communites. I'm just sitting here thinking, well Lord, should I request that you kill him? Perhaps make him die of Aids like Maria will? And then it came to me. Ivan is infected, he infected Maria after all, he's dying anyways. Hallelujah, glory be to god!
(Maria returns to the dinner table, humbled)
Mo: And for God's sakes Mama take off Misty's ginormous glasses. Those things are so strong and so big, they are damn well the cause of your current blindness.
Maria: Sorry dad, Eman Artist was sketching me for the pubs artwork... and you know how I'm always depicted- half blind.
Mo: Well take them off! My god I can't even take you seriously when you have four eyes glaring back at me. The sight is enough to make ME blind Maria.
Maria: Yes sir!
(Takes off glasses and puts them on Misty's face while at the same time her hands "slip" and touch Misty's va-jay-jay)
Misty: Mmmm!
Mo: Well I hate to cut this talk short but I have to be off on the King's business. At least now your pee-wee brains have some comprehension of why AIDs began and who caused it. I hope you all damn well appreciate me taking time to step off my throne and go down to your level so that you may share of my vast knowledge. I just hope you folks appreciate it!
Fam: We do! Ha
Mo: Well glory be, glory be bum bum de doo
Maria: So that's it then? I'll be dead in ten years?
Mo: Oh stop your griping Maria! You've probably already infected Misty so at least there's someone for you to have sex with still! Oh you best be happy!
Misty: I'M INFECTED TOO?
Mo: So that's all the time we have. Watch out for Aids, it just might getcha!
Mo sings off key before the tape runs out:
" Who can wash away my Aids? Nothing but the jizz of Je-sus!
Who can make me clean a-gain? Nothing but the jizz of Je-sus!
Oh leng-thy is his flow, I made him go and go!
Now, I am clean and whole! Thanks to the jizz of Je-sus!"
-- Mad Dad.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Mo's Random Rabbles On Mexician Prostitution Rings and the Fatalities of Eating Seafood
Sara Queen of Childcare: After dinner and dishes were done, we all sat down on the fresh-from-the-neighbor's-garbage couch set that PTL dear James had stumbled across on his afternoon walk and lugged back to the home. Mo seemed very livid, even though that was not an unusual occurrence we all became very somber, and whipped out our dictaphones, preparing for another rousing drunken ramble from our beloved King.
Mo: Oh my ! Well today i nearly flipped out! I was talking to little Pablito who lives across the street about the near well world-war 3 that Che Guevara and his band of drugged out child soldiers are starting. I said , Pablito, why can't the Mexicans live in peace? Che Guevara is practically the Fidel Castro of Mexico. Che Guevara is the devil's incarnate. Mexicans are already on their way to hell and he is only making their cup of iniquities fuller! I was trying to get a really strong witness across to Pablito while at the same time keeping my package underwrap because my damn bathrobe kept on revealing it every time I so much as uncrossed my legs.
Fam: Ha!
Maria: I think the problems in Mexico started with the prostitution rings. The Americans were secretly starting white slave trade over here, and bootlegging, and in return they allowed the Mexicans to control their own country.
Fam: Um Mama I don't think that's quite right...
Maria: (Completely befuddled) Dad?
Mo: Oh golly the Mexican prostitution rings! It's like Jesus just spoke right through you honey. I tried so hard to explain my side and my views to Pablito but he wouldn't listen. But now I get it! Those sickening Americans smuggling little white girls here over the border and putting them in the Mexican prostitution rings. I damn well can't even walk through our own neighborhood without some little Mexican hooker offering me sex for pay. Hell, those Mexican hookers will take whatever they can get for having sex. Whether it be food, or cooking utensils, even just a warm place to stay. These Mexicans are so damn poor! I asked myself why? And again, the Lord whispered strongly in my ear, "It is because of Che Guevara".
Fam: (Mumbling) I think someone should take the bottle away from Dad now...
Mo: THE HELL! My oh my I damn well dare you to try and force this bottle out of my hand, I just dare you! I'll explode, why I think I'd nigh well have a heart attack if you tried such an insolent move. DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH?
Fam: (Puzzled and Trembling) Sorry Dad, we beg of your forgiveness for daring to suggest something so ignorant...
