Dad on Nelson Mandela and the AIDS epidemic

(Sara: Moments after we had gathered for our evening meal...)

Maria: I have HIV!
Mo: WHAT? OH MY GOD HONEY!
Maria: (Sobbing hysterically) Ivan Ivetchko the Russian Mob boss I was FFing in the hopes that he would end Communism in Russia gave it to me. I had no idea he was infected.
Mo: Oh growl well that just makes me sick. By golly I can't even mention the word "aids" lest, oh lest, vomit should come projectiling out of my mouth. The word itself is enough to make me projectile vomit. And you know why? Do you folks know who started the Aids epidemic? It was planned out, a highly crafted and top-secret conspiracy...
Fam: Dr. Frankenstein?
Maria: Dr. Evil?
Mo: ROAR! My Lord its like I'm surrounded by idiots. And to think that you all would dare to question me without raising your hands and asking for permission to speak first.
Maria: (raises her hand) Dr.Evil?
Mo: Maria shut up before I smack the stupidity out of you. Don't make me Maria, don't make me smack you silly the way I smacked Deborah for being so damn tight, and out-right refusing to obey my orders. Don't you make me do it to you Maria.
Maria: (fearfully) I'm sorry Daddy.
Mo: Good! Now! Oh my where was I? Ha, got a little side-tracked there.
Fam: Ha!
Mo: Oh my yes! Who started the Aids epidemic... I had all you folks tricked into thinking it was started by some mad scientist, some evil doctor. But no it was Nelson Mandela, the devil himself who started aids. My god he just got so sick and tired of being held in that damn jail cell because of the racist and anti-christ worshipping white supremacists that ruled over Africa. He got so damn tired, and sick and fed up that he thought. Oh boy did he think. And when he was done thinking he had a plan; To start a disease so deadly that it would wipe out the whites as payback for all the trouble they had caused the blacks. He practically experimented in his 2 by 2 foot jail cell until he had invented AIDS.
Fam: Oh by golly!
Maria: (Still sobbing) But I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I have HIV , won't I die?
Mo: Nonsense! You have at least ten years to live, oh glory!
Sara: If it's any consolation Mama, Al-Sherraz from the Israeli Secret Service gave me a yeast infection when we made love while Dad supervised us at the Hookers Hotel and Diner. It was worth it though because I got him saved, and he promised to keep the war in Palestine going for us so we could have more enemies to pray against (the Israelies).
Maria: Shut up Sara I wasn't speaking to you!
Mo: Now Maria you shut up. I swear you shut your mouth. You make me sick sometimes Honey. Oh boy Maria, you and your damn Aids, you take your HIV vagina and you two just walk over there to that corner. You just walk there right now and stick your nose into the wall, you just shove your hawk nose smack dab into that corner Maria. And you damn well stay there till I say your time-out is over. Maria, I just dare you to try and weasel your way out of receiving a full time-out, I just dare you. I SWEAR I'LL HAVE A FIT!!!
Maria: (Traumatised) Yes sir!
(Her and her vagina walk to the corner for time-out)
Mo: My god! Aids is sick folks. But you know the blacks are paying for it to. Oh Nelson Mandela didn't think his plan out carefully enough. He didn't realize AIDS would become such a huge epidemic, and that more blacks would get infected than whites. Now there are aids-infested niggers practically running rampant all over the world, it makes me sick. Nelson Mandela is a fraud, a phony. He deserved every last day in that jail cell he got, oh boy he deserved that and more.
Fam: I thought Nelson Mandela helped in the civil rights movement in South Africa?
Mo: Well if that's not the biggest lie I've ever heard! Why some of the questions that come flying out of your (Fam's) mouth makes me wonder what kind of stupid and idiotic acid-hippies I chose for my army. It makes me wonder if all the trials and tribualtions I went throught to start this damn Family was even well worth it. Ugh!
Maria: Is my time-out over Dad?
Mo: Yes I think you've suffered enough, and if you haven't yet you will soon. Oh golly I feel I would almost pray to Jesus for the swift death of Ivan Ivetchko. But he did us alot of good, a pracitcal favour if you will, he literally ended Communism, destroyed it, stomped it into the rotting grounds of Russia so that all could come to know Christ. I'm thinking, well I could pray against him, but he did so much good for the Family by turning Russia and the podunk Soviet nations into Christian communites. I'm just sitting here thinking, well Lord, should I request that you kill him? Perhaps make him die of Aids like Maria will? And then it came to me. Ivan is infected, he infected Maria after all, he's dying anyways. Hallelujah, glory be to god!
(Maria returns to the dinner table, humbled)
Mo: And for God's sakes Mama take off Misty's ginormous glasses. Those things are so strong and so big, they are damn well the cause of your current blindness.
Maria: Sorry dad, Eman Artist was sketching me for the pubs artwork... and you know how I'm always depicted- half blind.
Mo: Well take them off! My god I can't even take you seriously when you have four eyes glaring back at me. The sight is enough to make ME blind Maria.
Maria: Yes sir!
(Takes off glasses and puts them on Misty's face while at the same time her hands "slip" and touch Misty's va-jay-jay)
Misty: Mmmm!
Mo: Well I hate to cut this talk short but I have to be off on the King's business. At least now your pee-wee brains have some comprehension of why AIDs began and who caused it. I hope you all damn well appreciate me taking time to step off my throne and go down to your level so that you may share of my vast knowledge. I just hope you folks appreciate it!
Fam: We do! Ha
Mo: Well glory be, glory be bum bum de doo
Maria: So that's it then? I'll be dead in ten years?
Mo: Oh stop your griping Maria! You've probably already infected Misty so at least there's someone for you to have sex with still! Oh you best be happy!
Misty: I'M INFECTED TOO?
Mo: So that's all the time we have. Watch out for Aids, it just might getcha!

Mo sings off key before the tape runs out:
" Who can wash away my Aids? Nothing but the jizz of Je-sus!
Who can make me clean a-gain? Nothing but the jizz of Je-sus!
Oh leng-thy is his flow, I made him go and go!
Now, I am clean and whole! Thanks to the jizz of Je-sus!"

-- Mad Dad.