In Honor of the Anniversary of our Beloved King’s Birthday (Feb 18th lest you forgot), a compilation of Jewels
and Gems that just reak of Mo's infinite wisdom (Note by Terry Typist: Some of the paragraphs have been shortened or edited for your reading pleasure)

with love in our wonderful husband --Sara Queen of Childcare




The Toilet Who Wouldn’t

Dito: But why do you have to wear safety goggles right now grandpa?
Dad: Every good handyman does son! What if the foundation of the toilet exploded in my face, I could be blinded for life. Would you want your father who loves and cares for u to go around blind?


Dad: Amen glory to god! Will you all be comfortable sitting here in the bathroom? We could all go into the living room, because the talk I’m about to give the whole home should hear! Hell, the whole family should hear it because it’s the King speaking, hallelujah!! James if you don’t mind staying here and fixing the toilet, because I have to go give the home this important talk…
Dad: Hallelujah! Here we are again having a much-needed talk. David could you run to the kitchen and request our cook to bring out some lemonade, I really worked up a sweat fixing that toilet upstairs and I’m quite thirsty.

God Hates Homosexuals

Dad: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Strong Heavy Tongues and Weeping) Oh that ye would come out, I command you to come out! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! O that ye would be straight!
Amen. My god to think we would have a lesbian in our own home. Sodomy just makes me sick folks; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. God hates sodomy and sodomites, he destroyed all of em’ folks and He’ll do it again one of these days. Keda are you ready to repent of your sins? Are you really repentant in your heart?
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant. It’s almost like I can see the demons of homosexuality through the very rebellious spirit she is manifesting.
Dad: Oh my! Oh me oh my! Oh my Lord! Oh my goodness! Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy! If we can’t cast these out of her there is just no hope left. (Growl, ROAR) KEDA ARE YOU READY TO REPENT??
Keda: Yes Dad!
Maria: She doesn’t look very repentant to me!
Dad: Well she better be! I’ll spank her just like I did Mene if that’s what it takes, if that’s the only way she’ll be repentant. Keda I better see you crying out to the Lord, or I’ll take you over my knee right now. I’ll spank the sodomy out of you if I have to! If that’s what it takes.

The Flow of a Prince

Dad: To think my own son would have a problem with bedwetting makes me wonder. Oh my goodness! Bedwetting is not just something that happens folks; it’s a direct attack on the Enemy of our children. Bedwetting is an attack of the Devil.

These children have been emanating a very bad vibe trying to get Dito in on their Devilish tricks, it almost makes me sick.Playing their sick disgusting mind games with Dito, my goodness gracious! Boy oh boy it makes me fighting mad! When I saw that boy from the other home last week at a staff meeting, he had almost an evil twinkle in his eyes, like he knew exactly what kind of psychological damage he was causing Dito. Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick.

Sara: I thought it was natural for children to have bedwetting problems!
Dad: Oh my! Oh my, me oh my! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness gracious! Oh my Lord! WAKE UP TO THE SPIRITUAL WARFARE SARA!
Maria: To think we would trust Sara with taking care of Dito when she doesn’t even realize what’s going on in the spirit here!
…
Maria: The demon of urine?
Dad: Yes! He attacks our children!
Maria: Children in the Family?
Dad: (rolls eyes at Maria's stupidity) Yes OUR children!
Maria: Is he a principality or a power?
Dad: He seems to be one of the demons that are very low in rank. He has no underlings! He is the demon Urineathon!
Maria: Urineathon?
Dad: YES!
Maria: The demon of urine?

The Pork Sausage

Maria: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Dad: Oh my goodness gracious! Gem, do you realize you almost just spilled the boiling hot food on Maria?
Gem: I wasn’t even on the same side of the table as her.
Dad: Regardless! You scared her right out of her wits!
Maria: (Breathing Heavily) Yes, amen! Whether or not you’re across on the other side, the food was so hot I was scared that there was a chance you could spill it on me; or even Sara for that matter, and that’s why I had to let out that scream. It was a cry for help!
Dad: My Lord it makes me boiling mad! Haven’t I told you all before to say ‘hot pot’ or ‘coming through’ when carrying hot items? To them that hath ears, LET THEM HEAR! That’s a direct quote from the Bible, Gem. My goodness gracious!…
Dad: WHAT??
Gem: (Fearful) I just used the recipe that Sara gave me!
Dad: WHAT WAS THE LAST INGREDIENT YOU MENTIONED??
Gem: (Quivering) A pork sausage!