Mo: Well There you go! My, my stomach is growling! It reminds me of the time my parents damn forced me to eat seafood, lobster was practically created by the Devil himself. Why, I feel I could almost shit myself right now! I'm thinking, oh, well oh well, my oh my should I request that one of you folks, well to be specific Alf fetch me a diaper? I feel I can't control myself from self-shitting. I think I have food-poisoning.
Maria: Maybe It's another attack of the evil Sphinx? That demon of the East is trying to kill you with a stomach bug!
Mo: Of course it's the Sphinx! Why its as if that demon has a personal vendetta against me! He practically wants to kill me and won't rest until he does!
Fam: Oh my golly!
Mo: Which brings me back to seafood. Did you know that Lobsters feed off the ocean's shit? The same goes for crabs, shrimp, squid, the whole lot of the bunch. They're not safe to eat. They're the ocean's garbagemen. They swim around literally feasting off any shit they can get there hands on. And then the little Chinese restaurants have the nerve to make delicacies out of them in their podunk kitchens, and serve them to the population. Its a wonder the Chinese haven't practically wiped off the world with their restaurants of death!
Alf: I used to eat seafood quite a bit in my travels in China and Japan and I don't remember ever getting sick...
Mo: Alf, Alf, I'm gonna sit here and pretend I didn't just hear what you said. Oh boy I'm just going to play pretend right now and pretend I didn't hear you contradict me and practically insinuate that I'm a liar in front of the whole Family. I'm going to pretend, so you better just sit there and be quiet now Alf or I swear I'm going to have a FIT!
Alf: Yes sir!
Mo: Why I'm thinking Gem's hands must've slipped and thrown lobster in the one pot meal instead of fish. Fish is the only healthy seafood because its natural, and not filled to overflowing with sea garbage. I'm so hellbent on thinking I'm right, because the only time I've ever felt like shitting myself before was when my parents took me to a family banquet affair. Oh golly the buffet table was just crawling with lobster. I didn't know any better and I ate it. Why the men and women's washrooms were packed with people throwing up and shitting all over the place before the night was done. It was straight out of a horror movie. Ha!
Fam: ha!
Mo: Well Folks our time is almost up! But I want you all to pray extra hard against Che Guevara tonight. I'm thinking if that punk continues to cause trouble here we may have to flee yet again. Run out to the highways and byways where we can be safe and free. I feel bad for the Mexican hookers. Those poor girls feel like they have no choice, they sell their bodies and for what in return? Emptiness. Not like our own girls who do it with the knowledge that they are saving the poor lonely souls of the businessmen they fuck, winning the world through prostitution! Hallelujah! The stars on some of our girls crowns will be infinite. Amen?
Fam: PTL! Amen!
Mo: I just hope that little Pablito understood the message I was trying to get across. I hope too that he stops cheating on his wife with the little Mexican hookers, Lord knows they probably have every STD known to man. Mexican prostitution rings are almost worse than organized crime. They're just despicable! So Lord save they're souls! PTL! HAbababa dadidooo fabihabeeybeh hahahdahabrabha !!!
Fam: A sudden outburst of tongues, an outpouring of the Spirit!
Maria: A heavenly outburst, an outpouring of nonsensical seeds through our King!
Mo: It's early to bed and early to rise for you folks! Are you a Mexican prostitute? If so pray to Jesus and get your filthy cunt saved, He forgives all who come to him, hell he forgave Mary Magdalene and she was a raging whore. Are you eating Seafood? Do you work in a Chinese restaurant? Stop now! Or God will hold you responsible for disobeying his health laws and for causing the food-poisoning of thousands through your Asian restaurants of death. THOU SHALT NOT EAT SEA-FOOD, (Unless it's natural fish) AMEN?
Mo: Oh my ! Well today i nearly flipped out! I was talking to little Pablito who lives across the street about the near well world-war 3 that Che Guevara and his band of drugged out child soldiers are starting. I said , Pablito, why can't the Mexicans live in peace? Che Guevara is practically the Fidel Castro of Mexico. Che Guevara is the devil's incarnate. Mexicans are already on their way to hell and he is only making their cup of iniquities fuller! I was trying to get a really strong witness across to Pablito while at the same time keeping my package underwrap because my damn bathrobe kept on revealing it every time I so much as uncrossed my legs.
Fam: Ha!
Maria: I think the problems in Mexico started with the prostitution rings. The Americans were secretly starting white slave trade over here, and bootlegging, and in return they allowed the Mexicans to control their own country.
Fam: Um Mama I don't think that's quite right...
Maria: (Completely befuddled) Dad?
Mo: Oh golly the Mexican prostitution rings! It's like Jesus just spoke right through you honey. I tried so hard to explain my side and my views to Pablito but he wouldn't listen. But now I get it! Those sickening Americans smuggling little white girls here over the border and putting them in the Mexican prostitution rings. I damn well can't even walk through our own neighborhood without some little Mexican hooker offering me sex for pay. Hell, those Mexican hookers will take whatever they can get for having sex. Whether it be food, or cooking utensils, even just a warm place to stay. These Mexicans are so damn poor! I asked myself why? And again, the Lord whispered strongly in my ear, "It is because of Che Guevara".
Fam: (Mumbling) I think someone should take the bottle away from Dad now...
Mo: THE HELL! My oh my I damn well dare you to try and force this bottle out of my hand, I just dare you! I'll explode, why I think I'd nigh well have a heart attack if you tried such an insolent move. DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH?
Fam: (Puzzled and Trembling) Sorry Dad, we beg of your forgiveness for daring to suggest something so ignorant...
Mo: Well There you go! My, my stomach is growling! It reminds me of the time my parents damn forced me to eat seafood, lobster was practically created by the Devil himself. Why, I feel I could almost shit myself right now! I'm thinking, oh, well oh well, my oh my should I request that one of you folks, well to be specific Alf fetch me a diaper? I feel I can't control myself from self-shitting. I think I have food-poisoning.
Maria: Maybe It's another attack of the evil Sphinx? That demon of the East is trying to kill you with a stomach bug!
Mo: Of course it's the Sphinx! Why its as if that demon has a personal vendetta against me! He practically wants to kill me and won't rest until he does!
Fam: Oh my golly!
Mo: Which brings me back to seafood. Did you know that Lobsters feed off the ocean's shit? The same goes for crabs, shrimp, squid, the whole lot of the bunch. They're not safe to eat. They're the ocean's garbagemen. They swim around literally feasting off any shit they can get there hands on. And then the little Chinese restaurants have the nerve to make delicacies out of them in their podunk kitchens, and serve them to the population. Its a wonder the Chinese haven't practically wiped off the world with their restaurants of death!
Alf: I used to eat seafood quite a bit in my travels in China and Japan and I don't remember ever getting sick...
Mo: Alf, Alf, I'm gonna sit here and pretend I didn't just hear what you said. Oh boy I'm just going to play pretend right now and pretend I didn't hear you contradict me and practically insinuate that I'm a liar in front of the whole Family. I'm going to pretend, so you better just sit there and be quiet now Alf or I swear I'm going to have a FIT!
Alf: Yes sir!
Mo: Why I'm thinking Gem's hands must've slipped and thrown lobster in the one pot meal instead of fish. Fish is the only healthy seafood because its natural, and not filled to overflowing with sea garbage. I'm so hellbent on thinking I'm right, because the only time I've ever felt like shitting myself before was when my parents took me to a family banquet affair. Oh golly the buffet table was just crawling with lobster. I didn't know any better and I ate it. Why the men and women's washrooms were packed with people throwing up and shitting all over the place before the night was done. It was straight out of a horror movie. Ha!
Fam: ha!
Mo: Well Folks our time is almost up! But I want you all to pray extra hard against Che Guevara tonight. I'm thinking if that punk continues to cause trouble here we may have to flee yet again. Run out to the highways and byways where we can be safe and free. I feel bad for the Mexican hookers. Those poor girls feel like they have no choice, they sell their bodies and for what in return? Emptiness. Not like our own girls who do it with the knowledge that they are saving the poor lonely souls of the businessmen they fuck, winning the world through prostitution! Hallelujah! The stars on some of our girls crowns will be infinite. Amen?
Fam: PTL! Amen!
Mo: I just hope that little Pablito understood the message I was trying to get across. I hope too that he stops cheating on his wife with the little Mexican hookers, Lord knows they probably have every STD known to man. Mexican prostitution rings are almost worse than organized crime. They're just despicable! So Lord save they're souls! PTL! HAbababa dadidooo fabihabeeybeh hahahdahabrabha !!!