Dad: ROAAAR! Oh my gosh! That makes me roaring mad! What a direct violation of the health rules I set out.
Dad: Alllllllllllf!! Where are you?
Alf: I’m over here Dad! (Waves hand from end of the table)
Dad: (Shakes finger furiously) Why would you buy pork sausage? Not only is that a waste of the Lord’s money, but also that is a direct violation of health rules I’ve set out. You’ve endangered my health son! You’ve nearly killed me.
Have you added pork sausages to previous meals as well Alf? Because I’ve gotten bad tummy aches and bowel problems from a lot of the dinners in the last few months. And I’m thinking, well maybe, maybe the Lord has just revealed to me why that was. It was the pork sausage. Have there been pork sausages in previous meals son?
…
Dad: I guess on this one occasion it would be fine to eat the pork sausage dinner. It’s like what happened to David in the Bible, he had no choice, but God spared him from death by unhealthy food. Hallelujah! So let’s eat folks!

Dito OD’s – The Dangers of Household Cleaners

Dad: When have I ever relied on medicine to save a life? My god to think you would be so stupid as to ask me such a ridiculous question! It almost makes me wonder if you even deserve to be in this Family. It’s almost like you have no faith whatsoever to be so bold and brazen as to ask such a stupid and faithless question.

Dad: You think you folks would be here instantly when Dito is practically passing on to the other side, but no! You folks have the nerve to lag over here. What’s it been, five minutes since I called for you? My god!

Dad: Who in the world changed the label on this bottle?
(Silence)
Dad: Oh my flies are whizzing past my ears and I didn’t hear anyone speak up! WHO OH WHO CHANGED THE LABEL ON THIS BOTTLE?
…

Dad: Are you brain dead son? Do you not realize what a stupid mistake that was? Why the hell would you change the label to say coca-cola? No one in this Family, much less this home is allowed to drink that diabolical poison!
Alf: I did it as a prank on April Fool’s Dad, I’m ever so sorry!
Dad: April's Fools? No one in this home, much less this Family is allowed to celebrate that Satanic day of cunning devlish tricks! My god if I were to keep track of your blunders I’d have written a whole book my now! I’m thinking oh boy, I might as well kick you out of the home right now! I’m thinking to myself, well if Alf wasn’t such a good handyman I’d throw him out of my house right this minute! Do you realize the severity of this situation son?
Alf: Yes sir!
Dad: My god I could throw you out of my house and back into the system if you weren’t such a good handyman! If I didn’t need you to do the little fix-it jobs around the home, I’d throw you out. With your very limited personal and professional skills you wouldn’t even last so much as a day in the system Alf. Systemites are not prone to love and forgiveness like I am. Maybe I should throw you out, as a lesson to the whole Family, and believe you me I would! But you’re a good handyman son, that’s why we need you here. Ha!
Maria: You can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater! Ha!

Dad: Vomit is one of God’s natural remedies! He created it as a healer, a cleanser to our bodies. In that way if we abuse our bodies we our still able to let it out, if not we would die! Hallelujah!
…
Dad: Oh my! Mama it’s like the Dalai Lama himself just spoke through you.
Maria: The Dalai Lama?
Dad: Yes! The Buddhist spiritual leader, and founder of the hippie movement in China!

Sara’s Confessions - PCLOOH (Prayer, Cleansing, and Laying On Of Hands)

Dad: WHAT? YOU FAKED IT? Oh boy I think I’m going to be sick. It nearly reminds me of the time Deborah faked it!
To think one of our top flirty fishers would go out and fake it, just because she’s concerned about the opinion of man, the opinion of what her husband thinks. My god!