Fam: A sudden outburst of tongues, an outpouring of the Spirit!
Maria: A heavenly outburst, an outpouring of nonsensical seeds through our King!
Mo: It's early to bed and early to rise for you folks! Are you a Mexican prostitute? If so pray to Jesus and get your filthy cunt saved, He forgives all who come to him, hell he forgave Mary Magdalene and she was a raging whore. Are you eating Seafood? Do you work in a Chinese restaurant? Stop now! Or God will hold you responsible for disobeying his health laws and for causing the food-poisoning of thousands through your Asian restaurants of death. THOU SHALT NOT EAT SEA-FOOD, (Unless it's natural fish) AMEN?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
In Tribute to the King- A Song
Sara: Back when segregation still existed, it was Mo's Birthday, yet again. Maria the man pleasing whore that she was, kindly requested (ordered) Jeremy Spencer to compose a song in tribute to Mo on his day of birth. The following is the lyrics to the song he wrote, it should be sung to the tune of Armageddon in the key of D flat. Happy singing!
In The Lion's Den (Lyrics by Jeremy Spencer)
And I saw the den open, and behold- Hope
And he that sat upon her was called Mo, and Dad
And in horny-ness he doth fuck
And make love. And the nudie cuties encompassed him
In the lion's den (x2)
(Lion's den)
And i saw the den, and the girls that were in
And there g-strings.
(Lion's den)
Gathered together to make love to the man called Daddy
(Lion's den)
And Dad exploded into an or-gas-m
Yes Dad exploded into an or-gas-m
With visions of (x3)
Atlanta!
(guitar riff solo)
But he, has yet to see
(Has yet to see)
Visions of Aphrodites
Yes he, has yet to see
And when he does he will be so happy
In the lion's den (x3)
Lover of Lovers
Fucker of Fuckers
Porn of Porns
Pervert of Perverts
(dum dum dum)
SON OF A BITCH
In The Lion's Den (Lyrics by Jeremy Spencer)
And I saw the den open, and behold- Hope
And he that sat upon her was called Mo, and Dad
And in horny-ness he doth fuck
And make love. And the nudie cuties encompassed him
In the lion's den (x2)
(Lion's den)
And i saw the den, and the girls that were in
And there g-strings.
(Lion's den)
Gathered together to make love to the man called Daddy
(Lion's den)
And Dad exploded into an or-gas-m
Yes Dad exploded into an or-gas-m
With visions of (x3)
Atlanta!
(guitar riff solo)
But he, has yet to see
(Has yet to see)
Visions of Aphrodites
Yes he, has yet to see
And when he does he will be so happy
In the lion's den (x3)
Lover of Lovers
Fucker of Fuckers
Porn of Porns
Pervert of Perverts
(dum dum dum)
SON OF A BITCH
The Dito Ditty
Sara: It was Dito's Birthday dinner, 1935. MO sat at the head of the table, surrounded by the Queen, Prince, and us lowly servants. MO, overflowing with heavenly poetic inspiration (as is to be expected from someone who is drunk on sherry all day) recited this little poem, which was later published in the Story of Our Children- The Pedophile's Handbook (with artwork by Eman Artist, the humble French painter). However since we had to rip out almost every page in the book during the 50th Annual Book Purge Anniversary, MO insisted I republish the poem so all would come to know the "poetic genius" that is David Berg. So without further adieu... (drum roll)
David ate a banana
David sucked it raw
Suck-age extremis damn fucked up David’s jaw
David is all angry now, he won’t suck ever again
He has a tongue to lick and licking ain’t a sin
David licked a banana
He licked it till it came
Mother saw his cum-face
And made him feel such shame
David got his mouth-washed
The soap stung him with pain
David ate too much soap
Bubbles formed in his brain
David's head exploded and now he has no face
Mother's charged with murder, and I just closed the case.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Glorify MO in the Dance- Get your Scarf on B*tch
Glorify MO in the Dance: Get your Scarf on B*tch!
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory! Are you girls ready? Do you have your scarves? I’m going to teach you all how to dance, hallelujah for heaven!
Maria: Yes! We all brought an assortment of coloured scarves just for the occasion!
Dad: Well me oh my! I think, well I just thought wait, it’s just after dinner. Is it possible we could all die from indigestion? But the Lord said to go ahead, ha! I think he wants to see you girls naked, and dancing to glorify me.
Sara: Amen we can’t wait Dad.
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
Sara: There coming Dad, Dora is fixing their tropical outfits upstairs so they’ll be ready for you. Dancing for us big teens, and the little teens too! Ha.
Dad: Oh my Sara! To think you would be so slack and so inconsiderate as to not have when ready by the minute I had specifically ordered. Golly! Now I’ll have to wait for them to get ready and come downstairs, and I’m thinking well I told Sara the time they needed to be ready for me, and the least she could’ve done is had them ready on time.
Maria: Oh my! Bad Sara.
Sara: Lord forgive me and my slackness!
Dad: Well as punishment Sara you will dance for me privately after! Ha. Alf you don’t mind right? Alf doesn’t mind, hell, Maria doesn’t mind either right? Alf I’m stealing your wife tonight, ha!
Sara: Ooh I can’t wait Dad; I’ll gladly serve my punishment!
Alf: Actually Dad I do mi…
Dad: (cuts him off quickly) Aha! Look here’s Dora with the girls. Praise God! Let’s get started girls! Why, if by the end of tonight I haven’t taught you all to dance seductively I’ll resign from my post and throw away this crown. Hell if I can’t teach you how to dance for me I’m not fit to be king.
Fam: Oh my!
Dad: Dora you’re my guinea pig! You’ll help me show these amateurs how to dance.
Dora: I used to dance professionally in clubs!
Maria: Now, now Dora how dare you be so damn proud! Jesus gave you dancing skills, it has nothing to do with your time in the clubs.
Dora: What now?
Maria: Don’t take praise for what the Master hast given you!
Fam: Uhhh….
Dora: (totally confused) I’m so sorry my Queen, I shall from henceforth be humble!
Dad: O-kay then! Come hither Dora. Now everyone follow Dora. First you carefully remove all articles of clothing. That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body.
Fam: HA!
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. (Finishes putting the scarves on Dora and Fam girls finish putting on their “scarf-wear” as well) Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
Fam: Wow Dad you sure did! All our girls look like a breath of heaven!
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
Alf: Whatever you say sir!
(Alf sets up cameras)
Dad: Oh my, you all look so beautiful and right heavenly I hope I can contain my joy, the little man inside! Ha!
Fam: (winks at Dad’s …)
Dad: Now simply twirl around girls, move your hips from side to side. Gyrate, pulsate with God’s energy. Sexual Jesus energy, hallelujah!
(Girls begin “gyrating” all over the room as Alf films)
Dad: Oh my look at Techi and Davida go! Oh my, oh boy! Golly goodness that is so heavenly. Mmmm!
Misty: (Currently too sick to dance) I agree I LOVE watching the girls dance!
Dad: Amen! Ah! Look at Maria! Just look!
Misty: Mmmmm! Mama is SO gorgeous!
Dad: Oh my! Oh no! ALF! ALF! OH! OH! Stop the filming, stop the filming. Oh my, oh no! One of Davida’s scarves has fallen off. Come here Davida; let me readjust that for you.
Davida: But Grandpa, my scarf didn’t fall off!
Sara: Don’t contradict Grandpa hunny!
Fam: Oh no what a rebellious child!
Dad: Come here NOW Davida, before I loose my patience. Your pelvic scarf needs to be adjusted!
(Dad “adjusts” Davida’s scarf)
Dad: ALF! ALF! Where are you? ALF!
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ha! For a minute I didn’t see you hiding behind the camera! We may commence filming Alf, man the camera!
(Filming continues as Dad and Misty openly gawk at the “heavenly dancers”)
A good few hours later…
Dad: Oh my it’s 9:00pm! It’s damn well past everyone’s bedtime. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Heck I sure enjoyed it!
Fam: Yes Dad that was so much fun!
Dad: So did you all learn how to dance? Did I teach you good? Aren’t I a good teacher folks?
Fam: the best!
Dad: Well scarves away and off to bed! And Sara your coming upstairs with me, keep your scarves on hunny! Ah praise be to God, will have to do this again sometime soon. Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? I can teach you. Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory! Are you girls ready? Do you have your scarves? I’m going to teach you all how to dance, hallelujah for heaven!
Maria: Yes! We all brought an assortment of coloured scarves just for the occasion!