Dad: OH MY! OH BOY! OH MY GOLLY! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! OH MY, ME OH MY! God dam! Fuck! Shit! Hallelujah! Oh boy! Oh my goodness there are tears streaming down my face. I’m just in a rage right now Sara. You’ve made some nearly unforgivable mistakes this last week. I’m thinking to myself, “Well I should take Sara over my lap and spank her right now”! God damn it Sara! You think an adult your age would have more self control. Oh my it makes me boiling mad!

Bye, Bye, Birdie – Dad’s Jewels on Death and Dying

Dad: You know, when I was a boy, I discovered that I was more of the outdoors type-a nature freak. Ha! I hated those god damn evolutionary Systemites and their stuffy textbooks. I preferred to sit quietly by myself on some hilltop, away from all the flatlanders and the godless bullies who nearly beat me to death at Comstock. In those times of quiet, I actually learned to speak several animal languages. Who would’ve ever guessed, huh? Your old Papa Lion fluent in not only tongues but the speech of men and even animals.
…
Sara: Don’t birds get sick if you touch them too much?
Dad: Of course not! Oh my! Who ever told you such a ridiculous lie Sara? The birds are not able to survive without affection! Not only through affectionate birdie love talk, but also in giving them the natural pleasures that anyone would desire, touching, cuddling, and petting! So touch those birds kids! Touch them till they screech aloud! Ha! Sex is one of the many wonders of Creation. Humans need it, but animals do to. Amen?
…
Dad: Well kids, it’s dinnertime! Cover up the birdcage with the wool blanket Gem brought. We wouldn’t want the birds to catch pneumonia out here in the Tropics! Ha!


…
Dad: As you know I’ve had so many near death experiences myself. My, if I were to have an obituary published every time I died, I think it would near take up the whole newspaper.
…
Dad: Oh boy! I think it would be near sacrilege if one of those little Mexican farmers saw us out here burying birds. He’d probably have a fit. In third world countries they don’t bury their animals. Most people will flush dead pets down their toilet, or simply burn them in the fireplace like the pagans and heathens of old. I’m thinking that I should almost call Pueblo, our little Spanish interpreter, out here just in case one of those farmers coming running over here with his pitchfork wondering what on earth we’re doing. Those farmers are so poor; they’d literally come back in the dead of night and dig the birds back up so they can have something to eat.
…
Dad: Well we better get back in the house kids! Who knows if little Tony or Pablo down the road has seen us up here burying birds? I’ll have to tell Alf to double the security checks this evening! Ha!


In The King’s Tent – Ramblings of a Dead Gypsy

Dad: (Intoxicated) Fe, fo, fi, fum, I smeeeel the blood of an Englishmon! Hallelujah! Do you know what they call me honey?
Maria: David? Grandpa?
Dad: Some call me the crazy prophet! I’d say to those folks, well, I may be crazy, but at least I’m sane!
…

Dad: It’s these times where I think disobedient soldiers are what almost made me an alcoholic in the first place, and they’ll have to deal with the Lord and accept responsibility when he “asketh every man of their own”!
…
Maria: No, I don’t see anything!
Dad: Oh my! Why you must nigh well be blind by now Maria! It’s damn well time James provisioned you another eye appointment, hell, he should be damn concerned enough to go and get it provisioned for you.

…
Dad: That wasn’t tongues honey. That was the language of the Gypsies; it’s called Bosnian for they came out of Bosnia. (Wipes tears) Oh my, I am the new king. Humphry Bogart! Growl, humm , dumm. What a great responsibility, what a heavy burden on my frail shoulders.
…
Dad: The Lord gives me a pile of shit, and then I give it you, but somewhere in that shit pile is a gem, a jewel, hell maybe even a whole bunch of gems and jewels.