Dad: Well me oh my! I think, well I just thought wait, it’s just after dinner. Is it possible we could all die from indigestion? But the Lord said to go ahead, ha! I think he wants to see you girls naked, and dancing to glorify me.
Sara: Amen we can’t wait Dad.
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
Sara: There coming Dad, Dora is fixing their tropical outfits upstairs so they’ll be ready for you. Dancing for us big teens, and the little teens too! Ha.
Dad: Oh my Sara! To think you would be so slack and so inconsiderate as to not have when ready by the minute I had specifically ordered. Golly! Now I’ll have to wait for them to get ready and come downstairs, and I’m thinking well I told Sara the time they needed to be ready for me, and the least she could’ve done is had them ready on time.
Maria: Oh my! Bad Sara.
Sara: Lord forgive me and my slackness!
Dad: Well as punishment Sara you will dance for me privately after! Ha. Alf you don’t mind right? Alf doesn’t mind, hell, Maria doesn’t mind either right? Alf I’m stealing your wife tonight, ha!
Sara: Ooh I can’t wait Dad; I’ll gladly serve my punishment!
Alf: Actually Dad I do mi…
Dad: (cuts him off quickly) Aha! Look here’s Dora with the girls. Praise God! Let’s get started girls! Why, if by the end of tonight I haven’t taught you all to dance seductively I’ll resign from my post and throw away this crown. Hell if I can’t teach you how to dance for me I’m not fit to be king.
Fam: Oh my!
Dad: Dora you’re my guinea pig! You’ll help me show these amateurs how to dance.
Dora: I used to dance professionally in clubs!
Maria: Now, now Dora how dare you be so damn proud! Jesus gave you dancing skills, it has nothing to do with your time in the clubs.
Dora: What now?
Maria: Don’t take praise for what the Master hast given you!
Fam: Uhhh….
Dora: (totally confused) I’m so sorry my Queen, I shall from henceforth be humble!
Dad: O-kay then! Come hither Dora. Now everyone follow Dora. First you carefully remove all articles of clothing. That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body.
Fam: HA!
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. (Finishes putting the scarves on Dora and Fam girls finish putting on their “scarf-wear” as well) Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
Fam: Wow Dad you sure did! All our girls look like a breath of heaven!
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
Alf: Whatever you say sir!
(Alf sets up cameras)
Dad: Oh my, you all look so beautiful and right heavenly I hope I can contain my joy, the little man inside! Ha!
Fam: (winks at Dad’s …)
Dad: Now simply twirl around girls, move your hips from side to side. Gyrate, pulsate with God’s energy. Sexual Jesus energy, hallelujah!
(Girls begin “gyrating” all over the room as Alf films)
Dad: Oh my look at Techi and Davida go! Oh my, oh boy! Golly goodness that is so heavenly. Mmmm!
Misty: (Currently too sick to dance) I agree I LOVE watching the girls dance!
Dad: Amen! Ah! Look at Maria! Just look!
Misty: Mmmmm! Mama is SO gorgeous!
Dad: Oh my! Oh no! ALF! ALF! OH! OH! Stop the filming, stop the filming. Oh my, oh no! One of Davida’s scarves has fallen off. Come here Davida; let me readjust that for you.
Davida: But Grandpa, my scarf didn’t fall off!
Sara: Don’t contradict Grandpa hunny!
Fam: Oh no what a rebellious child!
Dad: Come here NOW Davida, before I loose my patience. Your pelvic scarf needs to be adjusted!
(Dad “adjusts” Davida’s scarf)
Dad: ALF! ALF! Where are you? ALF!
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ha! For a minute I didn’t see you hiding behind the camera! We may commence filming Alf, man the camera!
(Filming continues as Dad and Misty openly gawk at the “heavenly dancers”)
A good few hours later…
Dad: Oh my it’s 9:00pm! It’s damn well past everyone’s bedtime. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Heck I sure enjoyed it!
Fam: Yes Dad that was so much fun!
Dad: So did you all learn how to dance? Did I teach you good? Aren’t I a good teacher folks?
Fam: the best!
Dad: Well scarves away and off to bed! And Sara your coming upstairs with me, keep your scarves on hunny! Ah praise be to God, will have to do this again sometime soon. Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? I can teach you. Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?
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