Glorify Mo in the Dance – Get Your Scarf on B*tch

Dad: Ahh! It’s my favorite day of the week. Dancing Tuesdays! Oh glory!
…
Dad: Sara are the kids here? Where are they? Are they here Sara? They need to learn the same techniques. They need to be skilled in seductive heavenly dancing. Sara are they here, where are they?
…
Dad: That’s it atta girl! (Dad takes off Dora’s clothes and the rest of the “Fam” girls follow suit) Now, carefully place a coloured scarf around your waist, and then another around your bosoms, your breasts, the chest area, your tits. So many names for such an important part of the body!
…
Dad: Then you tie a scarf around each ankle, and the last one carefully around your head, somewhat like wearing a turban. Aha! Who would’ve thought? Who would’ve known? This is what every dancer is meant to wear. Oh who would’ve known?
…
Dad: Where’s Alf? Is he here? Where is he?
Alf: I’m right here!
Dad: Ah our labourer, our handyman. Alf oh Alf. Would-ist thou humble yourself and be the cameraman for this sacred event? Would, oh would you please film this heavenly ritual? Oh Alf!
…
Dad: Are you dancing? Do you know how to dance? Dance is one of the greatest forms of movement other than sex. If you can’t dance get the hell out of my home and this family! God created dancing so women could please their husbands. So get dancing or get out! Are you glorifying God in the Dance?

Mo's Random Rabbles On Mexician Prostitution Rings and the Fatalities of Eating Seafood

Mo: I was talking to little Pablito who lives across the street about the near well world-war 3 that Che Guevara and his band of drugged out child soldiers are starting. I said , Pablito, why can't the Mexicans live in peace? Che Guevara is practically the Fidel Castro of Mexico. Che Guevara is the devil's incarnate. Mexicans are already on their way to hell and he is only making their cup of iniquities fuller! I was trying to get a really strong witness across to Pablito while at the same time keeping my package underwrap because my damn bathrobe kept on revealing it every time I so much as uncrossed my legs.
…
Mo: Oh golly the Mexican prostitution rings! I tried so hard to explain my side and my views to Pablito but he wouldn't listen. But now I get it! Those sickening Americans smuggling little white girls here over the border and putting them in the Mexican prostitution rings. I damn well can't even walk through our own neighborhood without some little Mexican hooker offering me sex for pay. Hell, those Mexican hookers will take whatever they can get for having sex. Whether it be food, or cooking utensils, even just a warm place to stay. These Mexicans are so damn poor! I asked myself why? And again, the Lord whispered strongly in my ear, "It is because of Che Guevara".
…
Mo: My oh my I damn well dare you to try and force this bottle out of my hand, I just dare you! I'll explode, why I think I'd nigh well have a heart attack if you tried such an insolent move. DO YOU WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DEATH?
…
Mo: Lobster was practically created by the Devil himself. Why, I feel I could almost shit myself right now! I'm thinking, oh, well oh well, my oh my should I request that one of you folks, well to be specific Alf fetch me a diaper? I feel I can't control myself from self-shitting. I think I have food-poisoning.
…
Mo: Did you know that Lobsters feed off the ocean's shit? The same goes for crabs, shrimp, squid, the whole lot of the bunch…They swim around literally feasting off any shit they can get there hands on. And then the little Chinese restaurants have the nerve to make delicacies out of them in their podunk kitchens, and serve them to the population. Its a wonder the Chinese haven't practically wiped off the world with their restaurants of death!
…
Mo: Alf, Alf, I'm gonna sit here and pretend I didn't just hear what you said. Oh boy I'm just going to play pretend right now and pretend I didn't hear you contradict me and practically insinuate that I'm a liar in front of the whole Family. I'm going to pretend, so you better just sit there and be quiet now Alf or I swear I'm going to have a FIT!
…
Mo: I just hope that little Pablito understood the message I was trying to get across. I hope too that he stops cheating on his wife with the little Mexican hookers, Lord knows they probably have every STD known to man. Mexican prostitution rings are almost worse than organized crime. They're just despicable! HAbababa dadidooo fabihabeeybeh hahahdahabrabha !!!
Fam: A sudden outburst of tongues, an outpouring of the Spirit!
Maria: A heavenly outburst, an outpouring of nonsensical seeds through our King!
Mo: Are you a Mexican prostitute? If so pray to Jesus and get your filthy cunt saved, hell he forgave Mary Magdalene and she was a raging whore… God will hold you responsible for disobeying his health laws and for causing the food-poisoning of thousands through your Asian restaurants of death.